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Original poster

Did I consent? Trigger warning

22 replies

StrangeFlyingMachines · 20/10/2020 10:14

Long time lurker - need some clarity.

Married 14 yrs - mainly v happy - 2DS.

Trigger*

Whilst having vaginal sex with my DH - both sober - he had anal sex with me - first time - no asking - no lubrication - and he orgasmed. I didn’t say yes, but I didn’t say no. I just froze and was completely still. I didn’t realise what was happening at first (I expected anal sex to hurt but it didn’t) and when I realised what he was doing - I was just lay there thinking OMG he’s doing this and hasn’t asked.

He apologised immediately after and said it would never happen again.

Did I consent? Normally - both of us are actively participating - so consent is clearly there. He says he thought there was consent - even though he didn’t ask - or check if I was ok - because usually when I didn’t want something - I would tell him/ move away etc. As I didn’t do any of that this time for the reasons given above - he thought it was ok. I am wondering if I gave him the wrong signals? I really feel this is on a different level and that he should have explicitly asked.

I feel very let down, hurt and confused. I have no one to talk to in person about this.

OP posts:

frewer · 20/10/2020 10:24

No consent sought, no consent given.

He knows exactly what this is, hence the apology.

Bunnymumy · 20/10/2020 10:27

He knew what he was doing was wrong or he wouldn't have apologised after the fact.

Shoxfordian · 20/10/2020 10:29

No, you didn't consent and he couldn't have thought reasonably that you did

So sorry op

VioletSunset · 20/10/2020 10:30

No. He should have asked how you felt about anal sex outside of the bedroom in my opinion. There was definitely no consent there. Not saying no doesn't automatically mean yes. He definitely should have asked you first. I would NOT be happy if it were me

ravenmum · 20/10/2020 10:33

If he thought you wanted it, why did he apologise immediately?

earthtopluto · 20/10/2020 10:37

As pps have said, the fact that he apologised demonstrates that he knew he did something wrong and unacceptable. He did not seek consent, and any adult with two brain cells knows that anal sex is something that needs to be talked about, prepared for, and consented to. Sorry OP

PurpleFrames · 20/10/2020 10:40

I think you need to have a frank conversation together about this. Mainly why he didn't consider it necessary to ask... Perhaps try and get him to say his opinion on the incident first so you know where you stand.

IJustWantSomeBees · 20/10/2020 10:42

No, you did not consent

Suzi888 · 20/10/2020 10:44

No you did not! I’d be furious!

IJustWantSomeBees · 20/10/2020 10:44

@PurpleFrames He already gave his opinion, he thinks he can do whatever he wants to her so long as she doesn't verbally say no.

ravenmum · 20/10/2020 10:45

Any other out-of-character behaviour recently OP?

SpaceOP · 20/10/2020 10:47

You've never had anal sex before and after 14+ years he thought he'd just give it a go and not check in with you that you were okay with it?

I'm sorry OP, this really isn't okay and has others have pointed out, he's fully aware of that.

I'm a little surprised this has come out of nowhere though. Has he expressed interest in anal in the past and you've said no? Is this the most egregious in a long list of things he's done that you've felt you couldn't quite complain about?

I don't know what your next steps are but I am so sorry.

ThinEndOfTheWedge · 20/10/2020 11:15

Any other out-of-character behaviour recently OP?

Non- in fact the opposite. We had been in a really good place. Which makes this all the more of a let down.

Has he expressed interest in anal in the past and you've said no?

Some touching around the area - but nothing penetrative and I used to move him away.

He has now told me that we had anal sex on our honeymoon when we were both drunk. I don’t remember this at all - so it’s either some excuse or something else to be pissed off about.

Thanks for the postings. I needed to check I wasn’t going mad.

Sakurami · 20/10/2020 11:26

When I have tried new things in relationships (or have had them tried on me), we never really discuss it but is tried tentatively and if there is no complaints or moving away then we carry on.

The fact that you moved his hand away when he's gone near there, in my opinion means that you have told him that you are not comfortable with it. So he should have checked first.

frewer · 20/10/2020 12:18

Name change fail OP?

billy1966 · 20/10/2020 13:28

OP,
You certainly didn't consent and don't for a moment be persuaded you did.

He needs to explain himself and if he tries to shift responsibility to you, you have a real problem.

Do not allow yourself to feel bad for being both shocked and upset.

Scorpiowoman80 · 21/10/2020 05:35

How could you consent if you didn’t even know what he was going to do? I’m so sorry OP, the fact he’s apologised means he knew damn well he shouldn’t have done that. What a prick, it’s a common thing to freeze when something like this happens, I know I did! If you need someone to talk to my inbox is open OP! 💐

category12 · 21/10/2020 06:30

Freezing is a common reaction, it is not consent.

MMmomDD · 21/10/2020 09:13

I think sometimes these things can be hard to judge.
What is he normally like? Does he like to get his own way and forces his opinions/likes on you? Does he have controlling tendencies?
If yes - then this is a pattern and I’d not give him any benefit of the doubt.

If he isn’t like that, then maybe he did indeed get lost in the moment a bit. He possibly wanted to try something new and knew you’d stop him if you didn’t want to. As you didnt - and he didn’t realise what was going on in your head - he assumed it was OK.
If this went this way - his apology makes sense. As when it was over and he noticed you being different to how you’d be after sex - he then must have realised something is off.

Only you know him and your relationship to be able to judge. Either he deliberately set out to hurt you - or made a mistake.

Quartz2208 · 21/10/2020 09:15

Oh I am so sorry OP no you arent going mad.

He knows he was wrong - for it to be a mutually enjoyable act it isnt something you just shove in. You froze to make sure it didnt hurt

The fact is it should never have happened in the first place.

suggestionsplease1 · 21/10/2020 09:49

In new relationships there can be some exploring I think and some play that isn't explicitly verbally consented to but is still welcome as people move through the sexual encounter - eg. There may not be an explicit verbal question and answer consent given to touching breasts, touching nipples, kissing breasts, digital vaginal penetration, moving from one finger to two, to three inside etc... but the sensitivity of the couple and behavioural responses generally indicate happiness.

Plenty of couples progress to different sexual practices without much explicit discussion but a kind of tacit understanding that both are enjoying it (and I think this problematic in itself and it should be articulated clearly by couples, because body responses / behaviours are not always reliable indicators of keeness).

The line for one person may be very different for another. One person may feel violated if a lips kiss turned into a tongue kiss, another person might be quite happy that sex quickly turned to anal and not bothered that there hadn't been explicit discussion.

It's that rich variation in human response and behaviour that is problematic and I think people need to generally get in the habit of establishing verbal consent for all progressions through sex. Overcoming embarrassment is a big one there as well.

Big things like anal, and especially seemingly out of blue after many years, yes there really should be explicit discussion and I'd be disappointed too. But I think I would weigh it in the balance of what I knew about my partner.

category12 · 21/10/2020 09:52

He apologised immediately after and said it would never happen again.

He knows he was in the wrong. He knows there wasn't consent.

People can make excuses for him, but it's totally clear he knew it wasn't right.

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