Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Questions for the 'other women' out there

15 replies

crossroads1 · 19/10/2020 22:15

I have a few questions that I'd like perspective on... my ex left me after having an affair for the OW. He is still with her a few years later.

My question is for all those who have been In an affair but as the other woman.

Do you ever feel any remorse?
Do you feel like you 'won' the man?
do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship?
do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies?
Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started?

I'm trying to better myself by seeing this from another perspective... any help would be fab from those of you who have been 'the other woman'.

OP posts:

litterbird · 20/10/2020 18:34

What you may have to think about is the lies that the OW was fed by the ex husband to make her fall in love and stay with him. The OW was probably told a whole different story so may not feel any remorse or they were the reason for the break up. The husband will always spin a good story of the wife being crazy, psycho and that they have lived a separate life from the wife for years and thank goodness you have come along OW and saved me from a life of abuse and tedium. Other than that its always a good idea to let stuff go because you will never get the truth.

ZaphodDent · 20/10/2020 19:39

@litterbird
You're absolutely spot on. There's also a chance the OW didn't even know the DH was married at first. It's not excusing them, but they're lied to from the start.

HosannainExcelSheets · 20/10/2020 19:44

I think it can also be helpful to reflect that an affair is a sign of an already broken relationship. It's a symptom rather than a cause. No one in a good, respectful relationship would have an affair.

So the OW, as well as almost certainly starting a relationship based on lies, also isn't responsible for want made your DH decide to have an affair in the first place.

ZaphodDent · 20/10/2020 19:52

@HosannainExcelSheets

What a load of rubbish. It's fundamentally a sign of the character of the person who has the affair. Sure, some relationships can be toxic and that can clearly have an impact but plenty of people leave because they had their head turned. Then once your head has been turned, you come up with the necessary internal mental justifications to enable you to commit adultery.

MikeUniformMike · 20/10/2020 20:24

@litterbird, is spot on.

once your head has been turned, you come up with the necessary internal mental justifications to enable you to commit adultery.
as ZaphodDent posted.

Normal people would end a relationship before starting another one, but the adulterer gets a kick from cheating.

It's not you, @crossroads1, it's him.

I'm sure there are women who go all out to pinch someone else's fella, but a decent man would not cheat.

lawandgin · 20/10/2020 20:26

Is this a repeat of an earlier thread from yesterday or this morning?

Emptybox · 20/10/2020 20:31

My mum was the ‘other woman’ for about 28 years (yes, really!). She was over 70 when he died. She truly believed that one day he would leave and be with her, but there were always reasons. I’ve no idea how he managed his life to be able to spend such huge amounts of time with us, and also the titanic sums he spent on her house and our family, but he did. He was always ‘going to leave, but it was never the right time. Despite a fair amount of evidence she kept the whole thing going, to the point of him walking my sister up the aisle at her wedding, and not inviting my dad. She truly believed that he was trapped in a loveless relationship and that she was the only thing that made him happy. There was a huge fiction spun up around it that was repeated so many times it became the truth. However, she didn’t take any active ‘right! I’m going to wreck these lives!’ type role. She was truly the one who was going to save him. I can’t say anything for other OW’s, and Mumsnet’s servers aren’t big enough to host the data required to relate the whole tale, but in Mum’s case it was a truly sincere belief.

linerforlife · 20/10/2020 20:39

Do you ever feel any remorse? - Yes, of course. They were not married though and no kids.

Do you feel like you 'won' the man? Yes, when I'm feeling petty!!

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship? It was already broken, or breaking, otherwise he wouldn't have cheated (knowing him as I do now). But I actually feel positively about it now as she moved on with someone else, got married had a baby etc and is very happy. She wouldn't have been happy with my DH as they'd had a strained relationship for sometime.

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies? Not in the beginning. I do now.

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started? Yes always if asked. Sometimes volunteer it. Less so now we have DC as I don't think it's necessary for them to hear about it.

cheeseburger100 · 20/10/2020 20:45

I was the other woman. I feel such remorse and guilt, it feels as if I'll never feel truly happy. It didn't feel like I'd 'won' him, we felt we were in love and that we couldn't help it. Pathetic I know. Dopamine I guess is to blame. It felt that it overruled everything else, all the decency and morals I'd had (believed I'd had) up until that point were trampled by the rush, it felt unstoppable.

It really wasn't about the wife, I wasn't fed lies. It was about us and how we felt about each other.

What I learned is that these things are very complicated. Few people are truly Good or Bad. I'm sorry this has happened to you OP

Otterhound · 20/10/2020 20:47

My sister, post divorce, had numerous flings with married men (5 I know of but there was probably more)
Her view, they were the ones being unfaithful so not her problem and she never wanted anything other than a fling. She had no guilt or remorse and her attitude was along the lines of more fool them if they stay with a man like that....

You cant choose your family eh?!!

Alongwayfromeverything · 20/10/2020 21:19

@HosannainExcelSheets

So the OW, as well as almost certainly starting a relationship based on lies, also isn't responsible for want made your DH decide to have an affair in the first place.

Would entirely agree with this

Lila5665 · 20/10/2020 21:28

I think the length of time matters , I can understand someone being the OW for a few weeks..... But I can't understand someone being the OW for a few years. I think these are very different scenarios.

Iamsorryyes · 20/10/2020 22:25

Hi OP.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I feel remorse yes.

What I want you to know though is that affairs do not necessarily have anything to do with the relationship or the spouse. There was absolutely nothing wrong with his spouse, it was all him in that he proposed and married quickly then regretted it and took the cowards way out with affairs and eventually met me and left 6 months later. Some people have affairs because they are masters in denial and emotional compartmentalization and avoidance and have limited ability to communicate their needs.

Because of how we met I know he can lie to a spouse's face and it is impossible to tell. Trust is an ongoing issue. But on the other hand we have done a lot of therapy to try to never end up in those situations again.

I feel a deep sense of shame when people ask how we met and we chundle out our rehearsed lie.

UserABCDE12345 · 20/10/2020 22:53

@HosannainExcelSheets

So the OW, as well as almost certainly starting a relationship based on lies, also isn't responsible for want made your DH decide to have an affair in the first place.

I also agree with this. I doubt many in very happy, fulfilling relationships cheat. I suspect there is far more dissatisfaction of unhappiness that they are willing to admit to.

IWasAnOW · 20/10/2020 23:00

Do you ever feel any remorse? No. She was abusive to him and didn't deserve him (this is not only on his say so).

Do you feel like you 'won' the man? Yes. He is far too good for her.

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship? No. I didn't break them up. He was getting his ducks in a row when we met. As many women in toxic relationships on here are advised to.

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies? Yes completely. He never lied to me and never actually lied to her either. When she asked, he told her.

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started? Yes. I'm not ashamed of it.

Men can be in abusive relationships too. I've seen and heard enough since to know it's all true. Not one person has ever said anything positive about his ex. Everyone said he should have left long before he did and they are glad he finally did it. I doubt that's your common OW scenario though tbh. I expect most are through the previous relationship being uphappy.

I suspect my exH may have cheated. I found enough questionable things after we split. However our relationship was dead for a long time. I wouldn't have blamed him if he had cheated. We were like housemates rather than husband and wife. A common scenario on here I would say. And then people wonder why someone cheats.

Flip