How normal is it to check up on an ex?

[SpaceRaiders]

Exh and I split nearly 4 years ago, two dc together, we have a fairly strained relationship at the best of times and some recurring issues. What I have an issue with, is his snooping around. Either via dc or wherever he can get information on me or what I’m up doing. Somethings mainly work related are unavoidable and are public knowledge, if you know where to look. But mostly I keep a low profile on social media, we have no mutual friends or contacts.

In the years since we’ve been divorced, I’ve taken dc to visit family both here and abroad. We’ve gone on holidays. He asks for addresses and contact details of places we’re staying, I oblige. I have nothing to hide. He will then usually Google Street View the address/location and if he isn’t able to find the property online, he kicks off. When we get back, he’ll google pics online and ask dc to confirm, if this was the resort/place we stayed at. I’ve never lied about where we’ve been or where we’re going or who with, so i feel it’s a bit starker-ish. An invasion of my privacy and time with dc.

Most recently, we got invited out to Morocco on a kite surfing holiday with dc. A group of us stayed with friends at their holiday home, on the edge of the medina, the streets barely have names, just a maze of alleys leading off the main square. He tries to google, doesn’t find the place so he kicks off. He demands proof, harasses me during the holiday, I end up giving in photographing the front door of friends house to show him why it’s likely he’d not find the place online.

So now he’s back to his usual antics, in 6 weeks we’re due to move house. Again it’s something I’ve mentioned in passing. I’m having work done to the house before we move in, he’d know the address eventually so it isn’t a huge deal. Yet dc tell me today, that they went there after school on Friday. Eldest dc 9, says it took ages to find it, as they couldn’t remember how to get there. They said he walked round the side gate and was peeking in the windows whilst dc stood in the frint garden.

I just find it a bit nuts really and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Do I confront him only for it to kick off, or just ignore and pretend I don’t know? I think I’m feeling a bit unsettled anyway as we’re moving from town out to the sticks. And I can’t deal with the idea of someone creeping around my house.

This is not within the range of 'normal' to me. I would be concerned. As a parent I can see why he would need to know your new address, but taking the kids and peering in Windows is not ok.

It's definitely not normal behaviour and sounds quite obsessive. Has he moved on from the relationship? Do you think he wants you back, or is it perhaps that he is a very anxious person and concerned about his children e.g. if they were to be around a new partner of yours?

Also really bad that he is dragging the children into participating in his strange behaviour; it's not good for them to see or being involved in this.

This is not normal behaviour, especially after 4 years of not being together. He sounds extremely obsessive about where you are and it sounds very worrying.

He has moved on from the small bits of info I’ve garnered. Not that I’ve been snooping myself! But he sent an expensive lingerie tag, at the bottom of a Tesco carrier with dc dirty clothing. And in September he was in Italy for 10 days so I do think he is seeing someone.

Stop giving in to his demands. Next time he asks say no. Grey rock the fuck out of the bastard.

No, not anxious. Just a complete control freak in every sense of the word. I largely have very little to do with him, grey rock, very low contact for various reasons. I’d just like him to kindly leave me the f* alone. The annoying thing is, his behaviour can be excused, he’d just say he’s concerned about dc.

I'd just find an address in the country your visiting and say that's where your staying next time...and block him temporarily while you're away with the kids. You don't need his harassment.

He does sound a bit crazy and not be having within the bounds of normality.

The annoying thing is, his behaviour can be excused, he’d just say he’s concerned about dc.

Oh, so he questions your parental ability and that is why you are their primary carer (I assume)?

His behaviour absolutely cannot be excused.

@acatcalledjohn

The annoying thing is, his behaviour can be excused, he’d just say he’s concerned about dc.

Oh, so he questions your parental ability and that is why you are their primary carer (I assume)?

His behaviour absolutely cannot be excused.

I am dc primary carer and would never knowingly put them in any harm. This really isn’t about concern for dc. This is about intimidation, maintaining control and whatever other insecurities he still has.

@SpaceRaiders

He has moved on from the small bits of info I’ve garnered. Not that I’ve been snooping myself! But he sent an expensive lingerie tag, at the bottom of a Tesco carrier with dc dirty clothing. And in September he was in Italy for 10 days so I do think he is seeing someone.

I suspect this wasn’t an accident.

@Thatwentbadly It wasn’t. But when I confronted him about it he denied it. Told me it must have been a 6 year old carrier back from when we lived together.

Either way, I was hoping he’d back off once he had a girlfriend but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Just say 'no' to him! Take away his control of you!

I am dc primary carer and would never knowingly put them in any harm. This really isn’t about concern for dc.

But you also say that his behaviour can be excused because he'll claim concern for the DC.

That's not an excuse and my point is exactly that.

@acatcalledjohn I’m a little tired, perhaps I didn’t explain myself very well. I wasn’t excusing his behaviour. My response was an example of how he twists things to make them appear plausible. I have first hand experience going through court with him. All I want ultimately is to raise dc without feeling like my every judgement is being monitored or questioned. But I feel powerless in that, yes he’s being weird, controlling, over stepping boundaries. But it’s not really enough to be able to take any action legally. It all just makes me feel very uneasy and anxious. I’ll be installing cameras and motion sensor lights as soon as we move in.

Absolutely install the cameras and sensors. That's is not normal behaviour!!

Next time you go away, don't give him the details, your not obliged too, especially when he is using the DC in order to gain whatever info he is after.

I’m bound by a court order which says I must supply travel details. Irrespective of it, not giving details would only encourage him not to provide details to me as well. I’d rather know where dc are when they’re with him.

Be sure to install cctv around your house. Just in case you need evidence for a restraining order of things get too bad

Can I just add (to all the good advice above) that you need to inform the police of this kind of behaviour as it’s borderline harassment. If in the end you need a restraining order they need a timeline of proof. I have been through similar with my exH- local police took it all very very seriously as they said that young women/mums are killed at an alarming rate by unhappy/unhinged/controlling ex-partners and they need to have an idea so if anything was to ever happen where you need to call them your address would be a priority for them to get to, especially with young children in the house - which was exactly my situation. They also said that the amount of times they’ve had women say it wasn’t quite enough to report is alarming as they prefer you speak to them and they can make a judgement call of sorts I suppose. Also they went and spoke to exH just to let him know that sort of behaviour was not acceptable and that it would be prosecution if he didn’t stop. My ex, would drive past my house at all hours and also peer into windows when I wasn’t in (neighbours told me) because I didn’t answer his call/text and he was “worried” about the kids. I could have written your post myself!
It may all be completely innocent but rather be safe than sorry.

Funny you should say to report to the police. My experience with a different force, didn’t leave me with much hope. I reported threatening behaviour and intimidation mid-divorce, we had firearms in the house, two young dc and still living together. A number of weeks later, his license was due for a renewal, they come over, check the house over, doesn’t even inspect where the firearms are being stored. I get a call a few days later asking how I felt if they’d grant him his license for another year or whatever the time period was. I agree, despite being shit scared. I don’t trust the police at the best of times but will report anyway. As you say it build a picture should I need to take things further at any point.

Hmm apply for a variance on the order. He only needs to know where your going, not your every minute itinery.

But def install the cameras and keep a log. It's def creepy. Have you told him this? Threatened to report him for harassment?

Lots of other weird behaviour, overstepping boundaries in the past which we’d speak about. He’d insist he’s not doing anything wrong, it’s one of the many reasons we divorced. I’ve emailed him, told him I’m not happy with the way he’s used the dc and he’s not to do it again. And I’ve had a long chat with dd’s about boundaries and respecting people’s privacy. I reassured them they hadn’t done anything wrong, then they apologised bless them. I just don’t want them to think creeping around is normal.

I took your the advice and spoke to the police this morning. The guy on the line was surprisingly understanding, said it was unreasonable for him to be at our new house like that. He said an officer would call me back in a few days and to report back if things escalate. I hope they do speak to him as he doesn’t listen to a thing I say.

I’m seriously reconsidering living out in the sticks but we’re committed now. I had the guys working on the house quote for security cameras and additional outdoor lighting so hopefully those will be installed just before we move in, so at least that’s something.