OK, it will be a long one, so thanks for reading and responding.
After 5 years of being divorced and (mostly) single, I finally met a guy I like, who seemed normal, down to earth and I was thinking it might actually go somewhere. I was attracted to him, we did not rush things and only DTD on date 6/7.
But rather unsure about him and it all atm.
We’ve been dating for ca 2 months, met 7 times, mostly pubs, dinners, walks etc and eventually went for a weekend away. I generally I enjoyed being there, spending time together and chatting to him... but after nearly 2 days together I just couldn’t wait for him to go home.
I don't know what to do tbf because he seems really into me and is already planning to meet me/go away again but I think (fear) for me it's not gonna work. But I feel bad for saying anything and hurting him, as he is definitely not a bad type and seems rather soft. So here is why...
-He seems really preoccupied with his interests and not really into finding out a lot about me. So he would talk quite a lot about his various passions, but does not really ask me about mine. He did ask a bit about foods I like and some relationships views, and he does listen sorta carefully when I am talking about my stuff, but I had an impression he did it more out of politeness than genuine interest.
-Food. He eats a lot and talks about food a lot, too. Which I initially liked as I thought at least I can enjoy food around him but now I see why he is slightly overweight. It's all pubs or take aways or shop bought ready stuff what he eats, and it’s lots of food, like really lots… even for me, and I am chubby myself and can eat a lot! He admitted he started using food as a bit of a comfort for himself after spitting with an ex, but that was last year, he lost some weight since then. It is an issue for me as I struggle with weight myself and have been making bad food choices when around him, even though I planned to lose some weight by Christmas after losing over 3 stones in the last months.
On Sunday I haven't even recovered after eating full English brekkie and 2-3 hrs later he was talking about lunch already. We went on a walk in the country park in the meantime and he seemed more tired than me, he eventually went to the loo and confessed when he left that he had done no. 2 and feels so much lighter and better now. In my head I was like wtf. That is stuff for stable relationships, no?
- Sex. A bit selfish. Sorry for tmi but I will just say it.
Lots of kissing from date 2 but then, when we had sex on this weekend away, it was a bit disappointing. He came 2x but I haven't come even once. In the morning when we had sex 2nd time, I suggested changing positions from missionary to doggy (which I like) but he didn't want it as it was 'too early' and I think he ‘didn't have enough energy’. No oral for me. I gave him 2 bjs as for me it's a natural part of sex. He didn't even attempt returning it. We didn't use condoms... I know. I asked him if he bought them and he said yes but then when I asked him to wear it, he said he doesn't need it 'yet'. But then he never put it on and later explained it sort of 'spoils the moment'. And he came in me once . I feel bad about it, I should have demanded it but I was a bit drunk and just got on with it. Almost no proper foreplay or kissing below my neck. Some stroking but he didn't kiss or touch my breasts, he didn't grab or squeeze my bum, just very very basic stuff seemed to be missing and it was just not enough for what I like.
I need to add that I never had an issue with sex with anyone before, I was lucky to always enjoy it with previous partners and I don’t think I am hard to please in bed.
He doesn't pay money for his daughter, he just gives her pocket money every week and gives his sister, who is the main carer, some money extra every now and then for extra clothing etc but not regular maintenance. He said sister gets child benefit and tax credits for her. His daughter’s mum is not involved in her bringing up so she lives with his sis, while he lives in London in houseshare.
This is weird for me, that he does not pay money for her and is not a main carer either… but I appreciate that sometimes these things are complicated, so trying not to judge him on that, but it stll plays in my mind a bit.
Money situation is weird in general. I earn half of what he does, I am a single parent myself. I am happy to pay for myself whenever we go out,, which I told him before but he seemed to pick it up willingly, so we basically either pay separately, go halves or take turns. So for example for this weekend, he came to mine and then we went away together in my car. We both spend about 80 each, which was the hotel, dinner, parking, lunches and breakfast. I paid for petrol as drive us 2hrs each way to the place we were visiting, and I also bought a bottle of wine, soft drinks and cake, for us to take, and gave him various snacks for his journey back home (1hr away).
It all seems very even money wise and I don't mind that but I feel a bit weird he didn't ask about sharing petrol cost or came here empty handed. If I went somewhere with a new person/date/bf or visited them, I would always bring something - so I did buy wine and cake and he hasn't contributed in any way.
-He never commented that I look nice or has never said any hot words during sex or afterwards. He wants to kiss a lot and cuddle but that is it, it sort of bores me now and seems repetitive. He wanted to kiss in the morning without brushing his teeth and tbf I started getting irritated by his body smell later on. Which never happened to me before with any previous guy.
He seems to make less effort now than on initial dates, so crumpled shirts, jeans that you can tell were not washed. he didn’t wash his hair after a night in the hotel, He doesn’t smell or is dirty but just definitely cares less about it now.
I have a suspicion that he might not be fully attracted to me physically, he complemented my face many times but not my body, and while all the previous men couldn’t keep their hands off me, he does very little apart from kissing and this ‘basic’ sex.. He had said he does not like skinny women at all but he also talks quite a lot about himself not being slim and happy with how he looks, so a part of me thinks that in his head he is ‘settling’ for me, as he feel bad about himself and cannot currently count on a better looking woman.
I am not sure if I have valid points here or maybe expect too much? Like I said, this is my first potential ‘boyfriend’ to be after 5 years of having 3 ‘situationships’ that hadn’t worked out… and initially I felt better with this guy than the other men, but now I don’t. But I am not sure if I maybe expect god knows what or maybe I am secretly scared about commitment myself and self-sabotage, or I am somehow unable to assess it and him as a person well. I think he is a genuinely nice guy in many aspects, maybe just a bit too geeky and a bit like an old bachelor. He isn’t cocky or anything, but seems a bit of an odd ball the more I get to know him, and various little things he says or does just make me wonder about him and if there is a point to invest in it.