Need some help with how to start to fix it

[QuesFrown]

I know that the usual advice on here is to LTB but for now, we’re working on trying to save our relationship.
The backstory is that we’ve drifted apart whilst trying to keep on top of daily life, dcs, redundancy, menopause and goodness knows what else.

He told me, probably 18 months ago that things needed to change and I wondered whether I’d mind if he had an affair. I didn’t voice it, but he did. He grew close to a work colleague and they ended up having an affair with a colleague which I uncovered.
I confronted him during lockdown and he admitted it straight away.
He stayed, no where to go during those times. He doesn’t want to be with her, if I’ve happily let him go- I still think it would be the easier option.

I’ve had a complete breakdown over the summer. Stressed at work, home schooling dcs, terminally ill parent with not long left, isolated. I’m an anxious wreck.
He’s been here. Picking up the pieces and doing what he can. He’s been in the dcs room for months.
His industry has been hot so badly by covid. His company have reduced their staff by about two thirds. OW still has her job and they are soo. To be working together again. Roster wise they will only work about one day a month together.
He can’t get another job right now- there is nothing about. He did put feelers out for a change in department but this won’t happen anytime soon. They’re reducing numbers not taking on.

How do I cope with this? I want to start to try and move us on a bit, but I’ve no idea how I cope. How can he reassure me?
How do we start those first steps?

I'm no expert but it seems to me that you need to be really sure that this is what you want first. If things weren't right before he had the affair, why was that? If it is what you want, it's the rebuilding of trust that will be the hardest. You need to explain to him the difficulty that you will have in knowing that they will be working together and come up with some solutions that you can live with. It's hard to comment on other people's relationships but only you know what you want.

I'm a bit confused about the easier option being for him to have left for her. Would you have preferred that? Are you only still with him because of circumstances and inertia?

Thanks for your replies.

@category12 - I’m not sure him leaving would’ve overall been easier but learning to trust him again seems momentous, given the situation. With furlough ending, and them returning to work, it has brought it all to the surface again.

I feel confident it’s what I want. He has a lot of great qualities and we have both lost our way. It doesn’t excuse what he’s done but I can understand it, iyswim.
I have been broken and I’ve been very fragile over the summer. He’s been patient and respectful, and I really want to trust him again.

You could try relationship counselling. I found unfortunately that the one we tried seemed to focus on me making the leap to trust him after he'd shat all over everything. I would look for one that would help unpick why he chose the actions he did and how to avoid a repeat.

Thanks @category12 - that’s helpful.
I think he would be up for counselling. I’m not sure how long it’s take to actually get an appointment as everything is taking forever at the moment.

Even what you’ve said there is helpful - why he chose the actions he did and how to avoid.

Can it work? Has anyone managed it and what helped?

I have no advice really but sending you a hug OP. It sounds a horrendous time for you but you are still standing and you are doing so well even if it doesn't feel it xx

Thank you @Mikeymoo12

I am a total wreck. I have no idea how I’ve held down a job, I haven’t had a decent nights sleep for months, I’m awake panicking although this is work anxiety.
I’ve had days where I’ve barely been able to move, let alone get out of bed.
Today has been bad. Tomorrow will be a bit better.

As someone who suffers from anxiety and is currently receiving CBT I totally understand that and it's bloody hard! Take it each day as it comes and some one said to me recently be kind to yourself and I think that's really true, be kind to yourself and try do something even if it's a small for yourself each day

Hi OP. Without counselling he is unlikely to do the things you need from him to heal your trauma and/or work on trying new ways of handling whatever caused the affair to be justified in his mind at the time.

You have a long road ahead I think. Be sure it's what you want.

I don't know Op but I'm in the same boat. I found out 3 weeks ago when her husband rang me.

It's like I'm living in a fog. He's devastated- I think he's really struggling with the guilt and shame - compounded by how he tried to lie his way out of it in the early days.

I don't think he understands why he did it. He is saying all the 'right' things and doing everything he can but it doesn't change the fact that he did it. He said it's not been going on long - she got found out by going to stay with him when he was away with work. Everything he says sounds like a cliche but it's different when it's your life that's being talked about.

I feel like such a cliche and completely humiliated. I never thought I would stay in this situation. We had a nice life and separating would be like a bolt from the blue into the lives of our children - we've always been such a united front for them. He's let us all down so much.

My emotions are all over the place, angry, sad, numb- I think we will go to counselling. My oh has already moved from it's just happened' to a little bit of insight 'I got too close etc' but he still doesn't know.

I'm just so sad he's done this to our family. I completely understand what you mean about being harder to stay. I've told him this - if there were no kids I would walk away and start again but feel like I need to at least know I tried for them (someone has to put them first). If in 6 months time (or whenever) everyone is still unhappy, I will feel less destructive about leaving him because I will know it will save them from unhappy parents. It's too early to know that now.

@catchacloud
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this too.
The first days and weeks are so tough.
My dp admitted it straight away. Do you think your oh is devastated because he done it or because he got caught? I sensed with my dp that he’d got himself into something he couldn’t get out of. During lockdown she was putting him under a lot of pressure but with us all home all day he couldn’t do anything. Looking back, whilst they were having an affair he was super stressed and horrible to live with.

I told him he could leave. I was keen for him to go, and he could easily have done. Ow is single, no dcs, no ties.

Day to day now things are ok between us. I just have no idea how to move on from ok.

My dp done it because he got caught up in the flattery. He’s very much a yes person, a people pleaser. I think a little flirting from her, he enjoyed the attention and responded and it escalated. Ultimately he knew what he was doing and made that decision.

Time. And talking. My dp said he doesn’t care how long it takes, he wants Us as a family again. So far he’s not put me under any pressure.

I just don’t know how I’ll ever trust again. Or be intimate.

You’ll have good days where you feel strong and bad days that you don’t think you’ll get through. But you will. Just don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

I was so strong in the beginning but over time, the whole situation we’re in, the stress of homeschooling, the pressure of my parent with weeks/months left to live has left me a shell. I’ve definitely been at my lowest. Does he stay because he wants to? Or because he feels he has to now? Then again, do I let him stay because I couldn’t cope alone right now? Maybe that’s how I should look at it?

I know couples counselling is talked about but I’ve also heard individual is beneficial first.

@PrudenceDear

It sounds so similar. I think he's upset upset about it all. He initially lied to try and deny and that was awful - he has admitted that he did because he was terrified, of destroying everything and knew how much it would hurt me and I think it was at that point that the realisation hit him. I think he's struggling to come to terms with the fact that he could do this - he's such an amazing Dad and our kids were (I thought) his whole world. He's become the sort of person he would usually dislike a great deal.

He's very friendly and helpful and he's obviously crossed lines with a colleague and he seems to have got swept away with it all - now the bubble has well and truly burst. Again I've offered to split - I am most definitely not begging for anything, but he wants it to work so we are giving it a go.

Some days are good and some days are awful.

How long down the line are you? I've just finished a book called 'not just friends' by Shirley someone - that was helpful and started to sift my thoughts into some sort of order. It also made me feel a little bit more positive about the future.

I'm working from home full time now, and that's hard too - it just feels like Groundhog Day and like everyone else goes to work and almost carries on as normal, but I'm just sat at home all day.

Thank you for your lovely post - I really appreciate it,

@PrudenceDear

Also - I meant to say - I'm so sorry about your parent. This is all such awful timing.