so as not to drip feed - been with "dp" for 20 years - I call him that as were not exactly together for the last couple of years, more room mates etc looking after our son who is 8.
5 years ago I cared for my nan who brought me up, she was terminally ill. As she died my very close stepdad announced he was also terminally ill, and a week later my fil also told us he was too. to say it was an absolute shit show is a huge understatement. for 2/3 years I cared for my stepdad, cared for my dp at the time who was not handling it all well, along with working and caring for my son. I look back now and wonder how i'm still here, because in the space of all this happening I also found out I was pregnant. 7 times. And 7 babies lost along the way.
Fast forward to 2018. All terminally ill members have passed on, i'm struggling to cope with it all, "dp" at the time decided to leave full time employment during this time and return to university. I look back now and realise I was slowly breaking down as my own grief hadn't been dealt with (and still hasn't really) id been on autopilot the entire time.
Jan 2018 my 2 best friends and sit announce they're all pregnant - I didn't realise this mc's had affected me as much as they did. I was sad, upset, lonely desperate and my dp didn't ever bother enough to care, it was around this time he was staying out till 5am some days after partying with his uni friends. We would argue constantly, scream at each other some days, I hated him and I can see now he was not the problem, the issue was my grief and I felt unsupported. at the time I would lash out verbally though, he was not helping me as she should be in the house with a young child, everything was left to me to sort out, clean cook etc. his life would revolve around partying and meeting friends. (I should add here were both early 40's) but he'd also lost his dad so I let him get on with things.
What I should have done is sat him down, but I hated him so much, instead I began an emotional affair with someone I met online on a chat room - id initially written about my feelings etc and hes messaged back to say he was in a similar position with his wife. separate rooms, she lived away at her parents etc. he lives abroad so not able to see him - although since then I have flown over and he has come here so we've spent 5 weeks together over the past few years.
We began to email every day, gradually leading to chatting every day around our work commitments and families etc, I would go the gym at night and call him on the way there and back. We've spoke almost every day for almost 3 years. in that time at home dp has completed his course, we haven't shared the same bed for at least 18 months, we take it in turns to sleep on the couch one night then the bed the next.
New man is now seperating from his wife. I see myself as also single and have done for quite some time. This is not me. this is not who I am. yet here I am. I never thought id find myself in this position. but im sitting here sobbing all weekend long because I know i've fucked up good here. I could be potentially ending a marriage so he can move over to be with me. I do love him and cant imagine my life without him.
Lockdown has actually been a blessing for my sons dad too, we no longer argue, I don't feel the amount of anger and hate towards him I once did. we are now very civil - still swap alternatively the bed/couch each night but we can sit down and enjoy time with our son - something I truly never believed id see again.
Im torn between trying to rebuild things with him given our history, Im sure I could grow to be happy again, I just dont know how to put the past behind us and how much he hurt me, i'm not sure I could be intimate with him again, it would feel weird to me right now. But we have a child who doesn't deserve to be fucked around by his own parents.
Or move on to pastures new, be excited again about life. Find new places to explore instead of the same old, be with someone I truly love who is perfect for me. just be given a new start in life that can possibly make me happy.
Ive fucked up I know I have, I dont even know what im asking, I think I just needed to see it all written down instead of swirling in my head.