Ex causing me ongoing stress

[TwinkleInYourEye]

My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. We split up seven years ago but every time we disagree re: the children, he gets very nasty and, as we communicate via email, sends me accusatory and unpleasant emails. I generally ignore the nasty stuff that he sends and don't respond at all but obviously it is stressful to receive this at any given moment and 'have' to read it.

I have a friend who has offered to be the person who 'filters' these emails. I believe I can set up a rule on outlook whereby all emails from him go direct to my friend, my friend then sends me the relevant details re: the kids/things I need to know.

I feel this will be quite a lot of work for my friend and wondered if anyone knows if there is a professional service that does this kind of thing? Or if anyone has a similar problem and how they have dealt with it.

I am sure there must be a professional service that does something like this, i.e. acts as a 'mediator'.

How old are the dc? I haven't communicated with exh since youngest dc was 9...

Set up a new email address just for him and an hour a week to go through his bullshit if there is anything reasonable in there respond if not ignore

They are 10 and 12 - I try to communicate as little as possible but they have ASD and I have to pass on info from the school, meetings, etc. They spend a couple of days there during the week and every other weekend and so we have to see each other on the doorstep, etc. Also we have to arrange stuff like sharing the school holidays, etc. Obviously those kind of things are not wordy but because I have to keep the lines of communication open it then means that he is then able to write whatever shit he likes. He can basically spend hours composing abusive, snarky or accusatory nonsense to me and I feel sick every time I get an email from him during the times when I know he's angry with me for whatever reason.

I offered to be an unofficial 'mediator' between a couple I was friendly with who'd split up (badly) but needed to communicate about their children a few years ago.

Knowing that a third party would read their words worked wonders! Both stopped snipping, stuck to the issues and became much more constructive. I didn't get involved or comment, just acted as a conduit.

Did you restrict the information you passed on, @Sarahlou63? As in, did you ignore any nasty stuff and just pass on the important info? Also, did they set up their email accounts to automatically forward to you?

Sounds like a great offer from your friend. There are co parenting apps with tone monitors you pay a subscription. Nothing can be deleted so you have proof of abuse if needed.

No. Just the fact that both of them knew I could see what they'd written was enough to stop the personal comments and irrelevant stuff. They were both decent people who just needed to take a step back. Me being able to see what they wrote was enough to help. It was all voluntary..

You do realise the school has an obligation to pass on stuff to your ex directly? That means you will no longer have to do it.

Okay thanks for advice, all. @elephantontheroofeatingcake, can you tell me what these parenting apps are/are called? I've never heard of them.

@TwinkleInYourEye Weparent is one, there are lots out there.

Reading this thread with interest. I'm in exactly the same boat OP. My DD is 12 and I feel like I always have to 'update' her dad on things or he'll kick off. But he's so unpleasant and controlling I hate communicating with him and sometimes seeing his name on my Inbox can be enough to send me in a panic attack. I'll check out those apps, but do wish I had a friend that can filter out some of the shit he says and stick to what's necessary.

@bottlenose301 - I am sorry you're in the same position - it's horrible isn't it. I split up with mine 7 years ago and some of that time things have been OK but basically whenever anything happens that will cause us to have to make a decision over the children etc, he can kick off. I'm not perfect but I will always try to see both sides, be fair etc but before we can even discuss something in a normal way, he will be shouting over me, shouting personal insults, accusing me of being a bad parent etc. I'm actually making an appointment to see a solicitor because I just can't stand it any more. Not sure if s/he will be able to advise anything but I will keep you informed if you want?

He's just being a bully.

Definitely get someone to filter emails and let him know someone else is reading them first I doubt he will want anyone to witness his bad behaviour.

If he nasty on the phone hang up and block for a few days.

If nasty I person just walk away.

Presumably you never let him in your home? Stop him coming to your door and make him wait in the car.

Build some big high boundaries!

I would accept your friends offer, she wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to do it

Thanks @TwinkleInYourEye that would be really helpful.

I can totally relate. My ex has been doing this for so long it started to affect my mental health and I ended up needing therapy.

I think the key to these things are to try and nip in the bud as quickly as possible, I let it go on for so long pretty much unchallenged because like you I prefer no confrontation, but with people like this you give them an inch they take a mile.

I think definitely if you can, get a third party in which will take so much stress off it and be easier for you allround