Sounding board for relationship advice, pls

[howdoyoudotoday]

wdoyoudotoday Sun 18-Oct-20 23:35:39
I’m in long distance relationship with partner and have 2yo. Father is 2 hour flight away (not going to go into detail but we can’t live in same country for now). I’m 7 months pregnant and also have another DD who is 9yo to different dad. I’m not from UK either, so zero family support.

Last week I did not have child care as child minder was on holidays, I’ve been working from home (work is crazy busy) and partner also had the week off from Tuesday, he will now be off until end of the month. It was our 2yo bday on Saturday but he chose to play in sporting tournament on Friday in his country and flew back on Saturday afternoon.

I was upset that he prioritised his sporting tournament and when I last saw him told him not to bother coming back here as he wasn’t going to step up when I needed him, plus he’d originally said he was going to fly back on Sunday (so totally miss 2yo bday). Today he told me he wouldn’t change what he did and would still go to tournament as he’d committed, it’s an individual sport, not team. I went wild. Left house. I came back and he announced he would like to take 2yo back with him now as he doesn’t feel comfortable here then said I can do my work without having 2yo to worry about. I’ve said no. He said that I’m punishing him. Said I should have joined him for 2yo bday(I had good reason not to travel for the weekend on my own with kids) I also took a weeks holiday at end of month. I’m not sure if it’s pregnancy hormones, lack of consideration/care, selfishness (on my partners part), realisation our relationship is terrible and I’m not priority. How would you handle it ? I’ve spent the last two hours crying (he’s in bed) and now really not wanting this baby. I’m just so sad

This sounds really tough OP, he doesn't sound nice at all and you deserve better.

When you say he wants to take your child 'back', do you mean back to his home country? I'm very glad to hear that you said no to this as it could be very difficult to get your child back with you if he chose to be difficult.

I would break up with him if he is choosing to prioritise his hobby over his parental responsibilities and expects you to run around after him

Yes he wanted to take 2yo back to his home country for his holidays, as he said he didn’t feel comfortable / welcome here. I was furious yesterday and said I didn’t want to look at him, etc.

I don’t necessarily want to bail out, I want him to acknowledge what goes on around here, be appreciated and he needs to step up. It makes me want to disappear , I’m just hating my life

I don't know if I have advice but it sounds like you're having a crap time, with a huge amount of work/childcare pressure and your partner was being a dick. Where is he staying and does he have to stay with you? If he works abroad and can afford flights, surely he can book into a Travelodge.

You were absolutely right to not let him take the 2YO back to his country. Also, this was not even a helpful suggestion from him: he prioritised a sports event over his pregnant partner, young child and their blended family, then when she (justifiably) hit the roof, he childishly said "I'll take 2YO to another country".

He could (and should have said) "I was a dick, I should have prioritised differently and I'm sorry. You're juggling a lot, what can I do to help?" Then gotten on with some housework or taken the kids out or made dinner or SOMETHING useful.

I think that realistically and pratically, you need to take a deep breath, speak to work about workload if possible, and lump him with as much childcare and housework as possible while he's "on holiday".

Whether or not you stay with him is completely down to you, it could be that this is a badly misjudged one-off on his part. If not, you might need to insist on that Travelodge in order to get some headspace and think about what you want and need.

Thanks, yes crap all around, worse thing I’ve already had a failed marriage, was a single mum, thought I would never have kids again , now this crap. I don’t know how to stop feeling so shit about it. I’ve got such a heavy heart and head with it all. The thought of raising three kids on my own here makes me want to abandon this crap. A conversation will be had but the damage has already been done

Hi OP, I just checked in on your thread.

Were you able to sort something out with your partner, at least to have a calm week & a bit of support around the house?

I can't tell you if things would be easier with or without him. Only you can decide if he brings a net positive to your life (in this brief snapshot he sounds like he could be less selfish and more aware of the number of things you are juggling, and I doubt long distance relationships with children are ever easy).

As for "already have a failed marriage", I'd put money on most women on here saying "so bloody what?". You don't fail at marriage, sometimes relationships don't work out & that is down to both parties. Married, cohabiting, distance or living in one another's pockets... Millions of relationships simply end because one or both partners are not happy & their needs are not being met.

Stop judging yourself & be honest about what you need & want to be happy, and that will help you decide.