Why do I want to live alone so much?engaged....

[whoisjoe]

Erm long post sorry, need to vent.
4 years together. I have DS6 from previous marriage. I keep getting these strong feelings to live on my own with DS. It just seems like it would be easier, and happier. But I don't know if it's because of my mental state/previous marriage. I'm anxious with a history of depression and antidepressants, not on them currently.
I have an intolerance for my DP. It does not help that I have been WFH since March, just started a college course and throw a 6 yo in there and DP works parttime now. I'm just not sure what's the point of DP? I do so much around the house, clean, grocery shopping, cook and evey other chore. He says "just ask me and I'll do" "what's for dinner and I'll make it" just winds me up. I want him to think for himself. But he mostly thinks about his hobbies. He doesnt ever think of outings or activities to entertain DS. That is all on me, everytime. then he comes along on the ride to get out of the house...
We lived apart breifly last year and it was bliss. I really enjoyed having DS and I to worry about and nothing else, no-one to irritate me by constantly sitting on his laptops and other toys, planning his week for photography jaunts. It was lovely to only have DS to care for. Sometimes DP is negative towards DS, like gets on at him if he's badgering me for attention when I'm trying to work. No matter how many times I say "take him outside, distract him" dont get mad at him, he's 6 and I'm work more than DP.! I would never make DP.feel guilty for being passionate about a hobby. But it's like "what is your purpose here"
I love him, he makes laugh, he is kind, but we are in each others pockets too much and I just want to run. He is sometimes proactive with DS, but very rare and usually if I'm out for an appointment he will actually engage with him. But if I'm at home, (most of the time just now)he just takes himself off up to the office and zones out for the day, swanning down way past dinner time asking what are we going to have for dinner?. its funny because when I was a single parent prior to meeting DP,I just got on with it and I was so happy for that year, but now I'm a single parent with a partner and it's worse. You expect support but you don't get it, instead you feel resentment. When I lived alone I didn't have someone there not getting involved and just making me mad by excluding and suiting himself. But DP would hate to live apart, doesn't see the point in us being together. How much should I be expecting from him in our relationship? I know he's not obligated to be amazing step dad, but am I expecting too much for some.support and input? I honestly think he's just lived alone too long and suits himself until nagged at. I really don't want that future. I prefer mine and DS future, much less resentment . Does anybody relate? Or know what is wrong with me lol?

I don't think your dp seems to be adding much to your life.

Having said that, your son is your son. Not his. The responsibility to look after him is with you and his dad. This post reads like you resent him for not acting like the boys father. Where is your son's dad in this?

He doesn’t sound like a great person to live with tbh. why not tell him all this, you’re happy to live separately and date, or live together and he steps up properly and engages, but you can’t live together with him acting like a single guy and ignoring DS. That’s totally reasonable.

Why would he not see the point in being together without living together? Is he just looking for someone to share bills and cook him dinner...?

Doesn’t sound like you like him all that much. Maybe it’s time to end it or live separately and still date.

And he shouldn’t be responsible for entertaining/taking care of your son, he’s not his father.

I would be annoyed if a partner expected me to entertain/care for their child all the time. And I dated as a single parent and never had that expectation.

Don't understand PP saying he's got no responsibility for your DS, surely if he's moved in with her and DS that's all part of it?

I live with my DP and her 2 DS, I've never once thought I had no responsibility to look after them, it's part of our relationship. We did however discuss it in depth many times before I moved in.

I sometimes fantasize about being on my own like I'm sure a lot of people do. I know I would have thrived spending lockdown alone because it would have been easy and I'm good with being alone. Instead it was bloody hard work and stressful every single day, but I'd do it all again.

The difference is mine is just a fantasy or the odd day dream, you actually don't want him there and enjoyed life more when he wasn't. He's not interested in being there in any serious way for your DS so there doesn't seem a lot of point in him living with you. See if he wants to carry on the relationship but living apart, that would make more sense. If not chuck him back in the sea, move on and focus on your own life.

Yanbu to want to live alone with dc, but hibnu to not want to continue the relationship in that case. I know for myself I prefer to live with my long term partner, of course there is nothing wrong with either way but if two people have opposite views they probably aren't compatible.

Also I think yabu when it comes to him not planning outings and activities to entertain your ds. He is your child. Their relationship may grow naturally over time but you can't be resentful of him not parenting.

Perhaps the best thing would be to move on.

They've been together 4 years, he's seen her DS grow from a 2 year old into a 6 year old, how could you not take on a parent role in all that time!

Of course he doesn't want a relationship where you live apart - that would remove his convenient rent-free (?) part-time dream career of cock-lodger.

A bloke would need to literally shit diamonds before I moved in with another one. Yours in particular sounds like a total waste of time, money and energy. Think how much more engaged with your DS you would be without this dimwit clown hanging around.

You were happier living apart - that's all you need to know. Look after your mental health and bin this twat off sharpish.

Not many people would want to continue a relationship , if the other person wants to move out and live on their own . I wouldn’t , I can’t see the point of being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you that much .
Also agree with others that he is your son , so he’s your responsibility, not up to your DP to take him out and amuse him while you’re working .
At the end of the day you’re already said you were much happier living on your own with your DS, and you’re obviously not happy with things how they are now . I’d move out , you already know it works well for you , I think you’d be much happier

I think it's over. He gets on your nerves. You have the ick I think. No point pursuing this at all

I wouldn't want to live with such a lazy man.

"just ask me and I'll do"

Big turn off.

He's a bit of a limp lettuce, isn't he?

You ask what the point of him is, and I agree. He's just adding to your workload really.

If you love him, it might be worth a "come to Jesus" conversation about engaging his brain and being proactive and not leaving all the thinking to you. But if he's passive and lazy by personality, then you're shit out of luck. I think you'll gradually lose more and more respect for him and end up getting "the ick".

Don't marry him, fgs.

I think living together is seriously over rated, I'm another who just loves time on my own and the opportunity to 'do my own thing' ... in this case your DP is clearly not adding anything positive to your living arrangements. Tell him to move out, if you want to 'date' then suggest you continue to do that, sounds like he just loves the convenience of someone else running his life and providing his home comforts for him.

Why does he work part time?

I’m interested in the perspective of the people who are saying that the OP’s DP shouldn’t need to take responsibility for her DS.

They live together as a family. Surely this is different from dating someone with a child? As a family unit you should surely all pull together? What’s the OP meant to do, organise a childminder for her DS whilst DP sits on his laptop doing his hobbies?..

I'm just not sure what's the point of DP?

This is not a relationship. That's not how it feels. You want them to be around and to share things with them. When something happens it's that person you want to tell.

Your post is all about chores and duty. He clearly irritates you.

It doesn't sound like you love him so there is no point of having him in your life.

I know you're doubting the relationship itself right now, quite sensibly, but even if it gets better, you really need to consider that marrying this guy could be a huge mistake. It would give him home rights and if you're the breadwinner and have assets, it could put you in a mess should you want to split later. Definitely put it on hold. He needs to be an equal partner in life and you need to be a team. It's fine if you were happy with what he brings to the relationship, but if you're not, marrying would be foolish.

I am not surprised you feel resentful, it sounds like you have a gained another child not an equal partner...

The resentment will kill the love for him.

I would ask him to move out tbh. Give him the book "Wifework" to read at the same time...

He sounds very self absorbed to only think and plan for his hobby/job. You sound like his mother doing everything around the house...

This guy is no partner. He's useless.
He only wants the best bits.

He doesn't contribute to the running of the household or making it a good place to live. Don't marry him, chuck him out and live on your own again

Do it. Ask him to leave. Or if you're unsure, ask for a break. What's stopping you?

“Do it. Ask him to leave. Or if you're unsure, ask for a break. What's stopping you?”

This. Even if he were the best partner in the world, the fact that you were much happier when not living together tells you everything you need to know. The experiment has not worked. You are not compatible in that way.

In your shoes, I would at least trial separate households and see how that goes.

What @RandomMess.

In fact what everyone said. You know you are happier living apart so just do it. Life’s too short.

What’s the OP meant to do, organise a childminder for her DS whilst DP sits on his laptop doing his hobbies?..

Well there is a middle ground isn't there? Dc is 6 so he doesn't have to be watched 24/7 like a toddler.

I think not sharing other house hold chores is a bigger problem. And the fact that OP just isn't happy.

A no brainer for me. You thrived without him. You feel stifled with him.

You got back together after that separation. It is not working out. You tried.
His hot and cold over your ds is not going to get better or improve as your ds develops into a hormonally challenging young man.
To quote a song, if you love somebody, set them free.