To stay or go - is counselling worth a shot?

[Indecision1234]

I’m a long-time reader, rare poster but NC just in case. Apologies if this rather waffly and rambling!

I’ve been married to my DH for 7 years, 2 DC 6 and 2. Relationship has gone from distinctly average to pretty awful really since eldest was born. We have had issues with intimacy for a long while but it has become non-existent since youngest was born. Not even a hug or peck on the cheek. We’ve had a lot of stress in our marriage with the eldest having been seriously ill previously although now recovered, but really the problems for me stem from his general moodiness, lack of desire to get involved fully in family life and resentment that has built up in me over years of him shirking responsibility with childcare and being selfish. I don’t even know where to start with examples.

Today he got up before me (voluntarily, he is an early riser) and went downstairs. Eldest had some screen time and playing in his room whilst youngest was still in bed (7am). He left eldest to it but then is sulky when I wake and bring kids down (after playing upstairs with them for 30m) at 8:45. I barely get a hello, DC not much more. Takes himself off out to the garden where he stays until lunchtime while I sort the DC, tidy up, referee etc etc. I ask if he’d like to take DC out for a walk together, he doesn’t want to. So I take them while he cooks dinner. We eat together but as usual he gets irritated with eldest talking a lot through dinner and not using his cutlery properly, and youngest not eating much at all. This winds me up as I do sympathise that eldest can talk the hind legs off of a donkey but he’s 6. Can he not just nod and ‘mmm yes’ so we have a more relaxing meal? Or actually listen to DS?! He sods off the minute he’s finished, leaving me to finish eating with DC. He washed up then disappeared for a shower and to watch TV while I cleaned up, did school work, bathed and then put both DC to bed. He’s barely said 5 words to me since. This is a fairly standard snapshot of a weekend day. Or any day actually.

He does love the DC and he can be ‘funtime’ dad, if it’s a day out doing what he likes then it can be okay, but always peppered with bad humour from him if the DC don’t perform to his exacting standards, or I do something to irritate him. It’s like a switch gets flicked and I am not always sure what has happened to change the mood.

He is not aggressive or violent. He is not a drinker. He can be petty and mean in disagreements. But mainly he is just indifferent.

He has a history of depression but this feels different. When he was depressed before I didn’t feel like I was an inconvenience or that he suffers life with us. He has a friend (female) that he seems to have a good friendship with where to me he is like his old self (but I am not concerned there is more to that than friendship, although it saddens me that this friend gets a better side of him than we seem to). I recall when he was depressed friendships went out the window too. I have asked him many times to see GP and go for some counselling. He has made excuses and has not gone since eldest was born.

We have recently had some big blow ups over minor things which then lead on to bigger rows over who does or doesn’t do what, our intimacy issues and disagreements over parenting (me being too soft, I feel he’s petty and could relax over some issues). Divorce has been threatened.

Many times over the last few years I have considered leaving but financially it would be tough for me. I work in a good job part-time but live in an expensive area. We are both ‘average for area’ earners. It has put me off of leaving in the past and I always felt I should put up with it for the sake of the DC, better for them to have me here to soften things when he starts going off on one for example. And them growing up in a more comfortable home environment. But I am getting truly sick of it now. I don’t know if I can keep this up indefinitely, and will the DC really thank me for it when they grow up? If we do split I am not interested in meeting anyone else while the DC are young anyway so this has been another reason I’ve previously decided to tough it out.

I can access couples counselling. Is it worth it? Am I just being a doormat or am I blinkered to my own faults in all of this and things genuinely could improve with some outside support? I feel very confused. I can’t say I love him now. But for me the DC are no.1 priority. It feels like we are at a crossroads now and I need to make a decision. Either leave or really make strides to improve things legitimately. I don’t know what to do.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from the two of you here?. Staying for what it has seen to be for them to date will really do them and you no favours at all. This is no relationship model to be showing them, you're teaching them that this now loveless model of a relationship could be their norm too.

I would start firming up plans to leave him and in the first instance seek legal advice re all the aspects of separating. He comes across as an utterly selfish and joyless fun sponge of a man.

If counselling is considered then do this on your own; you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment. Such men like described rarely if ever want to go to counselling.

Thanks for replying. Me, I don’t get much out of this relationship at all. Occasional company, but only if I put the effort in, and it is strained. I try to make conversation but am often met with a grunt or one word answer responses. At this point I’m here for the DC’s stability and my own financial security. If we had no children I’d have left a long time ago. Fun sponge is a very accurate description. I have had conflicting advice IRL though, being urged not to make a rash decision, not to do anything at the moment because everyone is having a harder time during the pandemic etc.

I worry so much about putting the DC through a separation and leaving their home. We would undoubtedly have to sell and move to a cheaper/smaller home, and I am filled with dread at the thought of missing out on birthdays, Christmas etc. with them because of having to share an element of custody (although I doubt he’d want 50/50).

Better to come from a so called broken home than to remain in or within one. Teaching them this particular model of a relationship will continue to harm them.

Your children will not say thanks mum to you for staying within this relationship for what are really your own reasons, nothing to do with them. Do not be afraid here to move on with your life. it may also be possible for you actually to remain within this house but you need legal advice. After all too, knowledge is power!.

Well it sounds like he feels trapped, doesn't love you and doesn't want a life with you and children. Why don't you ask him - using those exact words almost. As in "it feels like we are at a crossroads. You don't love me and you don't seem to want to be part of this family. So what do you want to do? Neither of us would be well off financially if we split but you seem utterly miserable and it's making me miserable. " then let him speak without interruption.

Sometimes saying the unsayable is what's needed for real communication. Sometimes when it's said out loud it's a release and not saying anything because you don't want to hear the answer is really not working.

Don't say it in an argument or where the kids are likely to interrupt. Don't say it in an emotional or self pitying or angry or confrontational manner. If he stonewalls not much you can do apart from them state "well that's how it looks to me and I'm considering my options"

I think he wants out. I think he finds it unfulfilling. I think he's stating for the kids and because he doesnt want to lose half of everything and that's either going to get worse or you'll find a way through it together. Do counselling would be useful then but you both have to want to

Plan ahead.
Can you increase your hours?
What paperwork do you need?
Would you go to counseling together?
Plan for staying and plan for leaving, cover all bases.
Take your time and good luck

I feel like I have spelled it out to him several times, but yes perhaps I need to be direct. All serious conversations are driven by me, he tends to clam up or gets het up over things I consider trivial in the grand scheme of things such as how much I take the DC out (usually to escape his moods to be honest!).

I think you are correct @MarriedtoDaveGrohl that he doesn’t love me either, this is not a one-way street and I am sure I have to bear some responsibility for the breakdown between us. But I feel so frustrated that all my attempts at trying to get him to wake up to himself and what he is doing to himself and us appears to have fallen on deaf ears. I think the thought of divorce because of the kids and the financial situation weighs heavy on him too.

I guess I have put up with it all this long counselling is worth a shot, with a back up plan in place if it doesn’t work out.

@Weenurse thank you, yes I can increase my hours at work if necessary. Time to get some solid info on finances I guess to form a solid back up plan.