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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's left but still trying to convince me

18 replies

TrueAndTheRainbowKingdom · 18/10/2020 16:10

Last week my I'd had enough of the mental abuse my fiancé was putting me through and asked him to leave. He's a drinker and all week I was getting shitty messages and calls about how he doesn't have a problem and he was going to kill himself. I still care about him so did speak to him on the phone. We have a 5 year old daughter together.

Now he's kind of accepted it, is staying at his sister's and getting counselling etc. But my issue now is I feel like he's still trying to convince me to change my mind and get back with him. I've talked to him about seeing our daughter, giving him half of our shared savings (we both put in to move to another place). I feel like maybe I am being too nice? I don't wish him any harm, I just can't live with him anymore which I have told him.

I guess my question is - how do I handle this? Today on the phone he said 'oh I guess you've really made your decision, all I wanted was us to be a family.' All I replied was 'yes, I made my choice'. But I feel like he will keep trying. Anyone else had this???

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 16:15

Block him. He shouldn't be having contact with your child until he's properly got his shit together, so just tell him you're not going to engage with him until he's ready to be civil, and then block him. Get a family member to do v minimal admin contact.

Original poster
TrueAndTheRainbowKingdom · 18/10/2020 16:18

Thanks for your reply - so should I wait until he has started his course of therapy? He is being civil, just being very pathetic and maybe emotionally blackmailing me?

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 16:23

I would not let my child spend time with an alcoholic unsupervised until they'd been sober for a significant period of time, tbh. At least six months.

Original poster
TrueAndTheRainbowKingdom · 18/10/2020 16:29

Oh it would definitely be supervised!! OK, thanks again, I'm just trying to understand everything and do the best I can because I'm still upset and worried over the whole thing.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/10/2020 17:07

Yes. It's very early days, he's likely to keep trying for a while.

I would stop taking his calls, if I was you.

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/10/2020 17:07

And no op don't give him half the savings , especially if there's a chance he will
Piss it up the wall on drink

It's your maintenance for your child, your going to need it

Bunnymumy · 18/10/2020 17:15

Read up on narcissistic hoovering tactics (things they do to try con you into taking them back). Melanie tonia Evans on youtube does a good video on 9 types of hoovering.

Stop taking his calls. If you have to talk to him, dont discus anything with him other than the child contact. Literally hang up if he starts emotionally manipulating. If he threatens his life, call an ambulance for him and have them deal with his shite. It isn't your problem.

He is your ex and it isnt your job to tolerate his shit or try to help him. He doesnt need help from you. He just wants to manipulate and control you, still.

Don't give him any money. You need that for your daughter. Kindness and compromise will be seen by him as weakness and make him all the more difficult to get shot off. Be firm and dont take any shite.

category12 · 18/10/2020 17:35

I think it's a bit wrong to tell OP to keep all the savings - if he put in half, he should get his half back, surely? The guy's got to live.

Bunnymumy · 18/10/2020 17:42

I suppose it depends if you can trust him to pay child maintenance or not.

Bunnymumy · 18/10/2020 17:45

But if half is genuinely his then giving him it back is one less thing for you to be harassed over I suppose.

RantyAnty · 18/10/2020 17:50

Block him and keep the money. It's maintenance and payment for all he has cost you.
He works. He'll be fine.

Original poster
TrueAndTheRainbowKingdom · 18/10/2020 17:54

Thanks everything, it's good to get a new perspective on everything. He is going to pay maintenance, we've arranged payments etc. I just think he's not taking it too seriously, thinking I will take him back in a few weeks but honestly, I really do not want to as he has done similar before.

Will definitely stop the calls, I thought it would not be a problem but I see that it just opens me up to all sorts of things. Will stick to texts about our daughter and other stuff (giving him his clothes etc).

OP posts:
UserABCDE12345 · 18/10/2020 17:58

Jesus, these replies!!

That money is half his! OP cannot be advised just to keep it all. She should go for maintenance properly. He is also the dad. Alcoholic or not, he has a right to see his child, that is not the OPs decision unless he is abusive and even then they can get access granted through the courts.

The 'advice' on this thread is shocking.

OP, is there a family member that would facilitaye supervised contact? Maybe set up a separate email address just for communication with him and block everything else. Give half the money, claim maintenance through the proper channels and let him have agreed, supervised contact. Ignore any attempts to win you around and just don't discuss it anymore with him, telling him your decision is final and the only future discussion will be maintenance and about your child.

UserABCDE12345 · 18/10/2020 17:59

Cross post OP. Your way sounds a lot more sensible than the bad advice on here.

Original poster
TrueAndTheRainbowKingdom · 18/10/2020 18:02

@UserABCDE12345

Jesus, these replies!!

That money is half his! OP cannot be advised just to keep it all. She should go for maintenance properly. He is also the dad. Alcoholic or not, he has a right to see his child, that is not the OPs decision unless he is abusive and even then they can get access granted through the courts.

The 'advice' on this thread is shocking.

OP, is there a family member that would facilitaye supervised contact? Maybe set up a separate email address just for communication with him and block everything else. Give half the money, claim maintenance through the proper channels and let him have agreed, supervised contact. Ignore any attempts to win you around and just don't discuss it anymore with him, telling him your decision is final and the only future discussion will be maintenance and about your child.

Thanks for your view. I do feel responsibility to give him back part of his money, he did put in as well and needs to find somewhere to live.

Would my mum be an appropriate person to facilitate supervised contact, or is she too close to me to be in that role?

Sorry for all the questions, I have no idea and I just want to be as fair as I can, while keeping my daughter and I safe and sane.

Thank you

OP posts:
category12 · 18/10/2020 19:17

I'd give him back what he put in.

Theluggagerules · 18/10/2020 21:29

He will probably guilt you and keep trying to manipulate you for a while. My ex who is an alcoholic certainly did. If your mum has your back then she is a great person help you keep your distance. My advice is back away from it all, it just prolongs it if you keep being the person to listen to him

UserABCDE12345 · 19/10/2020 16:33

I think your mum would be a good person as you'll be able to trust her rather than if it was done through a member of his family for example.

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