I don't like my brother

[mooneus]

I know people say just because you're related to someone it doesn't mean you have to like them. However my brother's behaviour makes it very difficult to like him.

First of all he is 35 years old and still living with my parents. The rest of us have flown the nest so to speak. So whenever I visit my parents he's in the house somewhere.

As a child he was very intelligent - straight As and now doesn't work. Not because he can't but because he won't. He has a strange view of the world and views work as slave labour. So while he's getting unemployment benefit, my parents are using their pension to support him, which I just think is wrong.

I have a feeling his may be autistic but it was never diagnosed. I've shared my suspicion with my parents but they refuse to believe it.

He has very poor social skills. He will hide himself away in his bedroom for hours. Even when I come to visit there's no 'Hi, how are you'. He has shown a vague interest in my children when I bring them over but he's a bit awkward with them. Recently my daughter started crying when he held her and instead of comforting her, he just left her, which made me furious.

He's also very rude to my parents which really annoys me. Especially seen as they as he's living there rent free. He shouts at them in front of me and my kids for the silliest of things like them asking him to repeat himself as he speaks so quietly you need supersonic hearing to hear him.

He doesn't even acknowledge birthdays or anniversaries - which I don't mind seen as he hasn't got much money, but it's just rude not to even say 'happy birthday'.

As my parents are getting older they've been thinking about the house. If he doesn't move out before they pass, what would happen to it? I'd be a bit upset if he got to keep it, when really it should be split equally between us all. Even though part of me begrudges him getting anything as he's lived there rent free for so long.

The worst thing is he doesn't see the problem with his behaviour. He thinks he's justified in his behaviour. And it just makes it very difficult for me to forge a relationship with him or even like him. We never contact each other unless we bump into each other. All his behaviour is so rude that I don't even like him as a person. If he wasn't my brother I'd be done with him. I don't know what else to do. Because at this point I think after my parents pass we probably won't see each other much.

You could be writing about my BIL here as he was very similar to your brother at that age. He would never acknowledges birthdays eIther.

I doubt very much your brother is actually anywhere on the ASD spectrum at all. You have raised your suspicions here and these have been dismissed, it is far more probable that he is the ways he is because he is a rude asshat of an individual and also because he can. Being rude and dismissive are also not hallmark of ASD.

Your parents actively continue to enable him to live there rent free (my BIL also lives rent free and cannot hold down a job mainly due to his attitude of coming into a workplace and wanting to be CEO immediately or otherwise run it). One or even both of them like having him there and theirs is an enmeshed relationship. Your parents likely also plan to leave their house to him in their will.

I would keep well away from both your parents and brother going forward. They are happy as they are and this dysfunctional enmeshed dynamic works for them. You will not change them, you can only change how you react to them.

I do understand what you are saying. However it sounds to me like your brother is on the spectrum. What you have described sounds exactly the same as my best best and her brother. People with ASD often find it very difficult to hold a job down and the whole experience of not being accepted in a work environment, feeling rejected and treated differently can be exhausting. Maybe you should just be a little bit supportive and and try and understand why he is the way he is. You could look at the situation differently and tell yourself you are lucky that you have been able to flee the nest and male a life of your own.

I think all you can do is just have really low expectations for him. It's hard seeing your parents being treated like that though.

He was a straight A student and chose from that not to work. His parents subsidize his existance at home.

There is no real evidence at all to suggest OPs brother is on the spectrum. Suspicions are certainly not enough and he has never been diagnosed.

They allow themselves to be treated like this just as mu MIL has done with my BIL. It suits her to have him live there with her. All these people, just like in the OPs family, are happy as they are. They are happy as they are and this dysfunctional enmeshed dynamic works for them. You will not change them, you can only change how you react to them.

Mooneus

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. No you would not and your brother is no different.

You do not have to see him at all even though he is your brother. Do your other siblings see him, what do they think of him and for that matter your parents?.

My BIL nowadays also thinks of work as slave labour and or being for the "little people" like Leona Helmsley did. He is not autistic; just narcissistic, entitled, enabled and an arse. He has been behaving similarly his whole life and his parents, particularly his mother, have always indulged him along with excusing his lack of work ethic and crap towards other people. Its your parents free choice to support him using their pension; no-one forced them to do that.

This dynamic works for all these people on some level and there is nothing you can do OP to change it. All I can further advise you do is to have as little to do with them all going forward as possible. Do not subject your DD further to her uncle.

I disowned my damned brother. Brother eventually accepted my reasoning. I also explained fully to my DF why I was doing so. He accepted it, but chose not to go NC himself. I accepted that, and we’re all quite happy with where we all are.

Knowing how I and my other brother felt, DF changed his will so odious brother gets a set sum automatically, me and other brother share everything else. DF did this so I would not have to have anything to do with the hateful one when DF dies.

What I’m saying is that being open and honest about feelings, and accepting people’s choices, really can help in these situations. Maybe your DP feel stuck in this situation and can’t see a way out. Maybe they are happy with it. Can you have an open and honest discussion with them?

Finally, disowning that person freed up my mind and heart to an unbelievable degree. I really recommend it 💐

I disagree with dismissing the ASD theory. My step brother was diagnosed with Savant Syndrome. In his late teens as he was a brilliant straight A student with profound difficulties with social skills. My parents were told that those with this condition often have phenomenal memory capacity making learning of facts and recall significantly easier than for us poor NT beings.

Two years later he was also diagnosed with Autism. He is however a complete arse because he looks down on everyone who isn't as bright as him. Sadly Learning Ability/Disability and poor learned behaviour are not mutually exclusive. Often compounded by parents 'excusing ' poor behaviour as he is 'so bright'. .

Step brother doesn't work either despite a first class astronomy degree. No one was worthy of him. and just like your DB - he would NEVER be told how to do something in a work place.. as he always knows better.

The reason I'm also leaning towards some sort of autism is that recently my parents were having some work done on the house, which meant there would be strangers in the house. My brother went absolutely nuts at this. His reaction was so extreme for something that to me is so trivial.

Yes but that does not in itself suggest ASD either. You will never fully determine why he is the ways he is so do not solely ascribe his behaviours to he being potentially on an ASD spectrum. He has not been diagnosed and likely will not seek the necessary help either. Your mum and dad do not seem all that bothered re determining why he is the ways he is either and likely do not want to (in case it reflects badly on them, the image of the perfect family is all important to such people and this further becomes the elephant in the room).

This whole dynamic with him living with mum and dad works for him as well as your mum and dad.

You do not have to see him because he is your brother. You should feel under no obligation to do so particularly given how he treats you.

He obviously has mental health or neurological issues which have been ignored and enabled.

I have a sibling in a similar situation but as much as my parents love to claim victimhood over it, they were the ones who created the dependency rather than helping him become independent and shut down any suggestion on how to help him. Dependency issues go both ways.

It sounds like your brother is trapped in a rut that he can't escape and nobody is helping him out of it.

I don't know why you'd be "furious" that he left the room when your kid cried. He obviously didn't know how to deal with it so fled. A lot of childless people, particularly men with social issues, would have no idea how to respond.

Anyway, you're worried about getting your fair share of the house...