Advice for relationship please

[Purplesj26]

Hi I’m looking for some outside advice on my relationship - we've been together 11 years married for 6 2 kids 5 and 3. I feel we don’t communicate anymore. He blames me for everything that doesn’t go well at home as he works full time (I work 3 days but do everything for the kids and he doesn’t do anything around the house) his reply whenever I ask him to help me is when you go out and earn 40k and work full time I’ll help you. I earn just enough to cover the food shopping and to chip on with household bills if I ask for anything extra he says I’m sponging off him, I never ask for anything for my own personal care like clothes or haircuts etc it’s always for the kids. He does work hard but I’m sick of feeling worthless and unworthy and judged for not having a perfectly clean house or being able to keep the kids quiet with all the free time I apparently have around my job and the kids. I don’t know what to do or how to carry on with this. He thinks I’m the unreasonable one in the relationship because I wind him up and we only argue when he points out my flaws. If anyone has any words of advice I’d really appreciate it.

His attitude is despicable. You sound very unhappy. Do you have any quality of life? Does he have any redeeming features?

My advice is to leave this financially abusive prick.

He probably does, sometimes we have nice days but it’s getting harder to see them at the moment and I just feel so sad.

Charge him for his half of the childcare and cleaning!
He should muck in.

The problem here is that he is basing your contribution to the relationship/household in purely financial terms. It’s obviously in his interest to do this because it keeps you on unequal footing and him the upper hand.

I would point out to him that actually I would happily work full time and have more money, but would he be happy having to take on half the childcare responsibilities, and half of the domestic workload?

I’d tell him he is bloody lucky that he doesn’t have to think about the laundry pile, or the school pick up/drop off, holiday care, and that way he is treating you is as if magic fairies do all this work, except they don’t, you do it!

He has two choices,

1. He can respect and see the value of all you do for him and the children and understand that your contribution is more than just financial. That he is lucky because you do all of that but do actually contribute financially as well. That if he can’t respect this, and would prefer you earn and work more equally to him, that he must take on half of all the home and childcare responsibilities to allow you to do this.

2. He can not do the above and you file for divorce instead and he can have less money, half his assets, 100 percent responsibility for his own domestic chores in his own residence and 50 percent of the childcare responsibilities.

I know which I would choose. All he has to do is not be a greedy and ungrateful b*stard, not something that should be hard to do for someone he is supposed to love and care about!!

@Lillygolightly

The problem here is that he is basing your contribution to the relationship/household in purely financial terms. It’s obviously in his interest to do this because it keeps you on unequal footing and him the upper hand.

I would point out to him that actually I would happily work full time and have more money, but would he be happy having to take on half the childcare responsibilities, and half of the domestic workload?

I’d tell him he is bloody lucky that he doesn’t have to think about the laundry pile, or the school pick up/drop off, holiday care, and that way he is treating you is as if magic fairies do all this work, except they don’t, you do it!

He has two choices,

1. He can respect and see the value of all you do for him and the children and understand that your contribution is more than just financial. That he is lucky because you do all of that but do actually contribute financially as well. That if he can’t respect this, and would prefer you earn and work more equally to him, that he must take on half of all the home and childcare responsibilities to allow you to do this.

2. He can not do the above and you file for divorce instead and he can have less money, half his assets, 100 percent responsibility for his own domestic chores in his own residence and 50 percent of the childcare responsibilities.

I know which I would choose. All he has to do is not be a greedy and ungrateful b*stard, not something that should be hard to do for someone he is supposed to love and care about!!

Thanks what you say makes a lot of sense and your right he just sees the financial contribution and that gives him the upper hand not what I do as a whole.