Lack of communication issues - opinions

[Pradz]

Please give your opinions on this.

My long term partner makes plans and then doesn't tell me about it or says he 'forgot'. When I confront him, and I tell him why didn't you tell me he will put up a defence and argue and put me down with words that actually hurt my feelings. We have had numerous conversations before where I have told him that it doesn't hurt just to keep me in loop. However, when I want to go out I ask him all the time and I care enough about his opinions.

However, every time we are arguing he says things like he doesn't care about what I have to say or doesn't care and then calls me dumb or thick and it's over something so stupid that could of been avoided.

Example - his family came down and he had made plans to go out in the morning ( that's not the problem - that's ok) woke up in the morning and he had 3 opportunities to mention that but he stayed quiet and had planned to leave me with the kids as well as his nephew. When I confronted him, he got all defensive and decided to he petty and not go. Told him it's not about him going out but why is it so difficult for him to tel me and keep me in loop on things that clearly involve me also. His response is to put me down, walk away from me and call me names.

Honestly I sit here and I cry to myself like why do I allow him to treat me like this, and he probably thinks I am just as wrong in his eyes.

He's so stubborn and I personally feel as if he doesn't like to accept when he is wrong and it's like a big deal to apologise to me or say he is wrong but instead hurts my feelings and tries to convince me that it is my fault and that I am wrong always.

We had a short separation just over 2 years ago and now every time we argue he will say things like he doesn't care what I say or think and has only once or twice threatened to leave or doesn't want to be with me. However, once the arguments are down and things are ok he is all over me and tells me he loves me and plans nice things etc.

I guess I just really need someone to talk to because I constantly feel like I am being punished.

Well quite clearly, you need to leave this man.

What odd behaviour. From him, why can’t he tell you the plans? It’s very strange. Would going to counselling be worth a shot to find out why he does it? If I was you, I wouldn’t hang around for the day when you’re clearly not wanted. He’s taking the piss really. Get up and go out for the day. Don’t tell him. Just go. See how he likes it. My instinct tells me that he wants out of the relationship but is too lazy/petty to do it. This creates a row that gives him the opportunity to provoke you to do it

@Fortunategirl

What odd behaviour. From him, why can’t he tell you the plans? It’s very strange. Would going to counselling be worth a shot to find out why he does it? If I was you, I wouldn’t hang around for the day when you’re clearly not wanted. He’s taking the piss really. Get up and go out for the day. Don’t tell him. Just go. See how he likes it. My instinct tells me that he wants out of the relationship but is too lazy/petty to do it. This creates a row that gives him the opportunity to provoke you to do it

It's so strange because I think the same at times but then after he's over it, he's sooooo different. He has been apologising all morning and saying he doesn't mean it and has planned something nice but to be honest words hurt more than actions sometimes and it's like how many times can u be sorry and mean it

What do you get out of this relationship now.

Why do you allow him to treat you like this?. He is coming across here as emotionally abusive towards you. You would not tolerate anyone else calling you dumb or stupid so why him?. His nice behaviour is just an act and is all a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is continuous.

You and he really should not be together any longer. It was over really when you separated last time, your mistake here was actually gett8ng back together. Words are cheap, look at his actions.

Abuse too is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

My XH used to do this. He'd make arrangements (some of which concerned me, like going to visit his family with the children) and just not tell me. He assumed I had nothing better to do with my time than go along with his plans, or comply with him.

If I arranged to do something and needed him to be home to mind the children, he'd get 'held up at work' or 'forgot'. Because he knew I couldn't do those things with the children in tow.

It was all about control. ALL of it. It usually is.

Get out, OP.

To be fair in some way this usually only occurs once in a while but it concerns me more the fact he's so self defensive and rude in that moment and why he doesn't see why it's wrong. I hate coming across like I am being nosey but I know it's not being nosey and I know I have every right for him to tell me since we are living under same roof with kids.

Even once in a while is not good or at all acceptable either. It should not be happening at all and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abusive people are not nasty all the time because if they were, no one would want to be with them. The nice/nasty cycle you are seeing from him too is a continuous one.

Do you think he is showing a good example here to these children?.