Undermining me to my dd

[Tinyhumansurvivalist]

I have had major issues with boundaries where my mum and sister are concerned. Both seem to think I am incapable of parenting my dd. For the record I am on my 40's and dd is 7. Mum helps massively with childcare so whilst I do pull her up I tend to be more lenient with her but my sister is starting to get unbearable.

It has been like it from day 1, everything I do they would do differently and I am wrong. I had dd before my sister had her kids but as she now has 4 she seems to think she is gods gift to parenting.

If I so much as speak to my dd in her presence my sister with tut and make snippy comments about leaving her alone and she isn't doing anything.

Dd can be a handful. She isn't naughty hut she is easily distracted and over excitable. She becomes silly and some of her behaviours can put her at risk due to health issues she has. I do find myself having to remind her to calm down, stay away from things due to severe allergies.

This weekend whilst on a call with her cousins dd was shouting over her cousins, my dp was in an important call upstairs so I asked dd not to shout. She calmed down a little and then about 5 minute later started shouting again. I repeated my instruction not to shout please. For context I was in another room to dd and could hear her over and above the boiler of the tumble dryer so she was definitely shouting. My sister has then tutted and started having a go at me for telling dd not to shout.

I left it whilst the kids were on the phone but spoke to my sister afterwards and told her I am fed up of her constant snide remarks and attempts to undermine me and it stops now. She attacked me saying it was all my fault because I was having a go at dd and she doesn't like it. I at no point shouted or was mean to dd. I simply asked her to stop shouting.

I have told my sister that she either keeps her comments to herself or I want nothing more to do with her. I am so sick of being belittled and undermined by her. Especially when her kids are rude, violent and feral so she is hardly one to judge. I have never said anything to her or about her parenting to anyone other than dp when we were home and away from them. I have only ever once said anything to her kids when she allowed her son to repeatedly punch me in the stomach, I asked him nicely 3 or 4 times to please stop as it wasn't very nice. When he didn't and no one else stepped in I told him firmly no. She threw a hissy fit and refused to speak to me for weeks.

She is massively disrespectful often puts my dd at risk by bringing her kids down when they have sickness bugs or suspected chicken pox...dd is on a form of chemotherapy for an illness so has very little immunity, my sisters husband is a doctor so she does know the risks but just doesn't care.

My dp refuses to have my sister in the house if he is here and refuses to partake in family events if she is there because he hates the way she treats and speaks to me and gets cross that I won't let him protect/defend me so I know its not just normal sibling issues if that makes sense.

I know this is going to cause major issues within the family, but am I wrong to stand my ground and refuse to back down?

I’m with your dp. You don’t need her I’m your life

#team DH

I would let your DH speak up next time perhaps your sister will keep her nose out! Good for you OP.

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. I daresay not but your mother and sister are no different.

I am also with your partner here.

You do not need either your mother or sister in your life frankly if this is how they behave. They are not suitable for childcare duties. Your sister is likely to be a carbon copy of mother and your mother likely sides with your sister always.

You do not mention your dad here; where is he?.

Its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way.
Your mother and sister has caused this to arise because of the ways in which they behave but you're also a part of this dysfunctional dynamic too. Your own defending of yourself is not working and you also state you have problems with boundaries re these people too. Deal with your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) here via therapy. These people like nothing more than an argument or the last word and you are giving them both. Stop giving them the oxygen they crave and drop the rope. You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I would actually also consider posting on and certainly read the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Thanks both of you.

I have put up with her bs since day 1 and I have just got really sick of it. She tried to involve my parents last year after the stomach issue. There were a few other issues the same week (sister lives about 200 miles away so I don't have to see her much thankfully) which resulted in me walking out of a family lunch and refusing to have anything to do with her til she apologised for her behaviour. She has never apologised but with covid and to keep the peace I have allowed a limited contact. But after this weekend I am done. Especially as she has tried to twist it all and make it my fault.

Dp will appreciate the back up! He is an amazing step dad to dd and he would move mountains to protect us both.

Such people like your sister never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

You have physical distance but you really do need to put more mental distance between you and she also.

You will indeed thank yourself for staying well away from your mother and sister going forward; they will likely now turn on each other with you out of the picture. Your children also need emotionally healthy role models in their lives and these people do not fit that bill either.

@AttilaTheMeerkat dad is a peace keeper but when mum gets too much I speak to him and he deals with her. And she has got a lot better over the years.

But you are absolutely spot on mum and my sister are a complete carbon copy of each other. The
only difference being mum knows when to shut up and has taken on board when we have had words over it. My sister however thinks she is gods gift.

Mum will say she is staying out of it but yes she will pressure me to sort things out but I am not backing down. I have blocked my sister and her husband (who is honestly lovely) from calling and have removed from social media.

They are 200 miles away so i can easily avoid and have done for most of the year.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat you are absolutely right.

I have already made alternative arrangements for childcare and dd will be using the new before and after school club for the next half term so that will help as it will limit time with my mum. But dd adores my dad, they have a really lovely relationship so I do have to be a bit careful. I won't be severing that but I will be cutting ties with my sister. I have no intention of backing down. Think do would disown me if I did he is more than a little proud that I stood up for myself and put her firmly in her place