Morbid thoughts

[Rosebel]

My FIL died from cancer 12 years ago. He was fairly young (52)and healthy apart from asthma. When he first became ill MIL nagged him to see the doctor but he wouldn't until it was too late to do anything.
Since our son was born in June my husband keeps saying things like "I'll probably be dead before he's 20" or"I won't see him grow up. "
I reminded him that his grandad died at 79 and his mum's still going at 61.
He was like this a little bit before our son was born and would occasionally say he's worried about dying when our daughter's are young but now he says it at least every few days

I've asked if he's sick or anything but he says no. He just knows he'll die young as his dad did.
I don't know what to say anymore. I have tried saying as soon as he's ill go to the doctors (he's quite good at doing this) so any problems are picked up early.
I have tried pointing out his logic is flawed because of his grandad.
I have tried to be supportive and listen to him. He says I don't understand because my parents are still alive.
Truthfully though I hate it when he talks like this as I don't want to think about him dying and being on my own.
Is this normal? Has having our son "triggered" something? Any advice on how I can help or support him?

Does he have any idea of the impact his negative comments have on you OP?

Perhaps a check up at the doctors might be a good idea for starters and then if he continues to think like this maybe talk to a professional ?

I think becoming a parent is a huge reminder of our own mortality for many of us - you suddenly become much more aware that life will continue after we cease to exist, and that can be really triggering, especially when you've lost a parent prematurely.
I think with anything based around mortality people have to deal with it in their own way, and it can take years. It's the human condition isn't it, to be aware of death, and it's a big thing. I used to be petrified of dying, it consumed me for years, but I'm at peace with it now. Reading a lot of philosophy worked for me, and also thinking a lot about how awful it would be to live forever. For others it might be faith, or science that brings them to a place of peace. Perhaps your husband's way of dealing with it is to face head-on the possibility that he might die young (we all might) and that acceptance might be bringing him a sense of control over something we'd really don't control no i.e. he "knows" this is going to happen, so death has no power over him.

Talking about death is really healing too, so maybe he finds it helpful to bring it up.

It's really hard because I don't want him to bottle up his feelings but I don't like hearing about it.
He's not really talking about it because he will say something like "I won't live to see our son grow up". I ask him why he thinks that. He says because his dad died young and then refuses to talk anymore.
He did have some counselling sessions a few years ago but he stopped going as he felt they weren't working.

The average life expectancy in the U.K. according to the ONS is hovering around 84 for a woman and 82 for a man.

It struck me you used some unusual terms in your OP. You said fairly young to describe the 52 year old FIL and the MIL is still going at 61. I would not have needed to qualify those ages at all in terms of death which is remote given that statistically MIL has one-third of her life so far to live again, all things equal.

Does this thinking emirate from you, your husband or both of you?

Is it ok for him to just be scared of/worried about /resigned to his death? You could just let him express himself, and leave it at that. No need to start a project aiming to reduce him mentioning this idea that he is clearly working through at the moment, surely?

I think it must be common. My grandmother died age 50. When my mother was getting to that age, she thought she would be next. She lived till 77. Husband was the same his father died about 50 too. H was the same when he was near that age. He is now 60’s and fine.

Of course he can talk about it but would anyone really enjoy hearing their husband talking about dying? And talking about it often?
I didn't realise it was strange to refer to a 52 year old as fairly young.
If it's common then that makes me feel a bit better but he still has 15 years before he's 52. For his sake I hope he's not worrying about it for that long.