Feeling incompetent - incredibly long, sorry

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Hello everyone. I'm 30 years old woman. Maybe you have some advice or some soothing words. I'm so sad right now. Not even sure if it is a relationship topic, but as I feel it affects my relationships with other people, it might be. Not sure where else to post. Sorry for the incredibly long story, I just poured it all out and I do not know how to properly describe my situation or issue.

Now, the thing is I feel like I am not smart or clever enough, knowledgeable enough, like I'm incompetent in general. I have finished uni, I work in a great company for several years doing basically research in social sciences field, I (finally) have a good partner (living together for 2 years) and I am no in uni again doing my master's degree, I have a hobby, some friends. So basically all good. But at the same time it is incredibly difficult for me to chat, talk, discuss, decide how to do things etc.

I can manage my school and work stuff and everyday life, I do all the tasks and get good feedback-good grades, but I have difficulties taking it to the next level. I feel like I do not deserve the grades, like "why cannot you see, that I'm actually stupid as f*ck". I feel like I do not understand the topics, I have a bad memory for concepts, definitions, names, details. I prefer someone to create a project and give me the tasks to fulfill, instead of coming up with my own projects, for example. In lectures, I feel like I do not understand the topics and when all the other students express their opinions, I feel left out and stupid, because I have know opinion or knowledge or I cannot form connections between topics. My knowledge is basic, but not deep and connected enough.

I also find it difficult to chat to people,. I feel like I do not remember the things I have read in newspapers or the movies I've seen or the podcasts I've listened. Even if I know something, I feel like there is no point saying it, because it is so basic that everyone knows it, moreover, the others already say these things and I do not have anything to add. I have a hard time trying to explain my views or thoughts, I cannot find good words etc. When someone else starts a topic, I'm rather good at asking questions, so I mostly just ask, so they talk.

With a few people that I know and trust, I am very energetic and good chatter, I can discuss all sorts of topics and express my views (e.g. with my boyfriend, mom, some friends). But I still feel like they know a lot more than I do and are much more competent, capable etc. On the other hand, when there is a group work to do and others cannot come up with ideas, then I can be decisive and come up with ideas and plans. I do not know, sometimes I'm good, but mostly I feel stupid. And I actually feel sometimes embarrassed in front of my boyfriend when I try to explain something, but I cannot remember details or names, or the places we've been etc. I am also really bad at navigating even in my own near neighborhood.

What a long story... So I'm sad today. because I felt incompetent at uni today and now my boyfriend is out with his old classmates and he asked me to go too but I said no, and now I pity myself. Because I would have liked to go, but I feel like I would be a total embarrassment there as I have never met them and I feel like I cannot chat with them etc. Another thing is that he has barely met any friends during our relationship, he has been rather lonely, while I have gone out with my friends (female-only events, noone has their boyfriends there; he has met my friends in other occasions several times) or when I'm in my hobby class (he has met them too several times). Now that I'm in uni, he has finally started to meet his friends again more. Basically, I have only met one of his friends/classmates (two times) during the three years we are together. So I actually feel like they are somewhat strangers to him (he said today that "do I look good enough to meet with strangers"), so it would be even more difficult to me to meet them, as he feels perhaps somewhat uncomfortable, and thus I would feel even more? But I want to! I decided that the next time he will meet them, I will go too, but now I have this incredible fear of making a fool of myself and him.
I don't know... I want to feel competent and smart, but I do not how to be that way. Sorry for the long post.

Basically low self-esteem. Try a counsellor.

Low self esteem and imposter syndrome, you need to learn to love yourself. Don't worry about not remembering stuff or knowing stuff, I'm the same and have a high level job. Just roll with it.

You sound like you have low self-esteem and a bit of "imposter syndrome".

You sound like you have tons going for you, so it's a real shame to let these feelings control and hold you back. Try some counselling or CBT.

Have you always felt like this? What were things like for you when you were younger?

It sounds like you have a deeply held belief you are incompetent despite all your achievements. Since rationally you know that makes no sense, this might well go back a lot earlier in your life. Exploring it with a therapist could be helpful.

You ARE good enough. Imagine if every person who wanted to sing compared themselves to Adele or George Michael*? Yup, no more singers. Ever.

(*insert singer of your choice).

Have a look at this list - psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

I was so sad to read this. I would urge you to think carefully back to your childhood to see if any of your close relatives or friends back then continually called you stupid, incompetent or other similar words. These words can stick and entrench a belief system in you that affects how you feel about all your successes....which you have many. You may need a really good therapist to try and unravel the past as you may have blocked some of this out. Look up imposter syndrome too....its an interesting topic and you may display some of the symptoms. With help you can overcome these thoughts and live the successful life you have achieved in your head as well as in your life.

Op, anyone who has achieved any kind of success in life goes through stages of feeling exactly as you do. Many folk feel like this constantly. Its called impostor syndrome, as others have said.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!! You are simply being human. Try not to.let fear consume you.

You are successful but don't think you deserve it. You need to examine why you feel like this and as others have said you perhaps need to talk it out with a counsellor

As long as the feedback and grades are good, that's the main thing. You know, not everyone smart is verbally gifted or quick thinking. If you have doubts about your memory speak to a GP and maybe see a therapist and work on your self esteem.

Not sure how old you are but I've learn this in my working life - there are lots of people who seem very self assured who are really not in the inside. They compensate for it by trying to appear more confident than they are. Then there are others who think they are absolutely fantastic - they frequently go for leadership positions because they think they deserve it, but actually they are very, very average in many ways. They just have enough narcissistic confidence to carry them through in life.

Also, coming up with ideas is a creative skill. A lot of people, including some highly paid, very very competment people, are not creative. I can think of lots of different ways of doing things, I generally thinks outside the box maybe, and I'm verbally very confident and quick (usually) but this is not something that everyone should feel pressured to have in a group settings. There are pros and cons to so many personality traits and the skills that accompany them. I think you might hold others in too high regard perhaps? Group activities also don't work as well for introverts, and I have found a lot of group learning activities to be mostly a load of bollocks designed to help extraveted learners, mostly. I don't think I've ever found them helpful. Sometimes it's like the blind leading the blind or the tutor trying to pad out their lesson with fluff.

*extraverted learners

Are you me OP? I'm horrible at everything. I can't remember anything and I'm clumsy. I never know what anyone is talking about. Yet I did fine at school and have not been diagnosed with any disabilities.

As to your question though, just go next time. Not being good at chatting is only somewhat related to the other things you mentioned. If you go out with your bfs friends, he'll be leading the conversation at first as he knows them. The worst that could happen is that you won't have much to say and will be a bit quiet, that's hardly making a fool of yourself.

The whole of your post is basically about how competent you are!!!

But YOU do not believe it, and therein lies the problem. It is not about the objective fact of your competence but what you believe.

And this comes from inside you; from the experiences as a child that fed into (or sapped) your self-worth.

I know all about this! My parents were in no way cruel; but they did not believe in praising the things we children did. It just did not occur to them. They thought that by pointing out the faults in the things that e did we would strive to do better and thereby improve and do better in life. Here is an example - I have always had a really good singing voice (and it has been central to my life as an adult). One day when there was a visitor there and I was about 8 they asked me to sing unaccompanied - I could see the visitor enjoyed it; but at the end my father said nothing, just walked to the piano and played the final note to demonstrate that I had gone very very slightly flat. Nothing overtly cruel there, but that was the whole pattern of my childhood.

It may be that there are similar things in your childhood, whether from home or school, that convince you that nothing you do will ever be good enough.

I really do think that finding a good counsellor would help you; and wish you lots of luck with this.

Dyslexia maybe?

Hello lovely. You might be surprised to know just how many successful people, especially women have these 'imposter syndrome ' type of thoughts.

I'm in my sixties now and have not yet met anyone (successful woman) who doesn't have a touch of it. In fact, it's almost a reverse correlation, the more successful the more these thoughts prevail.

Lots of people deal with them by trying to ignore or suppress these thoughts. The most helpful approach I have found is Kara's https://unfuckyourbrain.com

All the best.