done something stupid been caught where to go from here ????? this is long i warn you

[messedupanddistressed]

hi have been with my partner 7 and a half years got married in 2005 had a baby in 2006 have had pnd and anxiety since feb 07.

all this culminated in me and my oh drifting apart taking each other for granted me spending money i didnt have to make myself feel better neglectingn the house and my self getting niggly constantly with my oh

this culminated in me feeling unwanted and un sexy as my oh had satrted rejecting me sexually and emotionally even though i've have lost all my baby weight and then some to try and feel like me again

i started using the internet chat rooms to chat with men flirt exchange naughty emails which made me feel better and put a spring in my step this spiralled to me having phone sex with guy in particular and lots of chat about how i was feeling and he made me feel very flattered and sexy again

obviously this just highlighted everything that was wrong woth me and my other half i felt increasingly seperated from my other half .

i went to stop with my mm as she ill for a week to give me a break to this was planned a while ago

and in all that time i used it to speak to this other guy and my other half and one of our mutual friends to try and get to the bottom of everything

it all came to head on sunday when i told him if things carried on i was gonna go else where coz i was upset fustrated feeling neglected we had a big talk and he came and fetched me home and we talked more and more

then on monday i was talking to the other gy saying how confused i was, if i was making the right desecion,and how upset i was and he was talking back saying all the right things

he then started talking dirty to me which was making laff and asked me to send him a norty pic which i did the i had to go out so i just left my laptop on stand by

then i got a phone call from my other half in tears coz he'd opened my laptop and read the conversation and was obviously devastated

we did lots of crying and soul searching and decided to try again but he is checking my phone he is not settling at work he keeps crying when we chat im so worried about him

but im also incredibly confused i dont know which way to turn at all

any suggestions

tia

and thanx for reading

it hink yoneed to go to relate.

no point in chastising you for things you have done- whats done is done

you need to build trust now, you have gone from rubbish to pants

so i think you need to talk this through at relate

thank you for responding any idea how much?

it depends on how much you earn - i would say an avg of £35 per session

you can have sessions once every two weeks if thats what suits your finances better

Oh dear. Not sure what to say. Are you still IN love him or love him for being the father to your dc? Did that make sense?

Oh dear. Not sure what to say. Are you still IN love him or love him for being the father to your dc? Did that make sense?

Oh dear. Not sure what to say. Are you still IN love him or love him for being the father to your dc? Did that make sense?

im not sure any more i thought i did but as the week has gone on im not so sure

he is an amazing dad

he has made such an effort this week and so have i but i feel its all a bit forced on my side

I agree with custy it sounds like you have to do a lot of talking to get through how you both feel and get over this major betrayal of your partner's trust

you can't change what's happened but you can change what happens from now on in...it sounds like it's more than worth sticking with it and working hard to see how things can be good with your oartner again

the trouble with on line stuff is it's dead easy...and guys can be anything as can you..fun but not reallythe best way to turn as you know

If you want to make a go of it, cut ALL contact with phone sex man, and concentrate on your OH. Try doing things together as this is the main reason for drifting apart. Inc things like taking a bath together, washing each others hair, etc
I know how it feels to not feel like it, but it wont get better if you don't. Make the effort. Try to have a date night at least once a mth. This doesn't have to be expensive, just being together, alone.
Also family time all together even if just a trip to the park with a ball and maybe a picnic. Or bread to feed the ducks. You need to do stuff and have fun and laugh together again.
When you stop laughing together it is NOT good.
At least you didn't actually "cheat" in the usual sense of the word, tho your OH may well consider it so, and you will have to do a lot of reassuring and pander to his insecurity, tho like Custy said, no use in him punishing you for it.

Don't rush into aything and be as civil and kind towards him as you can. But it you no longer want to be in a couple relationship with him, then you need to work out what to do next. Sometimes relationships just run their course, and separated but happy parents who can manage to put their DCs interests first and stay civil with each other are better in the long run than miserable trapped resentful ones.

BTW, if you don't mean it, then is there much point??

You have to make the decision and then give it 100 %. If it doesn't work oout so be it, but you will at least have tried your hardest. This is something you can't be half hearted about.

and if you do decide to split and sort out everything finally then there are a gazillion guys waiting to have sex talk etc etc i know i talk to them lol so you don't have to worry about dropping this one

All this IMO, are symptons of your anxiety and PND.

Be kind to yourself and get some help with PND and anxiety, I think thats the key here.

Not keen on this other guy anyway, whats he doing messing with a family unit?(great guy)

Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger about your problems and I think thats what you have done.

Your oh sounds lovely, they don't grow on trees. Talk to him more.

This other guy is just a fantasy and a chance for you to run away from rl?
Good Luck

and rl with the other guy probably wont be any better than rl with your oh, but it will have added complications of step parenting etc

just some stuff to think about

Are you considering a real relationship with this other guy?

hi thank you all for your responses

no i was never considering a real relationship with him just enjoyed the chats of all types

have had lots of talk with my oh about trial seperation about divorce about not sure how i feel

he is being very understanding about how i feel

and the other guy wasnt messing with a family unit it was me i approached him not other way round

still incredibly confused but hoping to get ot the other side

im so confused right now its unreal

im not sure if loving my oh is enough anymore as im still having regrets and thoughts i really shouldnt and im starting to feel it's not fair any more on him [my oh]

sorry if tmi but weve been at it like rabbits this week and the more we do the more confused and upset i become because im not feeling the love rush anymore it just feels like sex

sorry just needed to vent

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