Resentment?

[Princehasmyheart]

Hey there, this is my first post and I’m pretty new here but a long time reader.
My ex husband had an affair two years ago this November and left me and our children.
Life was really hard. He had been having an affair that I was utterly oblivious to and decided to leave for that life, but he told everyone he left because of how awful I had been to him. I believed him when he said it and didn’t in my wildest dreams think he would be having an affair. On reflection he was just re writing history.
Things have been dire the last couple of years, but I’m in a position now that I feel better and want to be the best parent for our boys.
He is unwilling to talk to me, turns everything into an argument and talks to me with such hatred, as if I was the one to have walked out on him. I’ve spoken to him and asked him to please let up and work with me for the sake of the children. He is just not interested. Will this pass? Does he need more time? How do other people successfully communicate with an ex? Why does he have what i feel is such resentment and hate towards me? Does anyone have any suggestions of reading for me to understand?

How old are your children? Is your divorce/ finances all finalised?

You can't change his feelings, all you can do is monitor your own. I'd expect nothing from him at all and keep your head held high. I'm not saying that's easy AT ALL. But at least you know in your heart you tried your best. In terms of pleading with him to meet you halfway.... you're wasting your breath because he's trying to relinquish control in some way. Set your boundaries and stick to them :)

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

How old are your children? Is your divorce/ finances all finalised?

We are just waiting for the decree absolute. I didn’t go for anything finance wise, just wanted a clean break.

Children are 4 and 9

@Eslteacher06

You can't change his feelings, all you can do is monitor your own. I'd expect nothing from him at all and keep your head held high. I'm not saying that's easy AT ALL. But at least you know in your heart you tried your best. In terms of pleading with him to meet you halfway.... you're wasting your breath because he's trying to relinquish control in some way. Set your boundaries and stick to them :)

That’s very true, I had one moment of trying to lay everything to rest, since then I’m polite and keep him updated with the children and how they are. Messages are always ignored, but I like that he can never say I didn’t let him be an active part and keep him fully updated. He always makes himself the victim

It doesn't matter why he's behaving the way he is. You'll never know. Trying to work it out will exhaust you at best, and send you mad at worst.

The best way forward for your children isn't for you to spend time finding an explanation for his behaviour. It's to set them the example of removing yourself from damaging behaviour and toxic people instinctively, without looking back or trying to rationalise it.

His behaviour is unforgiveable. No explanation will make it any more understandable.

@Eckhart

It doesn't matter why he's behaving the way he is. You'll never know. Trying to work it out will exhaust you at best, and send you mad at worst.

The best way forward for your children isn't for you to spend time finding an explanation for his behaviour. It's to set them the example of removing yourself from damaging behaviour and toxic people instinctively, without looking back or trying to rationalise it.

His behaviour is unforgiveable. No explanation will make it any more understandable.

So very true, I do feel like it sends me crazy sometimes and I start back thinking it must be because I am an awful person and I was all the things he accused me of. Should i continue to update him on how the children are, even though I’m ignored? I suppose I’m doing it as I never want him to say I’ve kept him from the children and for the children to know when they are older they I did try.

Presumably he sees the kids sometimes so knows how they are.
You don't have to send updates unless it's serious like a medical issue. You can't win with people like this. He will be saying bad things about you however saintly you are and let him be a shit to you so don't get involved in his games. It sounds like he'd rather not hear from you unless it's an emergency
If he wants to be involved he can contact the school and get reports etc If the kids are old enough they can text him their news

Stop updating him. The only things he needs to know in your time with the dc are medical emergencies.

You're not keeping the children from him by not messaging him. He might feel like you're chasing him with your messaging, so it may be if you leave off and give him space, he'll be less shitty with you.

He's probably angry with you out of displaced guilt.

I personally think you're right to send the updates. He can't twist that you have stopped him seeing the kids.

He knows perfectly well he can see the kids, and OP messaging him won't stop his narrative that she's awkward with contact if that's what he wants to say. He'll just say it anyway.

He might up his game with the children if she stops chasing him with updates. At the moment, he knows what's going on with them without having to stir a finger.

In terms of me
Updating we are not talking daily. When went pumpkin picking today and the boys wanted to show there dad the pumpkin which he ignored. Other messages are about when he has them such as times etc. I won’t message him until he next has the boys, but I can predict all will be ignored.
When we cleared the air he said he associates me with negativity and will try to put that behind him. Just baffled how we walked out on me and the boys and takes this stance. I honestly want the best for the kids and feel I don’t know what to do for the best.

How old are the dc? I presume too young to manage their own communication with their father? I would try to redirect them to sending pictures to perhaps granny (or some other relative who will respond), it can't be very nice for them if he ignores their pictures?

We send them to ex mother in law as well. They are 4 and 9, tbh it may not be the best but I do usually lie and say his replied and said it’s fantastic or something along them lines. We have no face to face contact or telephone contact, it really is just a few texts.

It’s simple.

He is filled with anger and resentment to you because he treated you badly.

If he acknowledges that you were a good wife to him, that makes him a shit for cheating on you and leaving the way he did. So he has to tell himself that you are a horrible person, so he can justify to himself and OW how he behaved.

He will not change. He doesn't need more time. He will not start treating you reasonably. He will not work with you. He’s too invested in his own lies.

If he admits the truth to himself, it would affect his whole Self image and dismantle the story he’s built his life on for the last few years.

You need to accept that you cannot change him.

Stop “ updating him “ unless it s a medical emergency. Confine your communication to short and factual about contact.

Please consider getting some counselling to work all this through. You are obviously still hurting.

Oh and for reading - look at the Chump lady website.

I just saw your update. Stop sending things to ex MIL and stop lying to your children . They don’t need any more lies and deceit in their lives - isn’t what their father has done enough ?

I definitely would stop sending him updates. Tell the children next time they ask you to send a pic to him that they can show him when they see him.
This rude idiot doesn't deserve your kindness! Let him make efforts himself to find out how they are!
Likely he feels massive guilt whenever he sees these pics or reads your updates and has convinced himself that you are doing it to make him feel guilty hence him ignoring you.
Start focusing on enjoying those wonderful moments you are experiencing with your children and let him do his own thing with them.
Sounds like you've had a really rough time but you've clearly come through it without losing sight of the decent, kind person you are. He clearly hasn't which I think is evident that he's not as happy as he thought he would be! The grass is rarely greener!

Is he still with OW? As S00LA wrote his need to be the victim will cause him to smear and blame you.

He has to think of you as an awful person so that he can justify treating you badly.

He probably has a narrative that you are taking the children away from him which is why he can't acknowledge the photos as it doesn't fit the story he wants to paint.

There is a theory in psychology called Whole object relations which is the ability to see people as good & flawed. Some people lack this so everyone is either all good or all bad. Intimate partners will usually be lovebombed/adored but after the honeymoon phase they will experience the devaluing and eventually be discarded. It is likely this will be his pattern so I doubt OW will escape similar treatment.

Did you get a fair financial settlement?

I suppose I’m doing it as I never want him to say I’ve kept him from the children and for the children to know when they are older they I did try

But he lies to make you look bad, so what you actually do doesn't have any bearing on what you say. The children will learn as they grow that whatever you do, you do it for their own good. You only need for them to trust you.

You're not keeping him from his children unless he's making an effort to see them and you're refusing. Leave the ball in his court, and you might save yourself a load of anxiety.

In an abusive relationship, the abuser relies on the victim's insecurities. So for as long as you continue to believe (even just a little bit) in his criticisms, you will remain his victim. Try to think of someone you trust levelling the same criticisms at you; it just wouldn't happen, right? He's pretty much the only person who thinks/says these things about you? It's because they're not true.

bearing on what he* says