Advice from those who had to live with their ex for a while before they moved out please.

[Rosemaryshairy]

Today’s been a tough day.

Split up at the beginning of lockdown ( awful) and he can’t move out till January due to finances.

He’s always been a lazy bastard ( one of the reasons I called time on it) but it’s sunk to new depths now. Won’t even wash his own plate - just leaves it and all the pans he has used on the side.

I know I should leave them but I can’t face pots in the sink when I wake up as I get up early with the kids. So I wash them before I go bed. Then the fucker will start cooking again and I’m faced with another set of pots. He is disgusting and I’m sure he is trying to wreck the house before he goes. Tv fucking blaring away when I’ve gone to bed. Empty drinks bottles and crisps just left on the floor with the couch cushions hanging off greeting me at 6am most morning. I can’t fucking stand him

His bathroom - which I’ve left is full of mould and will have to be resealed. Toilet seat nearly hanging off. Shit all inside the bowl. I actually had visions of punching him in the back of the head before when he was sprawled out on the couch.

How did you get through it with out being arrested for assault and battery?

Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry you're going through this... I did it for 4 months, from April to august... Luckily my ex is a decent bloke, but I did have to put up with his sulking, not speaking to kids, drinking... But then periods of going all out to do jobs round the house, as if he was staying.

Things I did that helped were having dvd nights with my eldest, we'd watch something each week, in my bed. I'd do zoom quizzes and chats with friends.. I took myself off to bed early each night with my laptop, took up making a crosstitch, which has taken me months but meant I could just work away at it quietly, something to focus on...arking the days off a calendar helped...
If you add spoke to him and said you have to do these things, bare minimum, would it help? If not I'd be inclined to keep cutlery, plates and pans in my bedroom and just stack his stuff up, wash your own and put it back in your room. Ignore his bathroom, it can be cleaned later and will feel quite cathartic I should think.. Buy yourself some nice things for your room, I bought new bedding and plants, it helped to make it feel like mine.

@Stegasaurusmum

Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry you're going through this... I did it for 4 months, from April to august... Luckily my ex is a decent bloke, but I did have to put up with his sulking, not speaking to kids, drinking... But then periods of going all out to do jobs round the house, as if he was staying.

Things I did that helped were having dvd nights with my eldest, we'd watch something each week, in my bed. I'd do zoom quizzes and chats with friends.. I took myself off to bed early each night with my laptop, took up making a crosstitch, which has taken me months but meant I could just work away at it quietly, something to focus on...arking the days off a calendar helped...
If you add spoke to him and said you have to do these things, bare minimum, would it help? If not I'd be inclined to keep cutlery, plates and pans in my bedroom and just stack his stuff up, wash your own and put it back in your room. Ignore his bathroom, it can be cleaned later and will feel quite cathartic I should think.. Buy yourself some nice things for your room, I bought new bedding and plants, it helped to make it feel like mine.

Thanks for replying!

I did the new bedding and a lovely rug

Bloody nightmare. I’ve spent over a decade asking him to ‘help out’ - he has literally turned in to his father over the summer. I can cope with sulking as he takes to his room

Tbh I feel a bit better getting it off my chest! Wonder what provoked a message deletion

Do you jointly own/rent the house?

I'd be dumping his unwashed plates on his bed, every single time he left them. Make it his problem to deal with them.

I lived with ex for 16 months, stayed at a friend's twice a week and he stayed at girlfriend's 2-3 times a week. It was awful when he was home and I left earlier than my solicitor advised because I couldn't stand it anymore.

OP, in the same situation, we split in June, and all that you describe apart from the drinking, is what i'm experiencing too, right down to cushions hanging off his settee (which is filthy, as he lies on it most of the day, in his trackie bottoms)
Just try to see it for what it is, just a house share, and it has to end before you do something drastic. I know just how irritating, My "housemate" has hour long showers, and the water pours down the bathroom tiles, you can smell damp for days afterwards.
Stegasaurusmum thanks for your advice, nice to hear you, i've read your other posts, you've survived your ordeal, and you always talk good sense. for all !

I did it for nine months and it was awful.

I got through it by being estranged from him (which had been going on for months already), trying to be out at weekends, sleeping on my daughter’s bottom bunk with a blanket hanging around it for privacy and a feeling of safety, talking to two family members on the phone a lot, having supportive colleagues at work, and a lawyer who drove the divorce process and made me feel that I had a voice.

I have no idea how I did get through it but I did - and two and a half years after my ex moved out I am so happy I am divorced.

Every day I am happy about it.

The stage you are in doesn’t last forever I promise .

One of the worst things that happened during the nine months (apart from the abusive screaming and swearing at me sessions that I had to endure several times - but in any case that was one of the reasons I got divorced) was that ex very obviously got together with someone else (long phonecalls, new clothes and underwear, long showers before going out). I would be lying on my bottom bunk listening to him being oh so nice to someone, and the hurt was devastating.

Now - I couldn’t care less (though I don’t think he is still with whoever that was).

It also meant I would sometimes go out at past midnight because I couldn’t bear listening to the sound of him on the phone.

He had a real hold over me for many years during our marriage (used to subject me to very long silent treatments etc), but that hold has gone and I am free.

That’s what you need to focus on, your soon to be freedom.

I did this too. It was awful, but now he’s gone it’s amazing! If you ban, try to switch off and ignore everything. Once he’s done, have a good clean up and admire your lovely place. I had a wardrobe full of new bedding/ towels etc ready to replace everything once he moved out. It was (and stil is) bliss!

Buy yourself an entire new set of pans, plates, cutlery etc. Wash them after use then lock them away. If you can stand it (and try your hardest) leave his dishes unwashed in the kitchen. If you can’t, dump them on his bed.

It's really bloody hard. I did this for four and a half months with two children in the house also. We split the week with the children and tbh tried to keep out of each other's way as much as possible. We didn't have a spare room so he was on the sofa and I was in the bedroom but that meant I was pretty much stuck in my room when he had the children. It was hell. I ended up keeping my things hidden away in case he tampered with them and I did the bare minimum of housework. The place was disgusting the day the children and I moved out. Weekends staying with friends saved my sanity but I appreciate that may not be doable just now with the covid stuff.

On really hard days I used to pee on his toothbrush. I kept mine locked away.

@Aposterhasnoname

Buy yourself an entire new set of pans, plates, cutlery etc. Wash them after use then lock them away. If you can stand it (and try your hardest) leave his dishes unwashed in the kitchen. If you can’t, dump them on his bed.

This ^

Have your own set. Box up everything else and put it in storage.

Get one of those big plastic boxes with a lid and shove anything he leaves unwashed in it and leave it.

Oh god, you've brought back memories! It was a bloody awful time and I truly don't know how I got through it without having a breakdown. But it doesn't last forever and you're taking the first steps to freedom. Keep the end goal in sight.

OP, oh I totally hear you. I am there too - 2 years and 8 months since I ended the relationship!!
@Overwhelmed222 yep, all that sounds so familiar too, the sleazy late night phonecalls with the next poor victim etc. It's horrific. I don't even give a shit who he talks to really, in fact I'm quite relieved his attention is elsewhere, however I just find it so utterly disrespectful. I'm very nearly at the end of it, we're finally divorced and he's moving out in a few days. All this advice is really good, and I'm loving hearing from those of you a little further down the line who are freeeeee and so very happy

I did this for 8 months. At the time I felt it would never end but now 6 years on its just a memory. I survived, didn't let him see it get to me and the best revenge of all is being happy in a new life. You will be too. One day he won't be there and you can claim the house as your home and eradicate him from it. Tick off the days till he's gone. I stayed in my bedroom most evenings. I put together mood boards in a scrapbook of how my home would look without him in it and my garden, and the clothes I would wear and how my bank balance would look without his drinking. Be patient. Life will be better for you. You'll wake up each day so happy 😊💐🙏

Currently cohabitating with my ex husband. I have switched off the emotions and just see him as a housemate. It was hard at first but is so much easier now. I just want the house sold so I can get my life back! Hold on OP, liberation day is coming!

I didn’t have to deal with dirty dishes just updates on his tinder dating exploits I think to make me jealous but it was rather past that point... I survived the awkwardness by working v late (fortunately it coincided with a super busy time at work where I was working most nights until gone midnight) and treating myself to nights away in hotels when I had a rare break from work...

@carreterra thank you, I don't know if I speak much sense to be honest! But I am happier, so much happier to be out the other side.
ExDH is a decent bloke, not unkind and has been very nice about the whole thing, it was just the horrible sadness, drinking and his depression and slightly selfish attitude I had to put up with, nothing on the scale of some of you guys... I feel terrible that he's had to move out, but it's all for the best and I think he's happier now, or getting there, the kids most definitely are. I'm left in our family home which needs so much doing to it to get it ready to sell in a couple of years, but I'm gradually getting there, I've just ordered flooring for upstairs and I'm determined to fit it myself.. Planning all this during lockdown kept me sane 😁 Pinterest boards full of lovely interiors and ideas for the next house I'll buy... It all helps!
The end is in sight for you all, promise!

Does he not have anyone he can stay with or rent a cheap room?

Category 12 I hear you !!
"Have your own set. Box everything else and put it into storage.
Get one of those big plastic storage boxes with a lid and shove any thing he leaves in it and leave it."
This. I must mention though, I've used a 16 feet storage space since July and it's costing £38 per month, it was half price for first 8 weeks to reel customers in.
And Maze76 Well said, thinking of you as i'm in exactly the same boat, don't know whether i'll have a job to go back to after lockdown, but the end justifies the means,

Sorry for late reply! We rent and he can’t move out till January till I’m financially ok so I’m having to grit my teeth. He has never been violent or aggressive just like living with a 12 year old boy!

Seriously just thinking of buying him paper plates so he can bin them immediately!

We had a meal for an occasion today today. Asked me to take care of the booking as he was working so I did. Then brought home the kids favourite take away two hours before we were due to eat out. Apparently he ‘dropped a bollock and forgot’ so I had to put the meal time back an hour and we ended up bringing lots food back!

Honestly there is times I think he might have ADHD seriously.

You ladies have done so well! I can’t wait for order as he is chaos.