Four years together, relationship drifting along, doesn't know how he feels

[Outdoorsie]

So we're 4 years together, have always lived apart. Lately I feel the relationship has become stale and we're seeing less of each other, so I said I wanted to chat about this. I said I felt the relationship isn't a priority in his life, that others are, that he'd always rather spend time in his house. He's not great at talking about his emotions and says he clams up when I bring these things up. He also said "I'm not sure how I feel", which he didn't elaborate on. Is it reasonable to talk about where a relationship is going after this length of time or just let it drift along?

“Is it reasonable to talk about where a relationship is going after this length of time or just let it drift along?”

To be honest, if you have to ask where a relationship is going after four years, it tells you that it’s going nowhere really – unless you got together really young (say 16 or something).

By saying he doesn’t know how he feels, he’s basically told you that you’re the good enough for now girlfriend. Surely you deserve much better than to be with someone who four years in isn’t really sure how they feel?

Life is not a dress rehearsal and this is your one shot at it. It sounds like he is happy to keep you dangling for the time being but when someone else really takes his fancy, he will be off. He’s basically told you that he doesn’t care about you that much. If he did, he would know it. If you are looking for someone to settle down and have a family with, this is not the man for you. If being good enough for now suits you, then yes - let things drift. But it doesn’t sound like it does.

If he “doesn’t know how he feels” I’d leave him. You honestly need someone who will support and love you through whatever life has to throw at you. Ditch him, please.

Why aren't you living together?

I would walk away and not look back after that statement. It's insulting.

Flogging a dead horse op. His apathy says it all.

I maintain that most men will within 3 years want to make some kind of commitment, the decent ones will propose but certainly co-habiting.

He doesn't see you as a permanent partner sorry

If he doesn't know how he feels after 4 years he never will

You can let it drift along if you're happy, but if you want the relationship escalator of living together, marriage, kids or whatnot, you'd be daft to.

How old are you both?

If he had anything nice to say, he would probably say it.

He doesn’t know how he feels? After 4 years?

I’d move on and find someone who actually has feelings for me.

He knows exactly how he feels, and it's not much. He's just drifting along in the relationship, and I doubt he really cares whether you stick around or leave him.

You deserve dare more than this.

Hi @Outdoorsie, you may want to read up on attachment styles. He sounds avoidant, ie wants a relationship but can only go so far before his fear of being smothered kicks in, hence the procrastination about how he feels. Worth some investigation as these sorts of relationships can cause a lot of heartache long term and you may not get the commitment you want. Four years is plenty of time to decide a future together.