I need to move on

[HPmummy19]

Hi guys - I need advice!
I am a single mum to a beautiful little 1 year old. Me and my ex broke up when I was 6 months pregnant, he didn't want to be a dad and that was the end of us.
Anyway - my LO is now 15 months and I still let my exP get to me. The title isn't strictly true - I have moved on and am over him, I don't love or have any attraction to him anymore (I fell out of love with him when he bullied me when I was carrying our child!)
But I can't help but still let him get to me and consume my thoughts with his pathetic life - each time he has a new "woman" I find myself comparing myself to them and searching social media and just generally getting myself into a stupid hole of negativity and bitterness. Honestly - I am over him - I couldn't think of anything worse than being in a relationship with him! Our relationship was on the brink before I fell pregnant - we had an up and down 3 year relationship but his treatment towards me during pregnancy was the final straw.
Why do I still let him get to me though? He doesn't have anything to do with my LO - the fact he rejected my son obviously still angers me but I stay positive for my son. But it angers me how he flounces around our hometown (we all live in the same small town) with his new women and he doesn't give his son a second thought? Never contributed financially or so much as sent a card to my son on his birthday or Christmas.
It just angers me, and I go through phases of really letting him get to me and I just don't want to be this way anymore!! He isn't in my sons life, fine, I can deal with that and give my son all my love!! But how do I switch off from that scumbag??
I am a depression/anxiety sufferer so I do get obsessive thoughts when there is something that niggles me - so I get that this is going to be a really hard thing to "untrigger" but any advice is welcome xx

How fulfilling are you finding your life? Do you have plans and ambitions? It is easy to get preoccupied with loser ex's for no other reason than that you are bored!

I found it just took time I'm sorry I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. It's 7 years later and he still does annoy me at times but I just breath rant to my partner and then try and move on. I know how frustrating it is though OP

@ModelCitizen this is a good point - yes I suppose you could say I am feeling a bit unfulfilled, but at the same time I have everything I could ever want with my baby boy and I don't find myself craving a partner at all. But I am still living at home with my mum, I'm 25 and sometimes feel like I should be living on my own/buying my own home like some of my friends are doing. Obviously this is really hard to do on my own though... yes I could rent somewhere but I would never be able to save for my own home if I rented. And truthfully, I love living with my mum and son, we are like the three musketeers, I just feel society tells me I should be moving out...
This isn't something that I get down about though, just something that looms over me from time to time 🤷🏼‍♀️ I definitely punish myself more than I should and beat myself up about not being a good enough mum x

You are 25 with the world in front of you. Dont get preoccupied about buying houses, get interested in creating a future for yourself that gives you long term economic independence.

It sounds like whilst you're over him in the respect of not wanting to be with him any more, you don't have full 'closure' so to speak in terms of processing the end of the relationship/how badly he's treated you and your son. Maybe some therapy would support you in doing that if you would be open to it x

@SLC352 that's exactly how I feel... we ended abruptly and over text, and he just went off the radar, whilst I was growing his son on my own.... and then I found out he was actually with another woman and living with her! Whilst I was carrying his child. So yes I definitely think you are right about the closure thing!
I would love to speak to a therapist tbh... I was offered to be referred by the doctor years ago but waiting lists were so long. Maybe I could look at going private...
Thank you for your help xx

I think you need to find something to do that fulfills you and takes your mind of this waster of a man. A part time job or a hobby, but definitely something positive and pro-active.
If you like living with your mum and she likes it too then carry on. I expect your little one will benefit from having two of you to look after him, but you need friends of your own too.
You need to forget him though..he won't give you a second thought

Yes sounds like that could be really helpful. When it’s so sudden and unexplained you have no answers/can’t process it, hence the continued thoughts about it down the line. I had exactly the same experience after a very sudden break up in a very happy relationship where I found out he had a new girlfriend afew weeks later. After afew months I was confident we weren’t meant to be but I still think about the break up occasionally now and would love to ask him what the fuck happened there!!!! And that’s 8 years ago and I’m happily settled! I think I need some therapy too as my self esteem took such a hit! Sending love x

@Anordinarymum @SLC352 this is the crazy thing, I work 3 days a week and have a lovely bunch of friends, but even when I'm sat at my desk I find myself getting mad about him... he really has had a lasting effect on me. And I definitely think it's the closure thing... even though we were up and down and argued like cat and dog, I did love him and truly thought he loved me, so when I found out about all the cheating and the way he suddenly turned into a different person and treated me so bad in my pregnancy (he owed me a lot of money from when we were in a relationship that he had always promised to pay back, but when I was pregnant and needed it most he refused to give it me back and I had to do everything myself financially - also a hotel/trip away and festival we both payed for but he had the confirmation and tickets for he took his new woman to but didn't pay me back... this way 2 weeks after we split up as well, on top of all that he would send me abusive emails saying I had ruined his life by keeping this baby, but in the next breath would say he couldn't wait to be a dad but he just despised me? Which had come from nowhere as literally weeks before we had split he was saying he wanted to marry me and was encouraging me to look for houses with him.... he was just so up and down and I think this has definitely affected my mental heath and self esteem. And even though I am confident that I am completely out of love with him, he doesn't possess my thoughts a lot in a negative light.
It's draining me and I just wish I could switch it off. I struggle enough with my mental health as it is, 6 years on citalopram and no closer to coming off them, wish I wasn't such a nutcase 😂 also just been diagnosed with gilberts disease - something I still need to do my homework on! But I've just really been in the dump lately... this might explain why he has been consuming my thoughts so much?

I definitely would love to find a hobby, I don't have any hobbies or interests! I love socialising with my friends (when I have the energy) and I love going out for meals with the girls and having a drink. Boris hasn't stopped that now though!! 😂
And most of all I love making memories with my son - taking him to see animals or the park. I need more get up and go in my life and I need to stop dwelling on the negative things in my life and comparing myself to situations that has NO relevance to my life anymore....
So sorry this has just become me venting my life story... I hope you don't mind 😂 thank you so much for your comments xx

Oops I meant to say "he does possess my thoughts" and "Boris has stopped that now". Still half asleep after baby boy kept me up most of the night 😴🤣 xx