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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at constant 2nd guessing

21 replies

Agog123 · 17/10/2020 15:36

Me and my partner are very happily married, now ten years in. We’ve had some very trying times and other people have always been very complimentary about our relationship, as we’ve overcome a lot.

We’ve got a 3yo and a 10mo. But very recently he’s got this habit of 2nd guessing me and is driving me absolutely nuts.

Example such as;
Me ‘No, the water is still too hot for the baby’ him ‘is it?’ (Tests it anyway) ... aghhhhhh

‘No, don’t feed her that those bits are still too big’ - ‘are they?’ - again, agghhhhhh

Him ‘what time is it’ me ‘2pm’ - he checks the clock, ‘oh it’s 1:57’ (what the actual fuck...)

I mean, give me strength!

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 17/10/2020 15:38

You're really not being unreasonable. that's the sort of thing that long term, undermines you

slipperywhensparticus · 17/10/2020 15:41

What time is it? Say I dont know if he us going to check anyway

The hot water thing let him get burned

The food maybe just let him learn himself

Original poster
Agog123 · 17/10/2020 19:07

I really wouldn’t care if it was for his own benefit, I think maybe it’s because the hot water was the babies bath, and the food was her weaning .. so I have to say something ..

OP posts:
LiveFromHome · 17/10/2020 19:21

He should know whether the bath water is too warm, or the baby food is too chunky - but if you've always stepped in when he's about to do something with the children, then he'll never find out.

Now I'm not saying you should let your child get scalded, or choke on their food... of course you shouldn't.

But it's only with hindsight that I can see that when DS was a baby I was always there hovering when DH was doing anything with him, and it wasn't necessarily that he was doing it wrong, it was that he was doing it differently to how I'd do it.

I stepped in far too much when I should have just left him to it and looking back on it now, I made a rod for my own back.

DookaDakkaDikku · 18/10/2020 00:18

I've had to train my partner to say "Really?". He would always say it with a rising tone which made him sound disbelieving. Rather than a falling tone which makes him sound interested in what I am saying. He genuinely didn't know there was a difference. I feel a lot better now we've sorted it. He sometimes says, "Was that the right 'Really'?" Grin

If he's a good bloke try not to take it to heart and have a calm word with him about it :) It is irritating, but he probably doesn't mean anything by it

newnameforthis123 · 18/10/2020 00:44

Death by a thousand papercuts.

Original poster
Agog123 · 18/10/2020 05:52

That is actually really good advice! Yes, he’s a very good man, and the fact that he’s only just started being super annoying after we’ve spent every single day together since March is, I suppose, to be expected.

Maybe he’s always done it but now I’m ‘tuned in’ I pick up on it all the time, and maybe now I’m just very sensitive to being listened to and believed, as I’ve been off work so long.

Either way I need some coping strategies until hopefully I either tune out or he stops saying it. Please let it be soon or I might just snap!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/10/2020 08:40

Very very irritating OP.

HmmFlowers

category12 · 18/10/2020 08:50

Maybe he's fed up with you correcting him on things?

Can he really not be trusted to feed or bathe the baby without boiling the child alive?

Could there be a middle ground where you leave him to muddle through childcare things his own way even if it's different to the way you would do it? Obviously step in if he really is going to harm the children.

Original poster
Agog123 · 18/10/2020 10:43

It’s a bit of ‘once bitten, twice shy’ scenario unfortunately. I don’t want to resent him for him being absent-minded when looking after the baby and something happens. I give him every opportunity to do the caring and take the lead, but I genuinely feel like I have to step in if she’s going to get hurt. His judgement is fine with the older one, and he’s a really good dad.

It’s not really just the childcare that I have the issues with the 2nd guessing, he does it in all manner of scenarios!

OP posts:
Original poster
Agog123 · 18/10/2020 10:46

Like, Him ‘what time did you make the appt for’ me: ‘3:30’ him ‘oh I thought it was 3pm, are you sure it’s 3:30?’

Like, yes it’s 3:30... I made the appt....

OP posts:
LiveFromHome · 18/10/2020 10:47

I give him every opportunity to do the caring and take the lead, but I genuinely feel like I have to step in if she’s going to get hurt

If that's the case, then it's really worrying that you can never leave him alone with your baby. You have bigger problems than him quibbling over the time being wrong by 3 minutes.

showmethegin · 18/10/2020 10:55

I would find this very irritating. My DP asks me how to do something, then when I tell him he goes 'why?' 'No i don't need to do it like that, I'll do it like this'. It gives me the fucking rage.

LatentPhase · 18/10/2020 11:21

Why are you making appointments for him

Why are you Executive Director of Everything.

Try this:

Him: ‘What time is it?’
You: ‘I don’t know’

JurassicParkaha · 18/10/2020 11:29

Just another perspective - my ex bf was a bit like you in this scenario. And expected me take everything he said as the gospel truth and get very annoyed if i ever questioned him or decided to do something differently, despite taking his advice. Not petty stuff such as the time though.

And the argument i always had with him was that i was an intelligent adult and his way was not always the best way. That unless he had very good reason to believe i was a complete idiot, he should trust that I would figure things out, or sometimes might come up with a better way to do it! And that i could ask his advice, think about it, and STILL decide i wanted to do it differently! I personally found it very controlling and stifling that he told me off/chided/got angry at me on every little thing, like i was too stupid to be trusted to do it right. It was a parent child dynamic and I left him over it.

I have no idea if this is the case between you and your DH - but it is worth considering that maybe he doesn't like being told off constantly. if you genuinely think he will burn or choke your baby, think about what that is - is he really incompetent or is it just own need for everything to be a certain way? And if he is incompetent, how do you get him to not be, so you can just leave him to it.

Original poster
Agog123 · 18/10/2020 12:06

I’m ‘exec director’ because he works from 7-7 and sees the baby at weekends, so it’s not like I can expect him to know everything because I do most of all the organising, and the parenting - it’s not his fault! I don’t think I’m overly controlling, I’m just the one ‘in control’ most of the time because he’s not here! So there is an element of me knowing everything that’s going on I suppose, which is why he asks, but then it’s just annoying when he doesn’t believe the answer. It just confuses me!

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 18/10/2020 12:32

Its probably not (if everything else is fine) but, this can be an example of gaslighting behaviour. Abusers commonly do this as a way of undermining you and making you feel like they think you are stupid and that they don't have any faith in you.

JurassicParkaha · 18/10/2020 12:43

Ah ok, then tbh he is being weird and I'm not sure why. Maybe he doesn't realise he's doing it? Worth telling him, and explaining why it's annoying you. He might let on why he's doing it then.

Lila5665 · 18/10/2020 12:44

Get a family diary, put all appointments in it and tell him to check it when he asks. Or to request anything. Like if he says on a Saturday "can you make a doctor's appointment for me? Tell him to put it in the diary as a to-do for you on Monday..... When he asks... "When's that appointment?" It's in the diary. I get one with a little detachable shopping list on it it and everyone puts what they need in it for the weekly shop .... No more "can you get tomato sauce" I tell them to write on the shopping list... Just cause he's working 7-7 doesn't mean he can't phone and double check appointments, tell him to phone them if he's unsure. Put all numbers for everything in a phone book so he doesn't need to ask you. You can still organise without holding everything in your head and being the only point of contact. My son used to be obsessed with knowing the time. I put four clocks round the house and he checks them, instead of asking me.

MikeUniformMike · 18/10/2020 12:55

It's not quite second guessing but I can believe it to be irritating.
He's questioning your opinion and undermining you.

Tell him how it makes you feel, or answer with, "Yes, it is" each time and stand your ground.

Sadie67 · 18/10/2020 13:00

I think you are the one second guessing him though. He's prepared the water and the food in both of these scenarios? You say they aren't good enough and he obviously disagrees... We aren't there, we don't know if he's incompetent if you are a perfectionist but there has to be a discussion because he is still a parent two days a week and you allocating yourself as the one who knows everything can be quite damaging.

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