Anyone left a marriage with absolutely no money?

[brokeandbroken]

We're broke and I feel like I'm trapped in my marriage. We privately rent, are on benefits, live month to month. I feel like I can't leave even though I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship (alcoholism and substance abuse on his part and I can't quite take it anymore).

We have 2 under 3s so childcare is just out of the question as it takes up my entire pay packet if I went back to work. But I can't leave my husband and not work. What do I do?

Has anyone does this before? What help were you given?

Why do you feel you cannot leave?

Because I have no money to leave. Literally none. Where will I go? How will I house my children?

OK Stupid question time. Why can't he leave ?

Why can't you go back to work? It might not be profitable right now, but you say you will be worse off. That will give you access to another space, growing financial independence etc

It might be to leave immediately, but if you can't do that, an action plan to do so in a year would be better. The start of that might be looking for a job, or moving closer to your support network etc.

Have you thought about what benefits you'd be entitled to? Go on the Turn2Us website, they have a calculator.

Benefits will cover housing etc.

If you ring a dv helpline they will help you through all of this.

Single parent websites such as Gingerbread have very good advice too.

@Anordinarymum The benefits we receive doesn't cover all our rent, there are bills for days, I couldn't afford to stay where we are now even if I worked full time ole I said childcare costs exceed what I'd earn). He probably could afford to stay where we are currently.

Benefits will help you in or out of work.

Can you speak to Woman's Aid, if there's substance abuse in the household I really think you need to get you and your kids out of that environment asap.

Wow - some people here just don't understand the importance of money! You clearly outlined why you feel you can't leave. Money to live on.

OK Stupid question time. Why can't he leave?
Well presumably he would need to agree to this and if he is an abusive arse is not likely to agree. Its amazes me how many women here think you just need to tell a bloke to go and off he pops.

OP, you can get advice from places like women's aid and CAB about what benefits you would be entitled to if you left/ found work. Childcare is stupidly expensive - I agree this is a problem that often traps single parents (normally women) in poverty.

You sound like neither of you work now, so if you left you would be no worse off? In fact, you may even be better off if your benefits are no longer subsidising his addictions?

[quote brokeandbroken]@Anordinarymum The benefits we receive doesn't cover all our rent, there are bills for days, I couldn't afford to stay where we are now even if I worked full time ole I said childcare costs exceed what I'd earn). He probably could afford to stay where we are currently. [/quote]
If he can afford to stay there and you work, why are you living from hand to mouth? Is because he is spending the money on drugs? Does he work also OP ?

You can leave this and make a better life. It wont be easy but it will be better and it will continue to get better as the kids get older. You will get help with childcare costs. Please contact a charity to work out what benefits you will be entitled to- and remember as the children get older they will require less childcare, I have also seen how many women once freed from shitty relationships thrive at work and get promotions etc. Good luck

How is it you're now living from hand to mouth?. Is the money ultimately going on drink and drugs?.

Knowledge here is power; seek this from agencies like Gingerbread, the Rights of Women and Womens Aid. Have you sought legal advice to date re divorce?. He won't make it easy for you to leave anyway and will remain unreasonable and abusive post separation.

Yes. And I took no financial settlement either. It was tough but I stand by my choice

Yes. With 89p in my bank account. That was literally all I had. And two kids.

With those issues I'd be tempted to call social services for help x

As other posters have said look into what benefits you would be entitled to. For example off the top of my head, if working you would get 30 hrs of childcare for your 3 year old, and if/when your other child turns 2 as a lone parent 30 hrs of childcare. Maybe try citizens advice?

Thanks everyone for the replies. All the advice on where to turn to is incredibly helpful.

My husband is self employed but Covid was a bit of a death knell for his business so that's why we're now on benefits. We've never been this destitute before and it's scary. I hate being in my own home and am so desperate to leave with my children. The whole process scares the shit out of me to be honest.

I would secretly get on the list for a council house. If there is abuse (including emotional and financial), declare it. Leave once you have the house. It may be quite a wait, but at least that puts some sort of an end point on it.

Thanks @PicsInRed I'm going to do that. Do I apply via my local council?

I didn't know about the funded hours for 2yr olds either! I've had a look on entitledto and it seems to cover a fair chunk of outgoings (even if I was working FT)but not near enough to live on long-term. I don't know how I'm supposed to pay a deposit on a rental property, pay moving costs etc?! Also, how easy is it to secure a tenancy as someone on benefits 🙁?

I'm going to speak to my local council and women's aid on Monday. Thank you again everyone!

Alcohol and sm is taking more money in all likelihood than you would lose as a single parent.

If you get a housing association property (aka a council property) you won't need a deposit.

Start thinking about reliable friends (or their partners?) who might be able to help you move. Someone with a van or who could hire one.

If you start confusing in a few people you'll be surprised at the offers of help you get.

*confiding