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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please send strengthening words. So sad it's ending - please give stories of hope

14 replies

RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 13:59

I've been with his for about 3 years but his difficult ways have now become too much. I'm so sad and upset about it. We parted this morning, it's still not 100% clear but I expect this is it.

Here's my original thread: [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4042311-He-s-always-off-somewhere]

Can you lovely, strong, people give me hope, please? I'm late 40s and don't want to be starting all over again. All those lonely nights Sad but it's too much to stay in this, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 14:00

Always off somewhere is the link to the previous thread.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 17/10/2020 14:14

You'll be much happier without him

Anordinarymum · 17/10/2020 14:17

@RussetandGold

I've been with his for about 3 years but his difficult ways have now become too much. I'm so sad and upset about it. We parted this morning, it's still not 100% clear but I expect this is it.

Here's my original thread: [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4042311-He-s-always-off-somewhere]

Can you lovely, strong, people give me hope, please? I'm late 40s and don't want to be starting all over again. All those lonely nights Sad but it's too much to stay in this, too.

OP How weird ! I just started a thread in 'Chat' about this.

Don't look for it. You need a break to look after yourself before you start jumping into dating.

Original poster
RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 14:18

I hope so, Shoxfordian
It feels like all I did was complain about him... I need to be reminded.

OP posts:
Original poster
RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 14:19

Thanks @Anordinarymum. I will look for your thread.

We haven’t officially ended it yet so I’m a looong way ofc anything else. I’m so sad.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 17/10/2020 16:01

Ohhhhh,OP... I’m sorry this is happening. Just read through your thread and a lot of it resonates. Wanna talk about what’s brought things to a head? I am so sorry Flowers

Original poster
RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 16:05

Thanks so much @LatentPhase
Are you going through similar?
It feels so crap. I tried to discuss how difficult his lifestyle is, and how I'm trying to keep up. He took it as an insult. Plus I have my kids this weekend and he went off, galavanting as usual. Not sure when I will see him again, as he's off on yet another trip when he returns from this one. He packed pretty much all of his stuff from my house. We said we're not sure if we're making each other happy any more. He has posted what he's up to on FB.

I am trying to remember that this relationship has been hard, hard work. He has the potential to be a narc, I need to hang onto that and to keep my dignity.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 17/10/2020 16:26

My scenario is similar in terms of LTR keeping both homes and me feeling it too risky to combine finances. Different issues to you but it feels similar - once bitten twice shy with being the ‘default’ grownup in the relationship.

If you’re not making each other happy then that’s not good.youve got kids therefore there are complications. And incompatibilities. So proceeding with caution is wise.

Sounds like some fundamentals lacking here in terms of values. If you guys can’t accept the limitations in the relationship (if that’s how you view them - sounds like you do) then maybe things have run their course.

Flowers
Original poster
RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 16:39

That must have been exhausting, too, Latent. It's tough when you want to combine - your instincts tell you it's the next step - but it's too risky, financially. I feel there are too many power issues now, and these 'talks' have just made them worse. If I carry on in this, I will be showing him he can cross my boundaries.

Good point about limitations in the relationship. I'm so confused. One minute he was talking about living together, the next about doing what the fuck he likes. Where's the sense in that?

How are you finding it? I want to distract myself, but it's hard without being able to go to the cinema, etc. today. Have called on my friends but I don't know how much more I can do of that! Once things are clearer, I will unfriend him on social media, as it's upsetting me too much.

OP posts:
unlikelytobe · 17/10/2020 18:03

It sounded to me that he wanted to have his cake and eat it: have a base and a woman to come home to and occasionally travel with but not be too tied down. You need to be compatible in this regard or it wears you down. He may be loving and interesting but he will keep sodding off and that isn't a great commitment, is it? He wanted to buy a house with you but wouldn't have been there much but would bring the chaos in (along with some smells!) then whirl out again? If that's not for you then you're better off as friends.

Original poster
RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 18:30

Thank you, @unlikelytobe

You're right. He enjoyed my home as a base when it suited him. He liked it that I cleaned his clothes. He liked it that I could hang around with him, but the crux came when the hanging around got too much. He was doing his job from a pub the other day, and all sorts of shady places, and it was not good. I can't be associated with someone like this.

Yes, yes. He's loving and interesting but yet again he's gone off, and he will be back then off again Monday for most of the week. Even if we can't be together, he's also not 'present' when he's away as he's driving or sleeping and can't text anything meaningful. No. This is not commitment.

Interestingly, in the 'house talk' it was always he who thought I was being uncommitting. But he couldn't commit. All his places of living have a problem or are too small. He saw me with my mortgage-free side of the deal, I think. He would bring chaos, you are right.

I like adventure, and it can feature in another future relationship. But this was more than just adventure-seeking. It was a real mess of things.

I'm not sure we can be friends. I feel too raw and untrusting of him. Some space, I think. I will take him off my social media once we've had another chat.

Oh I am so hurting! But I can't turn him into something he isn't.

OP posts:
Dery · 17/10/2020 19:09

@RussetandGold - I remember your previous post. Sorry it’s unfolded this way – it didn’t sound so close to ending when you previously posted. However, my mum met the love of her life in her mid 50s and she had numerous friends who met lovely partners in their 60s so you may well find another relationship in the future and one that suits you better!

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 17/10/2020 19:12

I remember your last thread op, im sorry it came to this. I sense it's for the best though. You deserve peace of mind and a peaceful home life xx

Original poster
RussetandGold · 17/10/2020 19:17

Thanks so much, Dery It wasn't close to ending, but this week there were a couple of days shuffling around and I got tired and tried to raise it with him. I just can't see how we can stay together.

Thank you so much for your story about your mum. I feel more encouraged. I do hope I can find another, more suitable relationship, in time.

WellQualified Thanks so much. It's good to hear from others, and to see what they think. I need more peace than he can offer.

OP posts:
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