Partner getting angry whenever you're upset with them?

[MandB23]

Is this normal?

Is it a man thing?

For me, it ranges from when they have done something overtly and obviously wrong up to just the small stuff that bugs you and want to talk about.

I know the relationship is doomed so I don't necessarily need advice but i just wonder how many men are like this? It seems whenever i speak about topics such as racism or sexism - men can get quite defensive and dismissive. So I'm wondering if it's just something that happens in a lot of relationships?

Some examples for me have been the extremes of finding out he has lied about going into stripclubs (when i told him that i didn;t care about this - i just hate lies, they are a theme in the relationship and now i cannot stand even the tiniest lie) and being upset about it - not angry, just upset and quiet and distant. Actually, the quieter and calmer I express myself, the angrier he seems to get. Or when I had an issue with him repeatedly having sex with me whilst i was asleep. When i repeatedly told him to not do that. If i tried to speak about that, he would be awful. Cruel and angry.

To the tiny stuff, like just now I was a bit irritated by the way he handled a parenting thing and i said so calmy and he just cannot handle criticism in the slightest and gets so worked up about it.

I dunno. I know that when i feel the need to vent on mumsnet that I'm feeling a bit lost.

Anyone experience of people like this?
Total lack of empathy, dramatising everything, deflective and defensive, obsessed with 'fault' and who is wrong and right, and quite cold at times when I'm upset about something.

His reaction to you being upset with him is the least of your problems. My dh can be a bit defensive at times but, unlike your partner, he doesn't go to strip clubs or rape me.

He tried to have sex with you while you were asleep? Does this happen often?

I dont think men in general are the problem here. I think the problem is the abusive controlling narcissistic rapist you live with.

My sisters ex went to prison for having sex with her when she was asleep aka rape.

@funnylittlefloozie

He tried to have sex with you while you were asleep? Does this happen often?

I dont think men in general are the problem here. I think the problem is the abusive controlling narcissistic rapist you live with.

@funnylittlefloozie It happened from about mid 2017 until mid 2018. I don't know why it started. First time was following a big argument and I had just got to sleep and woke up when he was already at it. I just froze and kind of waited. It stopped when I got pregnant from one of the instances, because we were not having sex otherwise but we lost the baby at 23 weeks. I had to give birth and I had a short hospital stay because of sepsis. The night I came home, he tried it. I woke and shouted at him. Usually i would just lie there and wait. That was the last time.

We don't talk about it a lot. I used to, the day after it had happened. To say kind of like - it happened again, can you not. He would get angry with me. I'm not over it and I feel totally damaged by it and i need therapy. I'm aware I need to leave him. I just don't have the strength currently.

If we do talk about it, he eye rolls and huffs and says oh here we go yeah i raped you. I don't think he accepts it as that though. And, he actually says he didn't know he was doing it when i ask why. But i think he did, because it has now stopped.

I just try and get on with life and not really think about it. But I cannot say a negative word to him without getting an argument. And then i wonder if it's my fault for being sensitive or too much. I know it's not really.

He's a rapist
What support do you need to be able to leave him?

In a paternal and misogynistic society, there's plenty of men out there that that have a low grade hate and contempt for women.

Of course not all men are like that. You just happened to get caught up with a defective one.

Another group, a woman was nervous about telling a male colleague to stop referring to her as girly. Others said to let it go as not to lose her job. These women must have seen or experienced how fragile an ego can be and how petty and vindictive some men can be. There's every reason to be afraid.

So no it's not really normal but it sure is prevalent.

In answer to the thread title, yes. Turning it back on the other person is a common tactic to get out of trouble. Eg, "I saw sexts from another women on your phone" "How dare you look at my phone!"

Reading your post though, just forget all that, this man rapes you. Get out.

It's training you not to express any negative emotion at him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What you are describing here is an abusive relationship. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. Abusive men like your H never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Its always to them someone else's fault, never theirs.

Not all men nor women for that matter are abusive by any means.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

It's designed to get you walking on eggshells so you don't dare complain about anything. It's emotional abuse and it will be affecting your children too. Are they scared of him?

You know you need to leave this man OP. Life will be so much easier.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What you are describing here is an abusive relationship. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. Abusive men like your H never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Its always to them someone else's fault, never theirs.

Not all men nor women for that matter are abusive by any means.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He's nice 90% of the time.

It's just when i have an issue.

He will also sometimes act like he 'gets it' but in the first instance, I'm always met with anger. I feel detached from him in one way but then i'm also pretty desperate to be loved by him and I feel so pathetic just saying that.

I do think that if my finances where better then I would leave. I think we would need to sell the house and that is something I worry about. I have almost come to the decision that i need to stay until the children are older so that I can be in a better position financially for the future. At one point life was terrible and their was anger and arguments a lot. Now it's quite calm because i've detached myself. But i do find myself in the trap of wanting to make it all better and idealising him a bit.

I need to get therapy, I know this. I need to stop obsessing over him and what he thinks of me and realise that I don't really like him anyway. Not really.

It's his way of deflecting guilt. Oh and he is a twat of the first order.

When I opened your thread I was expecting you to say something along the lines of 'he gets angry when I get onto him about housework/emptying the bin/not doing the recycling etc.'. not raping you, or being unfaithful which is what lying about seeking sexual services is.

Oh, that is all so awful. You really need to get help to leave.

Please have a look and get help.
Do not stay with your rapist and emotional abuser because you are worried about selling the house.
Women's Aid will advise and support you.

He's nice 90% of the time.

How did you at all arrive at such a figure?. You know this is not true.
The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

And would you drink a nice cup of coffee with just 10% of shit in it, no you would not. You get nothing or infact anything good out of this relationship but you need help and support in order to leave it.

Do not whatever you do stay until the children are older (how old exactly?) because this will just give your man more opportunity to abuse you and in turn them. They see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken to each other and would you want them to be treated like you are in their own adult relationships?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

And yes you are correct in that you do need therapy. Please contact Womens Aid (you can go to Boots and access their support from there) and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. You need to also work out exactly where this need to idolise him came from and wanting to make it all better (perhaps your own childhood experiences). Are you codependent in relationships?. His needs are not more important than yours and you matter.

The house and finances are really no reasons at all to remain with your abuser. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

Your children are also not going to say "thanks mum" to you for staying with this man. Your children know more than you care to realise, they know you two do not like each other. This is no relationship legacy to be leaving them.

What Bethany39 said
"It's designed to get you walking on eggshells so you don't complain about anything."

This.
Maybe set yourself a time goal to leave?
Words fail me as to his attitude, you need to leave as soon as you can.

Number 1: your being raped. You don’t stay with a rapist for the kids: do you have a daughter? Think of how you would feel if u found out she was being raped. Please report him. This is serious. He believes he is doing no wrong which can create a very dangerous human being for the next victim .

Number 2: what ur dealing with is a narcissist. Please go and google and read up on this personality disorder. It will help put things into perspective for you and have u see that none of this is ur fault and will give u the tools and strength to leave. I stayed with a narc for so many year’s not understanding what I was dealing with as unfortunately they know how put on the ‘prince charming charm’ (maybe why you feel if can be lovely at times). It only took me to start training as a nurse and studying psychology to realise the way of a narcissist.

All the best

Also I will point out- I thought my 5 year old daughter was very unaware of what was going on in our household: she’s now 9 and speaks to me about the time leaving with ‘him’. So believe me, ur children know more than what u realise

"Or when I had an issue with him repeatedly having sex with me whilst i was asleep."

As everyone else has pointed out, this is rape.

It is clear from this and his other behaviour that he's abusive. So his anger, defensiveness, refusal to accept any criticism, etc are just part of the overall pattern of abuse. It's not normal and all men are not like that, no.

I suggest you read Lundy Bancroft and do the Freedom Programme.

He acts this way because he's trying to train you to never have any needs that might stand in the way of what he wants.

He acts this way because he wishes you'd shut the fuck up, basically.

Raping you is all part of the same awful package. He doesnt care how you feel, what you want, whether you consent or don't. He cares about himself. What you may want is not much more than an annoying, irrelevant detail to him.

You deserve better than this. I'm so sorry he has done these things to you. Your posts make my blood run cold, I want to come and collect you, put you into my spare room, and give you a cup of tea. No one should have to share a home with their rapist.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

He acts this way because he's trying to train you to never have any needs that might stand in the way of what he wants.

He acts this way because he wishes you'd shut the fuck up, basically.

Raping you is all part of the same awful package. He doesnt care how you feel, what you want, whether you consent or don't. He cares about himself. What you may want is not much more than an annoying, irrelevant detail to him.

You deserve better than this. I'm so sorry he has done these things to you. Your posts make my blood run cold, I want to come and collect you, put you into my spare room, and give you a cup of tea. No one should have to share a home with their rapist.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC well I really wish you could come and get me too.

I feel like I’m confused. Because I know all of this. But he is really quite ‘lovely’ most of the time.
You know, he pulls his weight around the house, he is eager to please most of the time. I can’t put the person who I see most of the time with the person who has treated me so badly, at times.

It’s like my head hasn’t quite caught up. And a lot of the time I want to hold on to the nice person and forget about everything bad. But then when I see little glimmers of the horrible side, it all comes back and then I over react because I’m reminded of what a mug I am and how much he takes advantage of me. Their is no normal. Our life is just extremes. And it really messes with your head.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have children with him so that it would all be easier. And what an awful thing to think.

I have it in my head that I’m going to wait until my children are all in school. So I can keep my full time job.

Most of the time it’s pretty easy going and we just plod on. So nobody is coming to any harm with us like this.

I do feel though like healing from what he did is impossible with him here. Especially with the way he treats me at times. I need to trust that he cares about me and that the person who could do that isn’t there anymore. Which sounds ridiculous when I write it down. Because how could anybody ever do that in the first place.

I watched adult material the other day. I was shell shocked after one episode. Totally triggered. And then couldn’t even face him because the reality of what he had done just hit me.

I really do need therapy!

He hates women, that's why he's dismissive about feminism, and started raping you after you fell asleep after an argument, to assert his dominance/hatred of you. Unfortunately misogynistic wankers aren't rare.

I need to get therapy, I know this. I need to stop obsessing over him and what he thinks of me and realise that I don't really like him anyway. Not really.

You know this already. If you want people to give you 'permission'/tell you you're doing the right thing, then I'm sure we'll all be happy to help. Therapy is good too though, but there's nothing 'wrong' with you, you're just dealing in the best way you can with the trauma of being with an abuser.

nobody is coming to any harm with us like this.

Oh but you are, it's very psychologically unpleasant. Even when an abuser is being 'nice' (they have to sometimes or hardly anyone would stay, if they had any way of leaving at all) you have the anxiety of not knowing when the axe is going to fall and they're going to be a twat again.

I watched adult material the other day. I was shell shocked after one episode. Totally triggered. And then couldn’t even face him because the reality of what he had done just hit me. I really do need therapy!

Sounds like you were completely accurate in your assessment of the situation in that moment. Any therapy could be to help you feel more able to leave/more certain of your own perceptions.

Plus if you keep rereading people's replies as the thread grows, it might help you make those times of perception last. That's what I found when I made a thread.