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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone here had any dealings with a narcissist?

11 replies

littledonkeyyy · 17/10/2020 13:10

I think my ex is a narcissist.
He never showed empathy /sympathy.
He told me he had no feelings.
He would call me a narcissist and excuse me of the behaviours he was doing to me.
He would ignore me if he felt I did something wrong.
At the beginning he was amazing then just like that he changed.
Dumped me so cruelly.
No explanation to why he treated me like this.
Said my behaviour was awful and I should be ashamed,only an apology would help me now.
He said my behaviour was laughable and he cringed at my behaviour.
He twisted everything to make him look innocent and the victim.
He called his ex's crazy.

OP posts:
torquewench · 17/10/2020 13:15

Sounds like a textbook example of a narc. Pedestal/lovebombing phase, followed by sudden discard. Brace yourself for the hoovering phase when theyll try to suck you back in. And as for accusing you of all the stuff theyre doing, my ex used to project like this all the time. Once I learned what was happening it was a true lightbulb moment for me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2020 13:19

Nearly everyone on here has an ex they’ve diagnosed as a narcissist. Or a MIL. Or a SIL.

Not everyone has a personality disorder. Some people are just arseholes.

It’s over so try to move on. Reliving his faults and the things he accused you of won’t help.

littledonkeyyy · 17/10/2020 13:19

The bit that got me was the
"Im cringing at your ridiculous behaviour"

Do they really believe what they say ?
Or do they know you've treated you bad ?
Or are they oblivious

OP posts:
gingerbreadfox · 17/10/2020 13:24

I haven't had any experience of this but just wanted to say you may find the podcast 'Something was wrong' really insightful. It covers a lot about narcissism and it really educated me as I didn't really understand the traits etc or a narcissistic person.

Angrymum22 · 17/10/2020 13:46

Oblivious, they only see things from their point of view. It is the total lack of empathy. It must be very sad never feeling the pain for others. DH has learnt some of the behaviour strategies from his narc mum. But he is so not a narc. He’s usually in tears way before me when we watch films and I’m a serious empath to the point that it was very debilitating when I was young.
I remember MIL reducing me to tears a couple of years ago then telling me I was a silly little girl.

ChaChaCha2012 · 17/10/2020 13:50

He thinks you're a narcissist. You think he is a narcissist. What if both of you are right?

No point in fixating on a term that does nothing to change what happened.

littledonkeyyy · 17/10/2020 13:56

I'm deffo not a narcissist.
He just twists everything.
I guess it doesn't matter as its over.
Just curious to know if that's what they do.

OP posts:
Lila5665 · 17/10/2020 18:48

It helped me to put a name to the behaviour. People who are narcissistic are abusive. They gaslight, manipulate and fuck you over in a particularly nasty way. And a study I've read say that around 6% of the population is narcissistic. That's not rare.

I would recommend melanie tonia Evans, and Richard Grannon(?) I've stopped my research now, don't get obsessed with it, just spend a bit if time reading if it helps you.

And he did you a favour. It will take some time to see that, but he did . 🌼

vervaininthemembrane · 17/10/2020 21:47

Everything you need to know is right here. Hugs to you.

www.melanietoniaevans.com

ZoominMoomin · 17/10/2020 21:55

Yup. Ex was one and it nearly broke me mentally. He never apologised for legitimate things he had done wrong, constantly told me I was insane, overreactive and that I displayed unnecessary emotions such as being sad and made fun of me when I was happy. He made me believe no one else would want me, so I stayed for 8 years. During our relationship, I lost my grandma, who was in intensive care unit for a week before passing. I spent every day there whenever my mum couldn't visit her and as result, barely slept. My sister took over one day so I went to visit him (we didn't live together) and he tried being sexual with me. I asked him what he thought he was doing, and that could he not see that I was in no fit state for sex. He got off the bed and proclaimed that he had more reason to be mentally exhausted than me because he had been busy with work (he worked at home which meant he sat around in his pjs, eating pizza and playing video games whenever he felt like it). I felt sick that he would belittle my feelings for my dying grandparent and trump it by saying he was a bit tired from work. This upset me greatly, and it was something he never apologised for in the rest of our time together. He would also critique my body, and one time, in retaliation for me bringing up that his personal hygiene was lacking a bit one evening, he grabbed at my stomach and moved it around. 'You're getting a bit fat, you could do with losing this, couldn't you'. To this day, I have insane hang ups about my stomach, to the point where I am tearing up typing this out.

A lot more happened, but I eventually got so depressed, I walked out of work on the premise of wanting to drive my car into the nearest canal. I remember sitting in my car in front of the water just staring at it, wondering if everything he said about me was true, that maybe I was unlovable, ugly and a piece of shit.

In arguments, he would always put the blame on me, saying I instigated them when it was caused by him baiting me into being upset by something he said. If he didn't get his own way, he would ignore my texts and calls, trying desperately to sort it out. The longest he blanked me for was a few days, and he even ignored me when I knocked on his apartment door.

He was a stinge too, in that he gained popularity doing the job he did and started earning more money. I was obviously pleased for him that he was gaining a following, but as soon as he was earning that bit more, he accused me of only being with him for his money (bear in mind this was several years in!). An example of this was that I had a dream we went on holiday somewhere, and when I woke up, I was crying with happiness because the dream made me feel so good. I told him, thinking he would be like 'yeah, that sounds like a nice dream', but straight away, he accused me of being a money grabber, saying I was trying to spend his money before it even landed in his account.
Narcs are so insanely good at putting you down without you realising, and even though at this point I realised what he had done to me, I stayed with him a bit longer. The Christmas of the same year, he decided he'd had enough of me. It started because I wouldn't drive him home on boxing day, because I wanted to spend time with my family and relax. All I ever did was ferry him around. He never gave me petrol money. Ever. Anyway, he found another way home after ignoring me all day (again). I eventually got hold of him and he said he didn't want to talk to me, because I had been selfish by not driving him home. So, quite ironically, I got in my car and drove over. As soon as I got there, he started doing mock tears and said he couldn't be with me any more because I was too depressing to be around (again, how ironic!). I could have swung for him, but I didn't. He tried to give me the 'it's not you, it's me' thing, despite having just told me it was a 'me' problem. I left after gathering my mind back together and drove home, being left to wonder if in the future anyone would want me, and whether or not my relationship with him would leave me too scarred to be with anyone else.

In all honesty, I have a lot of issues stemming from that relationship. And I feel angry about it often. Unfortunately, he is intertwined with my life because he is in a friendship group with a family member. I have told them how he behaved, but I suppose they want to be unbiased.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. In short - they are exhausting to be around. Actual vampires of the mind and soul. Please don't go back to him. Move on with your head held high and relief that you got out of there. Again, sorry for the long winded reply.

FutureMama94 · 17/10/2020 23:10

OP- Yep, did have a Narc Ex and sounds similar to your experience. It was buried under insecurities so it came across like he was the Victim and everyone was evil. It was almost like everyone in his life treated him badly and unfairly and I believed him until.our second year together then the true him came out and I realised it was him not his family, friends and ex's. He was vaguely aware of some of his issues but refused to seek counselling. Ive come to realise he doesnt like seeming like hes in the wrong or imperfect at all and a counsellor would definitely encourage self reflection that would reveal imperfections.One lesson I learnt is that, I couldn't change or help him. Was very draining and rid me of 2 valuable years of my life trying to emotionally support and please a Narcissist

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