I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this. I desperately need to vent but feel unable to speak to anyone I know due to fear of being judged or called selfish.
My partner’s daughter reached out to him last weekend. They hadn’t had contact for a number of years (mother is a piece of work, but that’s another story). They’ve been messaging non-stop since and met up a couple of times. That was all fine - I was happy for him. Genuinely.
Tuesday morning I went for a routine eye appointment which escalated rather quickly. Optician explained her concerns about my photos (some scan-type thing of the back of the eyes?). I’ve had awful headaches for over a year but doctor put it down to muscles in neck. Dashed out to get a phone to call the hospital who tell her that they want me down there ASAP. She’s quickly writing out this letter, I’m sat crying in the chair because all I heard was pressure + brain and came up with brain tumour. I leave the opticians, get in the car. I cry and cry. Call my partner - doesn’t really seem bothered. So I call my dad who drops work to meet me at the hospital. At the hospital I’m carted off for different scans and tests. No ones really told me what’s going on. I then go in to see the doctor who explains about this pressure and tells me that it could be this condition to do with the levels of fluid surrounding my brain (the most common cause), but that my symptoms also mirror that of a brain tumour and that that needs to be ruled out before we go any further. So I’m now awaiting an MRI next week followed by an appointment with a neurologist. Now is a good time to mention that I have severe anxiety. I had a particularly bad “episode” mid September and for the first time in my life I’ve decided to give talking therapy a try rather than just popping the pills I’m prescribed and hoping for the best. Naturally, following everything that happened Tuesday, I can’t help but think the worst and everything that comes with that. I’m a mother of 3 and my children are all I can think about. What their life would be like without me. The effect it would have on them. Thats the bit that I can’t handle.
Here’s the problem: my partner has barely said 2 words to me. He’s been so wrapped up in his daughter that it’s like me/our kids don’t exist anymore. His phone is glued to his hand every second of the day. He’s completely ignoring the kids and completely ignoring me. He hasn’t once asked if I’m ok or how I’m feeling about everything. I tried to talk to him about how that was making me feel and all I got was “well you’d tell me if you weren’t ok” to which I replied “would I?” and he said “I think so” and the conversation ended there. I have cried and cried and cried under the same roof and he hasn’t noticed. I’ve gone off to be alone when it’s got too much and he hasn’t noticed. I’ve cried myself to sleep the last 3 nights and he hasn’t noticed. He hasn’t touched me, nor offered a cuddle. He hasn’t even looked at me. Hasn’t said goodnight to me, or good morning. He stays up until the early hours texting and then he’s up before me and straight back to it. I think people will probably think that I’m exaggerating when I say constantly, but it really is constantly. He’s fulfilling his basic needs (normally with his phone in his hand (eating, toilet - phone in hand).
I can’t help but feel really angry and upset at him, but then I’m angry at myself for feeling that way because I know in his mind he’s probably trying to make up for lost time. I just feel like I’m completely on my own with this and have an overwhelming urge to just drive somewhere in my car and scream.
Thoughts?