Student nurse - anxiety and depression becoming bad again

[Gettingbadagain]

Have just been cleared by OH who asked me if I’d any reoccurrence of suicidal thoughts. I said no, but that’s a lie. Every single day the black cloud above my head gets heavier and heavier, I have no idea what to do. I’m a fucking terrible person and I don’t know what to do or how to get through it. I’m scared if I seek help they won’t let me go into practice.

They can't stop you going into practice based on a medical condition I don't think (as long as you're capable of the role) so please do see your GP and follow what they prescribe.

1 in 4 people suffer depression/anxiety or something, so if they booted people out of nursing based on that they'd lose a lot of people!

At most they might say you have to have some time off.

You are not a terrible person. Thats your illness talking. You are a smart, compassionate decent person, whos going to be an excellent nurse.

You're worried about not being allowed to practice. But you couldnt practice if your illness caused you to do something stupid to yourself, and you were dead. So please, speak to your doctor, or student welfare, or someone. Please.

Part of being a health care professional is acknowledging your own health status and taking action to improve your well-being which includes seeking help.

Not seeking help would be the thing that would stop you from being a nurse. Seeking help is positive and shows self-awareness.

Get help OP.

I have suffered from things this year that I've never had before. Panic attacks a few times. Feeling down. Feeling lonely. It's not consistent. But I don't get away for long before it's back. It got so bad at one point I wanted to sleep with a bloke I barely knew. Because I thought it would save me from the emptiness I felt. I thought a fling would spice my life up. Luckily it never even got started.

I go around in circles thinking how I wish I was 25 again when I just managed life. I was busy. I liked going out. I'm 32 now and I feel a shadow of what I was.

I don't know what to say really other than this year has tested the happiest of people. Give it time. I've opened up a new email account and I send myself emails with my thoughts in. I sometimes write in it once a day. Sometimes 3 times. If I wake up at 2am and feel sad or down I write it down. It helps me. Perhaps you could try it?

I understand how you feel. But you are amazing for being out living still. Don't let life Rob you. Keep pushing. I'm currently a stay at home mum and I think in some ways it's harder. Because I don't have any hobbies right now. I would love to learn something. But I don't drive. I don't have the childcare. My son would attack anything I was doing at home. He's two and trying to be creative or even read would be hard work lol.

Hang on in there.

Big hugs OP but being on placement needs to come second to your mental health. I think you need to be honest with OH as they are there to support you. Please don't feel you need to hide your illness as if you had a physical problem you wouldn't pretend it was ok if it wasn't.

Working in the NHS is stressful enough at the best of times but much worse right now so please get any support that is available.

Thank you all for being so kind when I’m being very self absorbed and mellow-dramatic. I know people have it so much worse, especially with job losses and isolation. I’m lucky that I live with my very lovely soon to be husband and our 2 year old DD. I lost a very close friendship recently because I stupidly decided to speak out against her ex and she just completely went off me and has cut me out. I struggle to fit in with people and I think I can come across as quite weird but I genuinely don’t mean to, I’m just so anxious and uncomfortable at basic interactions with people I don’t know. It’s so bad that I had to force myself to check the messages on here, how pathetic is that? My heart is literally racing.

I’m currently on 50mg of sertraline, was on 150mg for ppd and started to come down to 50mg a year ago as I was so groggy and trembly in the mornings. There’s no way I could possibly perform nursing duties with such shaky hands a lame attempt at humour there.

Even on 150mg I still felt anxious. Has any one got any experience of any other AD? I also struggle with panic attacks occasionally, struggle to sleep (sadly have no trouble eating!) and am just constantly on edge. My lovely partner is amazing but not a huge talker and I often find myself feeling worse after a chat with him because he comes across unsupportive (without meaning to!)

Sorry this is a bit of a rant. I know I need to speak to them. So scared, I hate talking on the phone as well. If I went to my GP is it likely to get back to them? Just as an alternative route.

Thank you all again, how lovely you are to take time out of your evening to respond to me x

You don’t sound as though you are in a good place at all @Chocdrop14 and you should certainly speak with your GP and tell them how you are feeling. What you say to your GP would not get shared with your university / employer without your consent.

What about your university support services or local NHS talking therapies service. You could self-refer and at least it would give you someone to talk to about how you are feeling in confidence?

So many people working in the NHS or doing their training experience anxiety and depression. You are not alone or some kind of ‘misfit’. However you owe it to yourself and your patients and colleagues to do something about it. Do you think you might have a social phobia as some of what you say sounds quite typical of this?

There are so many people available to support you at your university and workplace if you have one. Lots of people are suffering at the moment - you wouldn’t judge them so don’t be harsh on yourself.

What would you say to a patient who was feeling the way you do?

Say that to yourself!

Listen. If you go and seek help and be proactive in looking after yourself then that will only strengthen your attributes as a nurse. Fellow nurse here, and I understand how hard and draining being a student nurse is. So that on-top with ur pre-existing mental health I’m sure you are feeling so Lost. Your university should also offer mental health resources and counselling for their students... please reach out, maybe contact your link lecturer for advice on where to find these resources? and of course your GP.
As a student nurse you are already an empathic person and know the right things to say to ur patients but please treat urself like your own patient. Build yourself up, seek help. As I say it will only make a better nurse, and someone who others will find comfort in when they realise you have walked the path they may be walking when they become ur patient x

How far through your degree are you?

Fluoxetine has been brilliant for me OP.