I've been happily married for the last 5 years. Before meeting my husband, I had an intense relationship where I was in love with the person. He dumped me one day completely out of the blue. I eventually got over it and met my husband who is a thousand times better in every way.
During lockdown, this ex sent me a long, blethering email one night. Saying ''I still can't believe I did it'', in reference to ending our relationship. He did struggle with depression while we were together, I helped him with it and it did sort of feel at the time like he just freaked out and everything was too much and he couldn't cope with a relationship.
I almost didn't reply to the email, but I did. We exchanged pleasantries/news writing once a day for about 4 weeks. During this time he told me that he ''trusts me blindly'' and ''feels better that there are people like me in the world''. I basically told him ''that's nice, dear, but I don't trust you''. I then told him I didn't want to talk anymore, that I felt it was being disloyal to my husband, that there's no bloody point to any of it and I want to move on with my life. He said ''I'm not going to pretend I won't take this hard but there's nothing I can do''.
I wrote a list of pros and cons about this person. There were about 50 cons and no pros. I don't like his character, I don't fancy him anymore to the point where I wonder ''what was I ever thinking?''. I don't want him as a friend, the thought of never seeing him or talking to him ever again makes me feel freeeeee and good.
The problem is, I can't get all this shit about him out of my mind now. The obvious advice, and the advice I've given to myself is to keep busy and it will wear off. But it's actually getting worse as time goes on! I'm having dreams about it almost every night. Dreams that are combined with sex and me basically tell him to piss off and leave me alone. All talking to him again achieved was making me feel even more grateful for my husband.
I asked this ex in one of our last ever messages why he got back in touch. I said ''Is it just because of Covid that if you feel like we all die tomorrow you needed to apologize for the insanely cruel way you dumped me, or is it because the relationship meant more to you than I tend to think?''. He replied ''the latter''. This was five years ago, I'm surprised that he's still holding on too all this.
Please can anyone give me any advice on how to get past thinking about all this shit? I honestly don't want him back. I am prone to obsessive compulsive thinking and have been treated for anxiety and depression in the past so maybe that has something to do with it?