Having to go no contact with DM (heartbroken)

[lostforwords0]

My mother has always been toxic and suffers with borderline personality disorder (undiagnosed but she has all the traits).

I’m 40 weeks pregnant and yesterday after a heated argument (over nothing but it always escalates) she raised her firsts to like she was going to hit me. I can’t do it anymore! I realise that if you can do this when I’m heavily pregnant in what is supposed to be happy time she will do the same when the baby arrives and I can’t have my child around her and have my child damaged by her angry outbursts. I need to go no contact but I really feel heartbroken at the thought of it, I should be excited to meet my new baby but now I just feel low and depressed knowing I have to do this for my own sanity and my child. I know she loves me and she’s a good mother in some ways but I can’t let me baby grow up whitesesing her dysfunction and be damaged by her like I have.

Any advice?

I think you're making the right decision and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and have it ruin it what is a special and exciting time xx

I'm so sorry to hear that. I think you're definitely making the right decision, as hard as it is. Is there anyone you could talk to? A counsellor/therapist? It might be worth it if you can.

Loving mother doesn’t raise a fist to her child at any age.

So sorry OP, your mother is not a good person to be around.

Please put yourself and your baby first. Don’t bend to your mother demands.

Wishing you all the best 💐

I'm NC with mine and I'm the happiest I've ever been. It was very hard at first, I had to go through a bereavement of sorts.
You don't want someone harmful and toxic around your baby

You are making the right decision here. If she is too toxic or difficult for you to deal with, its the same deal for your child too. A loving and good mother would never raise their fists to their now adult child. Its not your fault either she is like this and you did not make her that way (her own family did that).

You do not mention your dad here; where is he?.

No-one thought it necessary to protect you when you were growing up and she never sought the necessary help. You need lot of space and time away from her in order to heal along with addressing all your fear, obligation and guilt. You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Choose a therapist with due care (BACP registered ones are supposed to be good) and find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. You will also need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

Consider too reading and or posting on the current "well we took you to Stately Home" thread on these pages.

You're doing the right thing. Some reading for you: "Understanding the borderline mother" by Christine Ann Lawson "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward

And I strongly recommend counselling/therapy if you're not already doing it. Quite a few counsellors are doing sessions by phone or video call.

Best of luck for the birth and your parenting journey. Enjoy your squishy newborn when they arrive.

Thank you for the replies.

I’ve actually read the books suggested but they haven’t really helped personally with setting any boundaries. It’s just upsetting it’s come to this so close to giving birth but I just can’t take the emotional outbursts any longer and I’m always the one who has to apologise.

I don’t tell my partner all of what she does, partly out of embarrassment and as he comes from a normal family he just doesn’t understand it. I’ve been putting therapy off thinking I can just deal with it myself through self help but I think this is something that’s needed now for me to be the best mum I can be.

"I’ve been putting therapy off thinking I can just deal with it myself through self help but I think this is something that’s needed now for me to be the best mum I can be."

Absolutely. Therapy is also incredibly helpful for setting boundaries and dealing with the fallout.

OP, it is often when pregnant, and about to become mothers ourselves, that we fully realise how abnormal and toxic our own abusive mothers are. We cannot imagine ever treating our own child like that.
This is a good time to break contact with your mother. Do it to protect your child as well as yourself.
I went nc 30 years ago, when expecting my first child, never saw my parents again and didn’t attend their funerals. I felt no regret at all, apart from the sadness at never knowing what it’s like to have a loving caring parent.
I second the advice to see a therapist or counsellor who understands toxic family relationships and who will support you in processing your childhood abuse, help you find the strength to assert your boundaries and make the break, and let you move on to a happier future without your toxic mother in it. Good luck.

OP Would you abandon DM if she had a broken leg/arm? Or if she was ill with anything from a cold to heart problems? Mental Health problems is a different kind of broken or ill health. I can understand you being worried about her raising a fist to you and that being heavily pregnant is not a time when you want any stress or distress. Why not try to get her some help from NHS?
PPs you are all quick to say NC the DM out of interest would you say the same if it was a daughter causing a mother distress and with threatening behaviour?

@WorrierorWarrior

OP Would you abandon DM if she had a broken leg/arm? Or if she was ill with anything from a cold to heart problems? Mental Health problems is a different kind of broken or ill health. I can understand you being worried about her raising a fist to you and that being heavily pregnant is not a time when you want any stress or distress. Why not try to get her some help from NHS? PPs you are all quick to say NC the DM out of interest would you say the same if it was a daughter causing a mother distress and with threatening behaviour?

No experience of this kind of behavior at all then?

Yes, I would cut an adult child out for this behavior. Makes no odds.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped but you can place boundaries. Turning your back until he apologies is one of them, it's well hard to stand up for yourself that first and second time (they always test a boundary when you put one in place) but in time, if they can they rein it in.

Now's the time, because your kid will learn things from a dysfunctional relationship. For a start, you need to tell your bloke. You'll feel relieved I'd guess.

@WorrierorWarrior

OP Would you abandon DM if she had a broken leg/arm? Or if she was ill with anything from a cold to heart problems? Mental Health problems is a different kind of broken or ill health. I can understand you being worried about her raising a fist to you and that being heavily pregnant is not a time when you want any stress or distress. Why not try to get her some help from NHS? PPs you are all quick to say NC the DM out of interest would you say the same if it was a daughter causing a mother distress and with threatening behaviour?

You are making the right call. My dad has mental health issues ( has done for years) we always helped him and tried to get him to seek medical help/ join social groups and he wouldn't. I went no contact two months before my daughter was born because I couldn't deal with the feeling I was walking in egg shells. I worried about him but my sister kept an eye on him. Do you have other family that can check in on her? If it's any consolation he started medication when my daughter was 4 months old and is now a lot better to be around. Cxxx

@WorrierorWarrior

OP Would you abandon DM if she had a broken leg/arm? Or if she was ill with anything from a cold to heart problems? Mental Health problems is a different kind of broken or ill health. I can understand you being worried about her raising a fist to you and that being heavily pregnant is not a time when you want any stress or distress. Why not try to get her some help from NHS? PPs you are all quick to say NC the DM out of interest would you say the same if it was a daughter causing a mother distress and with threatening behaviour?

Yes, I absolutely would. There are red lines that must not be crossed. My late husband had addiction and mental health problems. They caused him to be emotionally and psychologically abusive to all of us. When I had him removed from our house by the police, my DDs chose to go fully no contact. And I 100% supported them in that.

Mental illness is never an excuse for appalling behaviour and abuse. You clearly have no experience of any of this, otherwise you would not have posted as you have done.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP. I have some experience of BPD and know how difficult it can be.

I agree with a PP who said our parents behaviour become more apparent when we have our own children. I’d agree with this, having my first child marked the beginning of the end of the relationship with my mother. My life is now much more peaceful and settled. I feel sad about it at
times And envious of those who have good relationships with their parents, but I’m far happier now than I was before I cut contact. I hope this helps.

I’d also highly recommend therapy. There is likely some feelings you have not dealt with, which will also become more apparent as you raise your child and see the differences in your relationship with them, as opposed to your relationship with your mother. It can be difficult to deal with alone.

Would you abandon DM if she had a broken leg/arm? Or if she was ill with anything from a cold to heart problems? Mental Health problems is a different kind of broken or ill health.

From the tone of your post I'm wondering if you have experience of mental health issues and are asking for understanding and empathy. If so, I hope you find acceptance and love. (possibly extrapolating too far)

The thing is, someone with a broken leg or such is not a direct threat to your wellbeing in the way that someone with untreated BPD who thinks they are just fine is. At the extreme end, coping with the emotional instability and ballistic anger and total despair that can lead to suicide attempts s is unbearably stressful, and that's before you add in the possibility of manipulation and physical violence.

If someone is trying to do their best to cooperate with treatment for their illness, that's a different situation. Agreed that the OP coud suggest to her mum that she looks for help, though maybe she's already done that.

Either way, having a fear of physical violence is unliveable with, even more so when pregnant and so vulnerable!

It’s just upsetting it’s come to this so close to giving birth

Yes, it must be. But it's probably because you're so close to giving birth. Your priorities are changing, and she will be able to feel that, and will be ramping up her abusive behaviour.

You're making the right decision. You are choosing the healthiest option for your child who hasn't even been born yet, even though it puts you through the wringer emotionally. You are already a brilliant mum.

Would you abandon DM if she had a broken leg/arm? Or if she was ill with anything from a cold to heart problems? Mental Health problems is a different kind of broken or ill health

I think it's ok to abandon anyone who repeatedly abuses you and threatens you, whether they have a broken bone or not.

It seems that PP are wondering why I posted as I did.
I did not have parents with mental health problems but they were strict and expected best behaviour etc. One parent was physically disabled for years but mentally bright. Sometimes when in pain that parent could be difficult.
I do have experience of what I assume is some form of mental illness or perhaps the person is being abused and in turn causing a lot of problems with the pressure they are under. I don't have any proper information as this is an adult so I don't suppose I will never get any information. I do have information from when that person was a child and violence is recorded.
The reason I mentioned would PP go NC with ADC if they behaved in a bad, scary, violent or threatening way is that this is what I am experiencing at the moment and I am upset and torn between walking away, as I would if it was a husband/partner etc., or staying and enduring it all because this is my ADC and as a Mum I want the best for my DC no matter what age the DC might be. I wondered what opinions would be if I walked away.

I'm sorry to hear that WorrierorWarrior. My older son is ASD and has meltdowns, but it's not on that scale. It's heavy enough as it is though.

I assume that you've tried to access help for him/her and can't find it, or they won't cooperate?

Is the reason you're not walking away partly because of what other people think? Unfortunately I think that a lot of people would judge you yes :( Especially the ones who haven't walked in your shoes, which means .. a lot. Some people are sanctimonious judgemental sods too.

Phrasing might help when it comes up? I'm very low contact with my parents and I tend to say "it's difficult, but we have separate lives to my regret". It's not the same with a ADC though, but might something like that help? Or "he/she is making some bad decisions at the moment, we're there for them if they come for real help but at the moment being there is just making them worse?"

In the end it's a balance; you need to be able to lead your life reasonably well. But if your reasonably-competent adult child is making it a misery then you are entitled to step back, and if necessary step away.

WorrierorWarrior I attend a support group for relatives of people with addiction issues. Many of these people are ADC and it's a struggle.

But ultimately you need boundaries, you need to put your self care first, you need to let this adult take responsibility for your own choices. You detach, but you do it with love. You support without enabling. And you can't worry about what people think, because most people have not walked in your shoes and their opinion is not relevant.

I hope you will take some steps to find support with your struggles, you deserve it. Meanwhile, putting in boundaries and taking some small steps back will be beneficial to you.

@SeaEagleFeather I have wondered about ASD in my ADC but then I have also wondered about drink and drugs. I am aware that there is at least one person close to ADC who is very manipulative and maybe ADC is being manipulated but rebelling at me rather than that person. There is also a constant demand for money which I have stopped giving. Many people have told me to walk away and even strangers in shops and on streets have made comments. I think you phrase "we lead separate lives" is good. Thank you

@pointythings I would like to know more about this group that you attend so please could I have the website either openly here or by Private Message. I have no idea how to detach with love. I have tried to give support but it was too much for me. I got exhausted but then I go back there because there are young children involved and I was trying to stay with it all because I wanted to be able to see if things got bad for the young ones. It is clear that I have to comply with every demand or I do not get to see the DGC. To my view, making demands on an older person by using young children as the bait is not on. I know that there are child protection laws and I think there is some protection for older people but dont know too much about either. I dont think it is a right way to deal with family members. I hope I can read up on your organisation if you give me the website. Thank you

@WorrierorWarrior I have PM'd you.