Video games destroying relationship

[videogames]

I have been with my partner for a few years now and we were very happy, we have an 8-month-old and I'm pregnant again just for backstory. The problem I'm having is the video games at night time - he is such a good dad, honestly, he runs to her if she stirs and is always attentive but he is constantly playing video games during the evening. We only have one TV so I am sat on the laptop bored out of my mind and to make it worse he plugs in his headset so he talks to his friends from roughly 7 pm every night. He also calls his friends "hunny" and other pet names so we have at least 5 moments every night where I have to ask if he was speaking to me. The video games also tend to make him act like a bit of a jokester, for example I said I was going to bed a few nights ago and he said to me "oh fuck off then" and laughed with his friend. I left immediately and he came up the stairs and said I'm really sorry I just got absorbed into the banter with friends but I still felt really disrespected. During the day he is so lovely, he is so sweet and caring but it's like as soon as our daughter is asleep he is immediately on his play station and that's it for the night. I know he is happy but I feel like I'm losing my partner, we don't do things as a couple even if it's watching a movie or something. Does anyone have any experience of this and if you do how do you get your partner to understand/break the cycle of it? Thanks in advance

This is not ok. My partner plays video games for about half an hour every few days which doesn’t bother me at all. I find men who games for hours on end unattractive and a little childish. He needs to spend time with you as a couple. I’d have a chat and make it clear you’d like things to change

OP it's kind of strange to have another child so quickly with someone so disconnected from you and family life. You're basically by yourself here and pregnant again so now you have two babies to look forward to parenting by yourself while this fuckwit plays games all night and ignores you.

He's selfish, rude, completely disengaged and you're basically a single parent. If you run around after him cooking, cleaning and washing his clothes then I can only roll my eyes so far before it begins to hurt. From his perspective he has it made.

@username501 I appreciate the comment but I think you're wrong in a lot of ways. The pregnancy was unplanned definitely and we would have waited if given the option but I don't understand how I am a single parent? He literally runs to our daughter if she cries at night, he takes her out, he loves her to bits. It's the video games I have a problem with, not how he is as a parent. It's his hobby but I think it is excessive and that is my problem, I have every faith that he is a good parent.

@DiscombobulatedAf That is really the goal for me here. If he played that little I wouldn't mind him having a whole night every once in a while, it's just the constant gaming. Thanks for your suggestion, I will speak to him tonight about it.

Then what is it you are posting about OP? He's a fantastic father, great partner and generally all round good egg. Not sure I understand what the problem is and I, in turn, appreciate your response.

Have you asked him to stop doing it every night? It seems unfair since he is using the main tv. Maybe ask him to switch to every second night? Or three times a week?

Every night is too much and it would drive me mad! My DP plays for an hour or so a few times a week, once a week he video chats with his friend for a few hours an evening while I watch a a film. You both need to find a compromise, ask him if he can cut down to three nights a week, especially as you’re gonna be extra busy with the babies.

I dated a gamer for a while and I hated it, he would ignore me for hours and then when we chatted on the phone, he was playing games and distracted the whole time

@username501 I think you are taking from my post what you want out of it. He is a fantastic father, yes I am not disputing that. He is lovely to me apart from the odd occasion when gaming but it is the gaming that I want him to change. When he plays games it's like I'm not in the room anymore - I want us to have more time together as a couple. Nothing else he does bothers me and yes I cook and do his laundry because I want to and because he's providing for us. I'd imagine a lot of people cook and clean for someone to a certain extent but they still have time together as a couple. It's that bit that we are missing, the evenings together watching a movie or just chatting about any old subject.

@Morgan12 I have asked him but it was a little while ago and to his credit he stopped pretty much instantaneously and gamed for an afternoon or two a week. It's the lockdown and restrictions that have increased the gaming, I think because he is so down by it all he just wants to escape but he forgets I'm still in the house.

@Ginorwine30 This is exactly it. I do want a compromise but just don't know how to address it without it sounding like I'm a total nag. To be fair, the things I'm suggesting probably aren't as exciting to him as gaming but I want to do things as a couple like when we first dated. He will always put the babies first over his gaming but I want us to stay strong as a couple I guess rather than me despising him over it. The house is tiny too so can't just escape the gaming.

It's quite sad that he has no problem taking over the TV every evening for hours knowing that you're bored. Does he ever ask if you'd like to use it? When is there time to talk and enjoy each other's company if he is always gaming with the lads?

Apologies I missed your updates confirming that it is the lack of time spent together that is upsetting you. But do you think you would be comfortable spending hours taking up use of the TV knowing he was bored? I just don't think that's considerate at all. If the lockdown has caused him to form disrespectful habits I don't think you should worry about being a 'nag' and telling him that he needs to dedicate more time to you and allow the TV (and living space in general) to be shared and not just for him

Well you need to have another conversation with him if he responded positively the last time he should do so the same this time

The thing is he must know this behaviour is out of order it shouldn’t need you to tell him to give you some bloody courtesy and respect in your relationship

Great dad or not he sounds currently like he’s a shit partner And needs a kick up his arse how old is he? Does he work?

I had a similar issue with DH when DD was born. He didnt take over the tv but he did decide to build a (ridiculously) expensive gaming computer when she was very little and spend his evenings on it with his noise cancelling headphones. He was always into games, but it was more one night a week on the playstation, or sitting on his nitendo for a bit in the evenings. It started to take over, and I HATED it.

I had a serious sit down conversation with him. I explained about how I felt, and the worries I had for why he felt the need to ignore me every night, and how it couldnt be something long term as it would have a detrimental effect on both our relationship and eventually his time with his DD. I tried to stay as calm as possible. He eventually saw how I felt. Now, its more once or twice a week, and I sit with my crochet, and we have a nice balance ...... although I am due DD2 in 2 weeks and he has bought a PS5 ..... I wonder if its a man-not-wanting-to-grow-up sort of crisis that they go through when babies are born .....

Relationships are about compromise. We have to accept that our partners have this hobby, but that doesnt mean we have to accept it taking over our lives. He needs to give a bit, and you need to give a bit.

I know this is obvious but have you actually said to him how bored you are? Maybe he thinks you’re enjoying yourself on your laptop? Sometimes you have to really spell it out to people.

Video games aren’t ruining your relationship. They’re inanimate objects.

You need to talk to him and reach a compromise. Two/three evenings a week or no weekends or something.

@Bagelsandbrie

I know this is obvious but have you actually said to him how bored you are? Maybe he thinks you’re enjoying yourself on your laptop? Sometimes you have to really spell it out to people.

Funny enough, my DH took ages to realise that me watching him play playstation on the TV wasnt enjoyable for me. He still suggests, 5 years into living together, that I can watch him play on a Friday evening, to which i now respond with 'thats fine. As long as you watch me crochet for an hour after'. He then gets the point.

I know there is this girl on youtube that sort of narrates her boyfriend playing games. DH thinks their relationship is 'goals'. Ugh.

I agree. Spell it out for him. He may not realise how utterly boring and infuriating it is for you.

I'd put a screwdriver in the router.

The problem isn't the games. The problem is that he doesn't want to spend time with you as a husband, or isn't bothered either way. He's putting his gaming first by the sounds of it. I know exactly how you feel.

That 'fuck off then' comment wasn't banter. It was disrespect. He was talking to you as if he was a teenager and you were the annoying mother. For years my partner would get grumpy, huffy, irritable and disrespectful after playing multiplayer games - he's pushing the boundaries because he knows he can and because he knows there will be no true consequences for his actions. Banter or not, he wouldn't dare speak like that to someone he really respected, and you need to draw a line now before it develops further as it did with me.

I know how you feel too about having a tiny house. It's not nice to have someone constantly yelling and shouting over their headphones or to see more of the back of someone's head than their face.

It’s easy to get into a habit with online gaming. I found myself playing a lot before my DC were born and had to reign it in.

IMO you need to agree a night or two where he can play but then the console gets switched off for other nights whenever you’re both at home. There is nothing more boring than watching someone else playing video games; I don’t understand the attraction of the YouTube channels dedicated to it.