Too connected to his ex?

[Nomore45]

Hello all,
I've been on here for years, but name changed as some of the details of this post could be recognisable.

My fiancé broke up with his ex over four years ago. It was a relatively amicable split, involving no children. At the time, they had two beloved dogs, one of whom died shortly after they broke up. They continued to 'share custody' of the remaining dog and so would see each other quite regularly at handover, though less frequently since we moved in together about 18 months ago (as we moved about an hour away from his ex).

I am divorced and have a son with my ex and our relationship is friendly. My ex and I give each other gifts at Christmas and birthdays, but do so more for our son to show him that his parents have a cordial and caring relationship. I do not envisage this gift giving to continue after my son reaches adulthood.

However, my fiance and his ex continue to give each other gifts 'from the dog'. Am I being too sensitive about this? I think it's extending their emotional connection to each other and I don't feel comfortable about it.

They also continue to share a holiday home that my fiance contributes to financially but almost never uses, while she uses it all the time. If I suggest that he might want to sell his share to her, he gets quite emotional and says 'he loves the place'. I suspect (again) that it's an emotional connection to a place they used to share.

Should I be happy that my fiance has a friendly relationship with his ex or is this overly friendly and something I should be concerned about?

There's a difference between friendly coparenting with an ex, which is what you're doing and not letting a past relationship go.

There only reason for them to share property or give each other presents is because they want to remain connected. He's remaining tied to her because he wants to keep the possibility of them getting back together.

Personally, I wouldn't take the relationship any further unless he was prepared to cut ties and leave his ex in the past. I wouldn't be anybody's placeholder. It's a waste of time.

What you choose to do is up to you. You are entitled to have standards and boundaries. A man who's solely committed to you is a reasonable expectation .

I never have understood why you have to be friends with an ex. I just don’t get it. You have a child with yours so have to remain cordial ( I wouldn’t be buying gifts btw)
But just delete and block it’s done.

Yes I agree, I think it's too much, it's a dog not a child and they are behaving like it is a child. Although I understand people get attached to pets, they don't need to be frequent visits or gift giving! The holiday home he should really let go of, I can why you don't like this, it's not like you would want to go with him there knowing it's his and the ex's place, you need to create your own memories and discover new places together.

@ReneeRol

There's a difference between friendly coparenting with an ex, which is what you're doing and not letting a past relationship go.

There only reason for them to share property or give each other presents is because they want to remain connected. He's remaining tied to her because he wants to keep the possibility of them getting back together.

Personally, I wouldn't take the relationship any further unless he was prepared to cut ties and leave his ex in the past. I wouldn't be anybody's placeholder. It's a waste of time.

What you choose to do is up to you. You are entitled to have standards and boundaries. A man who's solely committed to you is a reasonable expectation .

He says he feels sad for her because she has no family (her parents both died, she doesn't speak to her only sister) and no real friends. She often spends birthdays and Christmases alone. My life is full of people and happiness at these times so it is hard to think of someone being so alone. I feel bad for her, but she's so present in our relationship still - after all this time.

@seensome

Yes I agree, I think it's too much, it's a dog not a child and they are behaving like it is a child. Although I understand people get attached to pets, they don't need to be frequent visits or gift giving! The holiday home he should really let go of, I can why you don't like this, it's not like you would want to go with him there knowing it's his and the ex's place, you need to create your own memories and discover new places together.

Yes, absolutely. I have tried going there with him and it's really uncomfortable with her stuff everywhere and bits of their shared history around the place. It's why we hardly ever use it, so I can't understand why he won't let it go.

I don't see a problem with it. Their relationship ran its course and I doubt very much that they fancy each other. They are on good terms and they share a dog so don't see a problem with a little gift at Xmas.
If I thought they fancied each other I would be worried but from what you've said I think it's innocent. Sometimes people are just better as friends.

I wouldn't like it either but you do run the risk of being a tad hypocritical - there will no doubt be a lot of sacrifices and compromises expected of him due to your kids and commitment to coparenting. I could easily see him resenting that if he has had to make changes. It's a tricky situation.

@Hesfamousforit

I don't see a problem with it. Their relationship ran its course and I doubt very much that they fancy each other. They are on good terms and they share a dog so don't see a problem with a little gift at Xmas. If I thought they fancied each other I would be worried but from what you've said I think it's innocent. Sometimes people are just better as friends.

Thanks - I do appreciate a different view point. They were together for 20 years before they broke up and I suppose I am a little insecure that they have so much shared history while we are still (relatively) new.

@aSofaNearYou

I wouldn't like it either but you do run the risk of being a tad hypocritical - there will no doubt be a lot of sacrifices and compromises expected of him due to your kids and commitment to coparenting. I could easily see him resenting that if he has had to make changes. It's a tricky situation.

He's exceptionally accommodating when it comes to my son and coparenting with my ex, which is why I do feel like I should be 'cooler' about the relationship he has with his ex. I just wish I was more laid back about it rather than worrying if the boundaries between them are too leaky!

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to stay friends with an ex, especially if it was an amicable break up. Some people are just better as friends and don't want to lose that, which makes sense. Life is too short to cut off people you like if you don't have to.

I understand sharing a dog. While a dog isn't a DC you can love your pets deeply. I even understand the present giving if she's all alone, though that and the holiday house make me think he feels responsible for her emotional wellbeing which is off. But I could cope with the presents. Him still owning property with her would be a no re marriage and tying myself legally to him, too messy. He needs to either seek a payout for his equity and to come off the title or they sell if she can't afford to pay him out.

@AlreadyGone44

I understand sharing a dog. While a dog isn't a DC you can love your pets deeply. I even understand the present giving if she's all alone, though that and the holiday house make me think he feels responsible for her emotional wellbeing which is off. But I could cope with the presents. Him still owning property with her would be a no re marriage and tying myself legally to him, too messy. He needs to either seek a payout for his equity and to come off the title or they sell if she can't afford to pay him out.

Thanks AlreadyGone44:

Your comment was right on the money and how I ended up approaching it with him. He agreed that he needs to let the holiday home go and he is going to broach the subject of her buying him out. This feels like a good compromise to me.

Thanks to everyone who commented!