how do I keep my emotions in check?

[fatherliamdeliverance]

Hi All,

After a long time of dating I have met an interesting and attractive man. We have been on 5 dates and he asked me to 'go out' with him.

Now, I do want to give things a chance. However, He has been pushy sexually. I said I didn't want to have sex straight away after a prior date where the man was extremely handsy which triggered some bad memories.

This guy stopped short of sex but kept pushing until I let him do other things. The morning after our last date i was covered in bruises, and really hadn't set out for any sort of BDSM or rough thing, I was happy just to kiss and hug and maybe go further, i didn't want to engage in having to physically fight him off, which he found exciting and saw as a game.

My boundaries are shit following being raped several times and consequently reacting both promiscuously and feeling very suspicious of men's motives.

It's an odd position. on one hand, he has so many of my 'ideal' attributes and I haven't felt any spark in so long. On the other hand his pushing really put me off. I don't want someone who wears away at my boundaries. Last year, a man I really liked did a similar thing and actually forced himself on me.

However, I can feel myself starting to become engaged by him. I don't want to be hurt. Any advice on how to see how this goes whilst remaining emotionally detached?

sorry, should probably have put a TW on this but don't know how to edit.

Oh love, I think you know you have to break it off with him. Whilst he stopped short of sex, you say he pressured you into other things - you know that's wrong and not ok. The fact he left bruised to me is unforgivable. My husband and I are into a bit of BDSM or rough and tumble, but he's never ever left a Mark on me - and I bruise so easily - how rough was he with you.

I'm sure he has plenty of lovely qualities but the pressuring is the biggest red flag ever. Please please consider ending it with him.

Get rid of this disgusting “man” asap and please do more work on your boundaries before dating again. He is not a nice person and will only do you and others harm

It's not normal to assault women and leave bruises on them in the pursuit of sex. This man is disgusting and you shouldn't be anywhere near him.

Bruises?? Bin him pronto.

Sorry, OP, it's so soul destroying when you find someone you like and they completely disregard what you're saying and disrespect your boundaries. And so stupid too, because it's counterproductive. Ironically, nothing makes me want to shag a man faster than hearing him say: "I hear you, I like your company and I'm happy to wait as long as you want".

His behaviour isn’t normal and certainly isn’t acceptable. He should be charming you, interested in getting to know you, showing his best attributes at this early stage...not hassling you for sex and leaving you bruised and confused.

Bin him off pronto!

You really need very good counselling before you date anyone, especially him.

Your emotions are correct. What he did was assault you. Please don't see him again.

I love that without reading the other posts I’ve just seen the pp said ‘bin pronto’ too 😆

OP, take note!

Run don’t look back - he isn’t listening to you at all and sounds like a manipulative, violent person - leaving you with bruises is not right at all!!

Please don’t keep dating, you sound very buneranle and I don’t care how many good qualities he is displaying, if he can’t listen to no and he is hurting you after 5 dates then it isn’t going to improve from here! Ditch him

Vulnerable (ffs autocorrect)

BDSM is discussed and consented to by both parties beforehand, has safe words etc. What this guy did was assault. I’m so so sorry.

You need therapy to help you process the damaging experiences you've had of being raped so that you can establish boundaries for yourself and not be vulnerable. It speaks volumes that you think you need to adapt to accommodate being sexually assaulted, when you should be telling this horrible 'man' to fuck off out of your life.

Thank you so much everyone for listening to me and I think affirming what my gut is saying, that it isn't, I don't know, frigid or prudish to want to hold off a bit for sex (not forever, just maybe a few more dates) and that this man should have listened and waited if he liked me. It just seems to be something that has happened so many times that I assume I am at fault (sort of conflating all the sketchy sexual stuff I have experienced here, obv other times have been a lot worse).

Thank you all. I am slightly in tears reading this. Youre all right. I don't think I want to see him anymore at all.

I Will let him know politely but I think I will tell him the real reason without being too accusatory (there is a chance we might cross paths professionally, he teaches a course i want to do in the next year or so).

How old is he?

OP, you don’t need to give him a reason. Politely say you’ve had a think and you don’t want to continue dating. If he pesters you, block
I’m glad you realise his behaviour isn’t acceptable. Agree with PP, I think you need to seek therapy, have some time on your own. Always trust your gut to you

OK, firstly don't let the BDSM label cover up abuse. It's not. If you sya no, it means no.

Also you do not need to be intimate with a man just becuase that's what he wants. If he's so selfish as to push you into doing something you don't want to do, he's not the man you want to spend time with. A true man will enjoy the simplicity of dates without having sex or being intimate. Once that line has been crossed, it's never got back, so enjoy just holding hands or kissing or hugging. When you feel ready, and he feels ready, it's so much more enjoyable.
A relationship is a partnership, ie a shared equality. If he's trying to reduce that equality already, it's not looking great for a future.

Put it this way, I probably have some common interests to Donald trump.....hes still an arsehole

A lucky escape op. This would have only gotten worse. This man clearly has some sexual deviancy which would undoubtedly cause you issues in the future and could lead to infidelity. The nicest people can have dark sides but luckily you're not fooled. You've called it out nice & early. Well done. Be proud of yourself. He has a bad attitude to women.

Somethingkindaooo he is 35

Thanks Manxiety yes I think this is what my gut feeling is. if he is so fixated on sex rather than getting to know me, then he would be as happy doing it with anyone ergo would probably cheat at some point.

Sexually pushy (coercive).
Leaving bruises on you?

FUCK NO.

It's very disappointing but I wouldn't have any contact with him again. He actually deserves to be prosecuted for behaviour like that but in the circumstances it's probably unfeasible.

And yes his motivation seems to be almost entirely sexual, so he's a really poor relationship prospect too.

Dear OP - agree with PP - end it and try to have some counselling before you date any more.

Sexual coercion is vile. Your boundaries have been badly damaged by your past experiences. In one of your posts, you suggest that you don’t want to be seen as frigid by waiting a few dates before you have sex. That is a really concerning statement. There is nothing frigid about wanting to see how a relationship unfolds before having sex. It shows self-respect and self-esteem to say you’re not going to have sex before you’re ready. If a man doesn’t respect your sexual boundaries, then he’s not a good man. Get this guy gone.

OP can you contact Rape Crisis? I understand that he hasn't raped you but it would be to discuss the other assaults and look for some counselling for you. Other organisations to try would be Survivor's Trust who have a great helpline if you need to talk.

Dump him.

OP this is really chilling. Please be careful and don't spend time alone with him.

Thank you all. I think Rape Crisis might be a good idea as I could do with some help getting all of this straight (not so much this guy but previous experiences). It really makes trying to meet someone new quite hard