Friends with benefits advice

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Ok. I met a guy on a dating site. We spoke for a while with no saucy pics or innuendos etc. Just normal respectful conversation.

We both agreed we wasn't ready to jump into a relationship as we were both not long out of one.

For 4 weeks now we have been friends with benefits. I see him once or twice a week. I have spent a whole day and night with him. We've cooked. Gone on walks with his dog. Shopped together.

He started asking questions about my son and family, just normal ones. What they do etc. And we message every day all day.
Although that's more my doing.

He's gone a bit cold over the messages. Rather than the flirty banter etc he's being really respectful and polite. I don't know where this has come from.
I was supposed to go up there tomorrow night and he's said he's busy with work. Which is cool. But I get the feeling he's distancing himself.

Anyone had any similar experience or can advise or comment please

Doesn’t sound like FWB to me
More like dating and now he’s gone cold
What Do you want ?

Would you really expect to keep that level of intensity, when it's supposedly FWB? I'd expect a far looser, less contact kind of arrangement, where you'd be seeing each other every so often and not chatting as much, and chatting/dating other people.

It sounds more like you were dating.

Either he has gone off things or he has realised he was too full on and is now backing up a bit.

Step back a bit and see what happens.

The thing is with a fwb thing, it's best to keep it very casual early on, whilst you get to know eachother. He was stepping over boundaries and you didn't check him with that.

Guys often have a tendency to bums rush into things because they like the idea of a person, not the actual person.

Its also common, especially with feb typesthat the actually want you to really like them. Even though they dont want anything serious. So they will ACT really into you. Hoping you might think 'oh well maybe he wants something more...maybe I can consider that'. And if you start to really like them then that us their ego stroked and they lose interest in you. And if you dont...well, they dont like that either.

Fwb can be difficult to navigate.
I suppose you could straight up ask him what's what. But backing off a but might be better tbh.

@millymollymoomoo

Doesn’t sound like FWB to me More like dating and now he’s gone cold What Do you want ?

I don't know what I want. He's lovely don't get me wrong and the time we do spend together is chilled. But I'm still getting to know him. I've been shit on so many times by men. I have my guard up

I had a recent thread up about my FWB and any advice I can give is dont get attached!! If he's backing off a bit, then you do the same, not always easy I know! I can see how easy it would be to fall for the guy if hes acting more like a boyfriend. The problem arises if he meets someone else and then he will say that you were always only FWB, which is true, by then you might be attached and get hurt. This is loosely my story and I regret getting involved with him.

I always think the term FWB is misleading; my partner is my best friend and it's very beneficial haha, but we're not 'FWB'. F-buddies is a better term; not friendship, as friendship implies a meaningful relationship.

That said, it sounds like you were semi-dating. He's gone a bit cool as either he's lost interest, met someone else, or rekindled with another.

Generally speaking: if men are interested, they'll act interested. If they're not, they won't. The end.

If you can't be arsed, that's fine. But I suspect you are, or you wouldn't have posed this question.

Let me guess, he is the one that has sold you on the FWB idea? You went along with it as you thought he had a plausible argument. Then it turns out he's just messing with you as FWB's shouldn't spend the night, see each other more than once a week or stick around to cook and eat and generally do couple type things - no wonder you are confused. Basically, he's lost the argument, he's not after FWB, he wants short term dating with various people - hope you used condoms.

You’re not FWB you’ve been dating him for 4 weeks and he’s gone cold. Perhaps the fact you thought this, he may have thought it was something different hence you are where you are now?

You sound a bit thirsty tbh. He's not interested. Any interest he might have had has evaporated. I would advise not getting as involved physically and investing so much time in men from OLD so soon if you're unhappy with how this has gone.

. I've been shit on so many times by men. I have my guard up
I wouldn't call seeing him twice a week, having sex with him so soon and texting all hours of the day having your guard up. Just saying that you don't want a relationship does not mean you're protecting yourself. Your words are meaningless if not backed up by the boundaries you set and your behaviour.

I have 3 FWB we don’t discuss our private lives in any great detail and we don’t text each other than to arrange sex. It works perfect well. It’s important not to get Attached. I can imagine that’s when it gets tricky.

As someone also actively dating I think there’s so much scope for misunderstanding and manipulation and little power games in “casual”

Even though it should be possible in libertarian 2020 (and I’m glad it works for some) it seems sexism and slut-shaming is still present in a lot of men.

I agree with a pp in that deep down a lot of men want an “ego boost” of feeling they’re in control of the situation/the woman secretly wants a relationship with them even if she doesn’t.

Or because the sexist stereotype is women are desperate for a relationship, there’s a power imbalance where they can just have her “on-call” for sex and she’ll give consent whenever because she’s so desperate

Or the Madonna/whore thing kicks in and as she’s “up for it” she doesn’t deserve manners and respect and kindness in communication as you would a friend or polite acquaintance.

This approach might not suit everyone, but I read somewhere that if a woman feels vulnerable but wants respectful casual sex to just “date normally as if you’re moving to relationship without putting labels on things”

Realistically if you’re online dating and meeting lots of people you’ll have a lot of encounters that fizzle out naturally after a month or a few dates. So you’ll have sex on the way.

You don't have your guard up.
You sound desperate

FWB to me is when you're really good mates with someone, but neither of you want a relationship with each other despite being attracted to each other, but you're both single so you may end up in bed occasionally. This doesn't affect your friendship.

People seemed to get this mixed up with a fuck buddy who is someone who you're not already mates with who just wants to hang out and have no strings sex.

But if a fella just wants a fuck buddy he's not going to say that is he, no he says he wants FWB because it makes him sound less of an arsehole

@Bunkbedpeople Has it spot on. 'FWB' can mean being used as a bouncy castle while they look around for a proper girlfriend, or that you're one of several on his list of people he's shagging.

I also don't think men have changed much and a lot of them will still form an idea of your character (and worth?) based on how quickly you give them a shag. They even don't really see women who are just sources of sex for them as being people maybe, despite what they might say/pretend.

@usernamewastaken makes a good point, that her partner truly is her friend, her best friend.

My answer to the man problem is I hope to be lesbian from now on, but that's another topic perhaps.

Definitely think of it as Fuck Buddies as opposed to FWB. You have friends to go dog walking etc with, it’s the sex part of your life you need him for. Stick to communicating about meet ups for sex only and only meet up to have sex. Anything else blurs the boundaries and can feel too relationshipy which can be confusing. He’s realised this and is trying to pull it back to sex only. If you are starting to have feelings for him, you need to end it. I care about my FWBs but I wouldn’t want to date them or be in a relationship with them.