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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have I fallen for a friend?

13 replies

cwzewz · 15/10/2020 20:42

I've been friends with a girl, as part of a wider friendship group, for many years. I've always adored her as a friend, but - not for the first time - I'm finding myself having feelings towards her that are much stronger than friendship. I've been spending more time with her recently, including regular afternoons where it's just the two of us, and I genuinely can't stop thinking about her - the new lockdown rules make it harder to see her I would think, and that thought makes me so sad.

The only issue is, I don't know if my feelings can be put down to other factors, too - I've been at a fairly low ebb recently, what with, you know, the state of the world, and my own employment situation. Further, she's more or less the only female friend that I see on a regular basis, so sometimes I wonder whether my feelings are part projection on my part, too - do I want her, or someone like her?

It's got to the point, though, where I'm properly acting like a lovesick teen. Random example - she'd mentioned she was going to the hairdressers for a cut and colour. Next time I saw her, I complimented her on her hair (I wasn't actually that convinced it looked much different to normal, but I thought she was going to the salon in the days before we met). She said that she hadn't actually been yet! Days later, and I realise it's probably really insignificant to her, but I keep thinking about it in embarrassment: I guess in some ways it could be seen as a compliment, as her hair does always looks nice to me, but it could also be seen as a bit of an insult, too - that I thought that's what her hair looked like after she'd had it done. Plus, it looks like I was just paying the compliment as I felt it was the right thing to do, not because I genuinely meant it or noticed the difference in her hair. Am I right to be embarrassed? I feel that when I next see her, complimenting her hair would now be awkward, even if I was being totally genuine. Would it be the sort of thing she wouldn't even have thought about five minutes later, or is my embarrassment justified?
Bit sidetracked there - but it shows how all-encompassing my thoughts are about her right now. Any advice on what I should do? I suspect she doesn't see me in any kind of romantic way (there are certain reasons I think that, plus my natural pessimism I guess), so it would be best not to say anything I guess? But, equally, not saying anything is also painful. Spending time with her is really bittersweet - I love that time, and it's always purely as a friend (and I don't have other thoughts while I'm with her), but after the event, my mind always wanders and I think about what more it could be (even if, deep down, I don't think it's realistic).

All advice and personal experiences welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
cwzewz · 15/10/2020 23:08

Bump

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 16/10/2020 00:06

Are you male or female?

Titsinknicks · 16/10/2020 00:41

Well you certainly have a crush. Are you a woman too? Is she gay? There kind of important.

And you need to stop worrying about worrying - 'am I right to feel embarrassed?' etc. I can understand why you feel like that but you're giving it way too much headspace; I bet she hasn't even thought about it since

StarlightLady · 16/10/2020 05:22

OP, it has been said alreadyvon here. Are you male or female?

The sexuality thing is slightly different. Others will disagree but I’m of a view that sexuality can be fluid.

cwzewz · 16/10/2020 11:41

Should have mentioned, yes - I'm male.

It feels really high school the way I'm feeling, and it's very out of character for me.

OP posts:
JurassicParkaha · 16/10/2020 15:02

What are the reasons you think she won't reciprocate? Because surely telling her is better than having it be so all consuming - and it will definitely impact on future relationships too.

user1481840227 · 16/10/2020 15:40

Ok you're male so that makes it less confusing. Yes it sounds like you've fallen for your friend...but with the way the world is at the moment that could play a part in heightened emotions towards people as we can't get out and about as much!

As for what you said about her hair and the fact you keep dwelling on it, that sounds a bit like social anxiety, it's definitely not a big deal at all and you've nothing to feel embarrassed about!

MikeUniformMike · 16/10/2020 20:32

Are you both single?

Iheardarumour · 16/10/2020 20:45

Agree with @user1481840227. I have social anxiety and at its worst I dwell a lot on what my friends say to me. I always beat myself up for not doing or saying something, or criticising myself for looking inadequate or silly. It might be worth exploring.

As for your friend...just tell her you like her...a lot...and see how it goes.

Dozer · 16/10/2020 20:48

If she’s single, tell her you’re interested!

FutureMama94 · 16/10/2020 21:07

It's nice to see this. So cute ! I (F) actually fell in love with my BF (M) after he confessed his attraction to me. I would reccomend that you make sure it's what you want thought because if you're dealing with a lot of things now , you might lead your friend into a relationship that she's fully invested in and you later realised you're not so interested anymore. That happened with me and my BF. He just felt like I was there when he needed me and when he felt better, the relationship was too much for him but I was invested. Was really innocent he wasnt trying to use me. After a break we've started dating again and now on great terms

MikeUniformMike · 16/10/2020 21:08

I had a male friend, just a friend, and one day it was like a lightbulb came on and he had a crush on me.
He started commenting on my appearance and it was excruciating as I really didn't fancy him.

If you are both single, ask her if she thinks you could be more than friends, if she says No then she's not interested, or hadn't considered it.

I'd say it is probably her paying you attention that is inadvertently causing you to have a crush on her.

I'm not blaming anyone, but don't lose a friend over it.

cwzewz · 18/10/2020 13:23

The social anxiety bit definitely rings true - I'm sure there's plenty of that going on, heightened by the circumstances we all find ourselves in currently.

I guess there's a chance I may have said things that may have come across like something a friend might not say (I don't think so, but can't be sure). Perhaps I'm texting her slightly too often, too (don't get the wrong idea, it's not that much at all in the grand scheme of things).

It's hard to read, too, as she naturally is not someone who would ever text first (not just me - she's like that with everyone), so I do sometimes feel almost needy as I'm always the one instigating conversations - I feel if I didn't, we'd go long periods with no contact.

One half of me would love to tell her how I feel, but - and it's not easy to explain why - as I alluded to, I feel almost certain that she would have no interest in me like that, which makes it rather painful.

Appreciate all the comments, and realise there isn't really a right or wrong answer. It's almost just kinda cathartic to write some of this stuff down.

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