I am in a relationship lacking in a few areas. But ultimately it's safe and we are a good team in lots of ways. I can't destroy him to justify my feelings. We have lost our sex life and are on different pages with things abit now we are older than when we first met ten years ago. Overall I'm bored. Partly because of the limitations on life. Partly because we don't want to go out much with masks being needed everywhere. Plus it's not ideal to be mixing too much at the moment. So we are being sensible and staying home or doing outdoor things.
Out of nowhere two months ago I got feelings for someone else. He was helping someone move house and stuff for the last and so we've bumped into eachother alot whilst he has been building furniture and emptying the van etc etc. I think he's a friend of the people he's helping. Anyway. It started with just a hello are you ok. Then us both stopping for little chats. Then he started with banter and flirty stuff. Nothing too strong. But loads of eye contact and smiling. Last week we locked eyes for ages and it felt like we were stuck in some sort of moment. I walked away and got back to my front door and he was beaming at me when I turned around.
I saw him Monday just to say hello because I was busy. Then today I think he's gone. I think he's finished.
I know all the obvious things. It would be a disaster. I wouldn't be up for cheating. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. I wouldn't want to hurt my family. But despite all this I feel how I feel and I don't know what to do.
I've tried so many things to keep busy. But it's like he's stuck in my mind all day and night. I don't feel in the game anymore. I am never quite concentrating on the Tele or whatever. I just feel like I want to be alone quite alot to think. To process how I'm feeling and get my head sorted. I know it's not a reality. Although if he had given a way of contact I fear I would want to get to know him. Which is bad behaviour and I know all that.
I feel just genuinely sad. Ive had a cry today. I think It helped to get it out. I know it sounds pathetic but im really going to miss our little chats. He brightens up my day. He's got the type of humour I like. He's got a lovely smile. Hes brought me out of lockdown misery. He really has. I can't explain it. But he felt like a breath of fresh air when lockdown had got too much.
It should be my boyfriend making me smile. But it has been him.
I have done baking. Been on big walks. Read books. Watched a new Netflix series. Taken my son out on his scooter. Rang friends. Burned candles and tried to enjoy a quiet bath. Done school runs. Blitzed the house. But I'm still sad.
I considered asking the new people his last name or something to see if there's a way we could connect as friends. But that's dangerous territory and I know that.
I've never been in such a conflict before. One minute I'm fine the next I feel in emotional pain.
Please don't comment if you are going to laugh at my expense. I hate this.