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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've broke my own heart

6 replies

Jelllytotss · 15/10/2020 17:41

I am in a relationship lacking in a few areas. But ultimately it's safe and we are a good team in lots of ways. I can't destroy him to justify my feelings. We have lost our sex life and are on different pages with things abit now we are older than when we first met ten years ago. Overall I'm bored. Partly because of the limitations on life. Partly because we don't want to go out much with masks being needed everywhere. Plus it's not ideal to be mixing too much at the moment. So we are being sensible and staying home or doing outdoor things.

Out of nowhere two months ago I got feelings for someone else. He was helping someone move house and stuff for the last and so we've bumped into eachother alot whilst he has been building furniture and emptying the van etc etc. I think he's a friend of the people he's helping. Anyway. It started with just a hello are you ok. Then us both stopping for little chats. Then he started with banter and flirty stuff. Nothing too strong. But loads of eye contact and smiling. Last week we locked eyes for ages and it felt like we were stuck in some sort of moment. I walked away and got back to my front door and he was beaming at me when I turned around.

I saw him Monday just to say hello because I was busy. Then today I think he's gone. I think he's finished.

I know all the obvious things. It would be a disaster. I wouldn't be up for cheating. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. I wouldn't want to hurt my family. But despite all this I feel how I feel and I don't know what to do.

I've tried so many things to keep busy. But it's like he's stuck in my mind all day and night. I don't feel in the game anymore. I am never quite concentrating on the Tele or whatever. I just feel like I want to be alone quite alot to think. To process how I'm feeling and get my head sorted. I know it's not a reality. Although if he had given a way of contact I fear I would want to get to know him. Which is bad behaviour and I know all that.

I feel just genuinely sad. Ive had a cry today. I think It helped to get it out. I know it sounds pathetic but im really going to miss our little chats. He brightens up my day. He's got the type of humour I like. He's got a lovely smile. Hes brought me out of lockdown misery. He really has. I can't explain it. But he felt like a breath of fresh air when lockdown had got too much.

It should be my boyfriend making me smile. But it has been him.

I have done baking. Been on big walks. Read books. Watched a new Netflix series. Taken my son out on his scooter. Rang friends. Burned candles and tried to enjoy a quiet bath. Done school runs. Blitzed the house. But I'm still sad.

I considered asking the new people his last name or something to see if there's a way we could connect as friends. But that's dangerous territory and I know that.

I've never been in such a conflict before. One minute I'm fine the next I feel in emotional pain.

Please don't comment if you are going to laugh at my expense. I hate this.

OP posts:
Daisyflower12345 · 15/10/2020 17:49

@Jelllytotss Hi Op!

I have seen many people I know go down this road and let me tell you it's not all smiles and roses. At the moment it might feel like he makes you smile etc but it's always like that at the start.

The grass is not greener on the other side, it never is. How's your relationship with your boyfriend ?

I have seen so many people have affairs and get with someone because they felt so amazing an great at the start with a new person but it always ends up in heartbreak. Cheating is never the answer. Obviously if things aren't great with your partner and you don't want to be with him that the first thing you need to do is see if you'd like to fix things, if not then just leave.

If you find this guys details you will most defiantly start talking and that will lead to other things.

Windmillwhirl · 15/10/2020 17:50

I think you need to leave the new guy out of it. You are in a relationship with no intimacy and are bored. Do you want to remain with your bf? You say your relationship is lacking in a few areas, but these are fundamental issues.

The flirty guy... Hes just a symptom of your failing relationship and could have been any guy that showed you some interest and possible excitement, no?

cravingthelook · 15/10/2020 17:54

I agree with others, this was a sign to you that you need to talk about fixing your relationship or leave. It's good it's ended how it has, its purpose I believe was to shine a spotlight so you cannot keep ignoring what you know you need to fix.

widespreadpanic · 15/10/2020 19:00

Whenever I’m in a relationship and someone catches my eye and makes me feel “alive” I realize what it really means is that something is missing/wrong in my relationship.

So try working on your relationship first to see if you can recapture that feeling with your bf. Maybe you can, if not you have to make the decision to live with it or leave.

anotherdisaster · 15/10/2020 19:14

I also agree. This man has only shown you what is lacking in your current relationship. Its not fair on you but also not fair on your boyfriend to continue if you feel like this. He deserves to have someone who is 'all in' and you deserve to be happy.

category12 · 15/10/2020 20:01

You're being daft to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy because you'll hurt your current partner.

You'll hurt him far worse by ending up cheating.

Grow a pair and end the unhappy relationship. You won't "destroy" him - people get over break-ups - he's no different.

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