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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When is enough, enough?

11 replies

HornbeamLane · 15/10/2020 16:18

My partner is killing me at the moment. I can't do anything right. For example, we're moving and he's got a wad of papers, 90% of which are going in the bin. I have my phone in one hand, baby in the other, nowhere to sit to take the call so I say as I'm about to sit on the papers on the sofa "have you sorted these papers, because I'm going to sit on them" as they're lying in the only place I can sit. DH goes mad, and says it's disrespectful. I apologise, later I check he's okay and blow him a kiss. I try to explain I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but that there was nowhere to sit and I had the baby.

This falls into a mammoth argument. He goes on to say I've gone to sit on them intentionally and that I did it to disrespect him because he hadn't sorted out his papers yet. All of which is untrue. He goes on to say that "you'll pay for this" and gives analogies of if he sat on my late fathers picture and broke it. Stupid examples that aren't even similar to the situation at hand.

The argument blows up as we're completing on a house tomorrow and I say to him "what are we even bothering for". We end up swearing at each other and I take the baby out to get away from him and subjecting her to more poor behaviour on both our parts.

This type of argument is constant. He is consistently picking me apart with nonsense like this and belittling me. For example he recently disclosed to his friends, when asked, at a lads dinner that we've not had sex since the baby was born. He didn't tell them bu avoided the question as which point they knew. He comes back home and tells me about his night and afterwards asks whether I think we're right together. This winds me up because it's a single girl with a young child asked about the second thing and inadvertently disclosed it to everyone where they then seemingly ended up all having a conversation about our relationship. Yet DH goes mental if I speak to anyone about him.

We're moving tomorrow and I've spent the whole week packing, alone, with a 3 month old baby. We're in a small flat and I explain I need to put boxes in the lounge as it's the biggest room and there's no room anywhere else for them. He says I can't do that and that the tv / sound system should be the last thing to be packed even though it's the only area in the house I can put boxes. He watches tv every night.

He's taken no days off this week to help with the move nor done anything to help other than buy some boxes he taken the day off tomorrow which is our actual moving day and he's leaving work early today (4pm...) to pick up a car that's in the garage where I have to drive him and waste the precious packing time I have.

Last night when going to bed he tells me he wants me to sign a document to confirm he owns 50% of the house we're buying and which has sale clauses in if we break up. We end up in an argument because I feel it shows he's one foot out of the door and he doesn't see why I'm upset. Yet if I try to sit on some papers because there's nowhere to sit then I'm being disrespectful ?

It's like this all the time.

I could go on and on.

Do you stick this out in the hope it gets better? I don't want to let our DD down but I can't cope with this. I'm miserable.

OP posts:
HomeSliceKnowsBest · 15/10/2020 16:23

Nope. LTB.

Hadalifeonce · 15/10/2020 16:29

Please read you post aloud to yourself. Does it really sound anything near a normal and loving relationship?

No, it doesn't. You need to seriously think about having this man in your life. I think you would be much happier without him.

Opentooffers · 15/10/2020 16:55

The talk of him wanting a document saying he owns 50%, was just him trying to make a point. If both your names are on the mortgage, he's entitled to 50% anyway as you are not married, so the mortgage is the legal document.
Moving is known to be one of the most stressful times for a couple, the other is having a baby. You are doing both at once, so no wonder tension is high.
I'd look at how the relationship was before the changes, then honestly look at why there has been no sex since your baby was born, is it him, do you resent how unsupportive he's been? Did he take paternity leave? Or are you just both knackered?

Whose instigated the move? Was it you,is that why it's been left to you, or is it a wholly joint decision but he's been lazy and disorganized about it. If you are putting as much money into the house and mortgage as him, and you work, might be better to get out now. However, if you're relationship was great befor the changes, counselling may help, it's very late in the day to backtrack, which is probably why you are under maximum pressure.

HornbeamLane · 15/10/2020 17:59

We both wanted to move for the baby as we only live in a flat and really need a house.
I work and am the higher earner so that's an added pressure too, as with Covid he didn't get a promotion he was promised. we're both contributing 50/50 to everything, even whilst I'm on maternity as I have savings.
On the sex front I had some complications after birth so that's why there's been no sex but he's also gained a lot of weight so he said he feels unattractive.
He took paternity for a couple of weeks and I breastfeed so I largely do everything for the baby, all night feeds etc.
I think like you say, it's been an awful lot of pressure. We were good before I was pregnant but things have been rocky since then really and just got progressively worse as we've had more blows come our way which has been wave after wave without going into all the details

OP posts:
Cheesesconegone · 15/10/2020 18:13

OK. Don’t sign the document.
Have you taken the mortgage as tenants in common? Do you know the rights around the two options?
Take legal advice on this but sign nothing.
This may settle down, but you stay put as you’ll be the one to stay in the home with the child if he goes.

Cheesesconegone · 15/10/2020 18:15

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/conveyancing-services/joint-tenancy-tenancy-in-common/

More advice on this, here. It really depends how this mortgage has been arranged as to rights if you separate.

HornbeamLane · 15/10/2020 18:24

We have a joint mortgage. Do you think he wants me to sign it because if not I could stay in the house even if we're unmarried and contributed equally?

OP posts:
Cheesesconegone · 15/10/2020 18:25

On the emotional side, he sounds like sheer hell. I did this with my son’s father, I stuck it out and then he played away with someone and left us for her when DS was 10. It wasn’t worth the crap that I took for all those years, trying to raise a kid with an unpredictable arsehole is no fun. However, there are variables and this could just be down to the huge life adjustments as parents and moving home and let’s face it, Covid is not making the world a pleasant place to be.
Wishing you luck OP but check the property deeds and sign and agree to nothing. Base your choice on probability and whether joint tenants or tenants in common works better for your contribution vs his. Protect your daughter but protect yourself first because then you’ve covered both of you.

HornbeamLane · 15/10/2020 18:26

And we purchased as tenants in common

OP posts:
Cheesesconegone · 15/10/2020 18:28

Sorry, crossed post. I think he’s clearly trying to protect his investment in a really ugly way because you’ve been arguing.
If you’re joint tenants then his document is worthless. If one of you does, the house in its entirety goes to the other with no contesting, even in a will. You can change this. Have you completed?

Cheesesconegone · 15/10/2020 18:35

Ahhhh, relax. Tenants in common, a solicitor would work out contributions and earnings etc. If you split.
But usually, and in my experience mum and kids keep the home until kids are grown. Not always but often. You won’t be forced to sell up until then either but you may wish to buy him out at some point so you are not beholden to him. I sold up to sever all ties which was a mistake as his maintenance is not court ordered so not counted as income.
I’m not a lawyer though so maybe quietly get some legal advice on what would happen. Solicitors will often give 30 mins free.
Sorry you’re having to think about such ghastly things right now.
I’m keeping everything crossed, it’s a blip which you’ll recover from. But if in a couple of years he’s just as bad, then you’ll be better asking him to go sooner rather than layer in my experience. Everyone squabbles but he doesn’t sound very pleasant. Good luck OP

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