Am I being used?

[Lonelyandconfused39]

Hello All
Well i dont know where to start really, iv known my ex for around 10 years, her family have always been my family etc. and we have a daughter together who is 7. anyway i moved from the north to the south after about 4 months of us knowing each other have been here ever since, apart from a short 1 year breakup when i moved home. anyway we got back together and it didnt work out i had intimacy issue stemming from childhood abuse. which i am now receiving counselling for. well we gave it another shot like i said and we broke up and have been for about a year. Yet she still continued to have me around, staying over helping out with the kids etc. Then lockdown happened and i moved in for a couple of months at her request, then she met someone (another ex) and in the space of a week i was forgotten about and i just saw my daughter that was it. then they broke up and she came calling again, do i wanna stay over, can i help her with the flat, moving furniture etc, housework, im not feeling well can you help with the kids ( she has 2, 1 with me and 1 with another bloke. anyway shes not again met someone new and again she has cast me aside. shes known this bloke 2 weeks, and apparently has fallen for him, why she told me that i dont know, she knew it would upset me, they have loads in common, talked loads blah blah the usual. i was more angry the fact she just seemed to discard me at the drop of a hat. she said she wants to be friends and is there if i need to talk etc. but i mean she met the guy once and then introduced him to the kids as her "friend" i feel totally lost at the moment. we spoke on the phone for about an hour, and she said all these things like you text me alot and stuff, before she met someone, and i said well yes you were ill (she has alot of health issues) and i was worried. then she said im not saying these things to hurt you im trying to spare your feelings. I knew in my head anyway she had moved on, but why use me like that? did i deserve it?

Yes I'm sorry it does sound like she wants someone around rather than you specifically. Just be there for your child and be amicable with her rather than 'close friends'.

thanks, she invited me round for my birthday tonight to have dinner see the kids. so im gonna go, be polite and civil and then after its no contact unless its about my little one. i need to start putting myself first

If you behave like a doormat, there will be someone along to treat you like one. Harsh, but true.
You are not a passive pawn in this. You choose to put up with her behaviour for some reason known only to you. You need to decide if you are going to keep choosing that option or are you going to choose something else.

Well this is a nuanced one. I don't think it's at all off the reservation for you to be somewhat helpful and supportive to the mother of your child, nor even for her to expect some support. I'm also not sure precisely what you were referring to when she kept asking you to move back in. Were you just living there? Did you re-establish some sort of romantic aspect to your relationship? Was it just a friends with benefits sort of thing? If so was this all communicated and laid out?

The real issue is how you seem to let her set the terms of your relationship to whatever she desires. By all means show support, and be helpful, but never ever just be at her beck and call like this. Whatever the exact nature of your relationship it's actually bad news for all three of you. First of all there is the obvious emotional state this leaves you in, second you're modelling to your ex a pretty unacceptable way to treat the men in her life which will blow up in her face sooner or later, and finally and perhaps most important of all you are modelling a pretty unhealthy dynamic for your daughter, and she is going to really struggle to find a decent bloke when she's of age if she takes as a template how her mother treats you! I'm absolutely certain you don't want that!

Finally, and I don't want to terrify you unduly especially with your past history of sexual abuse, but paedophiles directly target women like your ex who seem to have no boundaries whatsoever with regards to prospective partners and their children. Most sane people would leave at least 6 months of dating someone before introducing them to their children, doing it so bloody quickly might be indicative that your ex is something of a fantasist, and could be incapable of seeing a potential danger until it's too late.

Please bring all this up with your therapist, as it sounds very much to me like you are socially isolated. Your self esteem is shot, and you need to incorporate some assertiveness training into your healing process.

Jesus Christ....what? As antisocial said I would keep an extra close eye on your child being around legions of strange men but as far as she goes forget it.

Focus on your child and keep her out of your personal life from now on.

Raise your bar OP.