Staying with someone you're not "in" love with

[Dontwanttooutmyself]

DH (38) and I (40) have been together for 14 years. We have two DC (10 and 8). DH is a nice man, and we have a nice ("perfect") life together. I care very much for him, but I'm not in love with him anymore.

We very rarely argue but there is a lot of (silent) resentment from me on various things and small events that have happened over the years - his emotional unavailability, his selfishness, his lack of contribution to the mental load, his personal hygeine and the fact that I now out-earn him by 100%.

I feel like DH is another child - I still care about him greatly, but I feel deeply unattracted to a man for whom I have to buy pants and remind to brush his teeth. My sex drive has dropped to zero with him - to the point of actively avoiding it (when we used to have a great sex life).

I've tried ADs and fixed various aspects of my life (medical and physical) that I knew were making me unhappy (and contributing to the lack of sex drive) but the problem is still there.

DH is perfectly content (apart from the sex thing, which is starting to become a real issue) and has no realisation that I'm so unhappy.

My DD adores her father and he is with her, the perfect parent. But DS has a difficult relationship with DH - they fight and DH finds it very hard to be the grownup with him, arguing and then leaving me to "fix" the now crying child. When DH is away (frequently, on his hobby), I find it so much easier, as I only have two people to parent. I've now done the calculations and financially, I could probably afford to stay in the family home and buy him out. It'll be tight, but not impossible.

So what do I do next? I like "being married" and I'm terrified that I'll end up single for the rest of my life as DH was my first serious relationship (a "friend" kindly told me in my singledom-ness of my twenties that I wasn't the sort of girl that men want to marry). Do I try again to go to counselling (which I've tried DH to do before, but he refuses). Do I stay with him till the DC are grown (and hope that things improve)? Or do I shatter the DC's lives and split up - the thought of the upset on my DD's face if we split up, or the risk that the trauma will cause her EDs or depression in her teens is terrifying.

Has anyone else stayed with someone for the sake of the DC? Did you regret it? Did you fall back in love eventually?

I agree with LilyWater.

It is shocking how quickly posters advise others to throw theirs and their children's lives up into the air based on one person's perception of events. We should take more responsibility for the things we type to others.

This is not really the binary choice it appears.

I split with my ex over 7 years ago. I would say it brings a host of unending complexities and complications. My ex has been a nightmare ever since (lurched from one crisis to the next) and the fallout from him (and it’s unsettling impact on my dc) seems never ending. It’s still tough. It’s tough dealing with the relentless slog of kids and work, teenagers pushing boundaries, without a co-parent. I would very much not recommend exiting a marriage unless it was a lost cause (mine was). My marriage ending has been a catalyst though, for me to grow, (grow up as well) as a human. Be myself. Be authentic. My kids have seen me for who I am, and their dad for who he is. Some of that is good, some of that is bad. We all found our way.

My relationship with my dc is better and stronger and I am a better parent with him gone. Even though it’s harder. My kids have never really questioned me leaving him. I am quite sure they accept why I needed to leave him, on whatever level that is. Kids are really, really, really perceptive. My youngest was 8 and sort of summed up one night why it was good he was gone, all in one sentence.

If I could go back 7 years would I still leave him? Yes, absolutely. Would anything that anyone said to me at the time make any difference? No. Because it’s an emotional shift that makes you leave a marriage. It’s more subtle than a list of pros and cons.

Only OP can know the right path to walk.

Not to mention the total minefield of ‘moving on and dating with kids’

(Another ‘difficulty’ - understatement!!)

Fuck this...life is too short. And he can’t be a good parent to only one of his children, that’s setting them up for a lifetime of dysfunction.

Large income gaps are a big deal in relationships and sometimes it can make you lose respect or attraction for the other person.

You constantly feel like you're carrying them and it feels like another dependent. It's the same for both genders, except men tend not to vocalise it so much...instead the resentment builds up and it changes the interaction between the couple.

I think that once the feeling has gone then it’s gone and it won’t be coming back. You could limp along for another 10 years and many do, but you will not have been true to yourself and there is a likelihood that the longer this goes on, the more you will susceptible to having your head turned and that is a much worse scenario.

Personally I would be taking steps to leave, forget about relationships for a year or two and use that time with the kids and to build a new norm.

I would try a separation first. He sounds immature. Stop buying pants etc. The behaviour with your son is very strange. Talk to him. I do feel the attraction for him has gone and that might be very hard to get back

Thanks everyone for your input - it's really interesting to hear both perspectives (though clearly doesn't make it any easier for me to know what i should do).

@LilyWater and the others who bring up the issues it will cause for my children - that is exactly what I'm afraid of. My children come first, and I'm OK with sacrificing my own happiness if that's less worse for the children. So is the trauma of divorce (which I think we could do amicably) worse than the poor relationship modelling that they'll see. I guess there is no right answer to that (and you can never judge the counter-factual). With hindsight, I should have left him when the DC were younger (although it's only now that i can afford to keep the family home).

That's useful re incomes @SandyY2K, though I wonder if the men who have this issue are also doing all the heavy lifting at home too, because that's my problem - I wouldn't mind managing the financial burden if someone was managing the household, so I had some energy left for me.

I know I need to talk to him, and I think I have to try counselling (if I do leave him, I need to know I've given it my best shot) but his usual reaction to difficult problems is to ignore them (which is why @AttilaTheMeerkat and lilywater you're both sort of right - it shouldn't be my sole responsibility to sort out the relationship, but it feels like it is). I probably paint him to sound like a monster, but he's got a good heart, he's funny and is kind. None of his behaviours are done out malice - he's just doesn't think. And I know i'm to blame too - I am probably a bit controlling, I do infantalise him, and I'm overly lenient on my DS. I don't like me when I'm with him because I've turned into something that I'm not.

garrghh! I just don't know how to deal with this

Your DH doesn't sound great at all.
The stuff with how he treats your DS is awful.
If you can afford to split up then I probably would do that.

For what it’s worth, I’ll second what @lilywater said.

Sometimes you grow apart. I had a lovely decade long relationship in my 20s and he was great but I fell out of love.

Despite the issues I've had with subsequent men, I wouldn't have missed that rush for the world. It made me feel alive.

I left my ex (he was controlling and jealous) in my late 40s and I was much happier on my own than with the wrong person. However, since then I had a couple of relationships which although they didn't go anywhere, were great fun. I've now met someone who seems to be everything I could ever ask for - mentally, emotionally and physically. We connect in every level.

Life is definitely sweeter with someone but only if they are right for you.

Fair enough for him not to prioritise his career but he has a family too. You should be a team and if one of you is working hard, then the other one has to pick up the slack at home. To expect you to do everything whilst he goes and does his hobby would make me also lose any attraction I had.

@Dontwanttooutmyself Oh, OP, go to counselling yourself. I did it almost two years ago, and it was amazing just to be able to get it all out to someone who didn't know me. She actually said to me at the end of our session that she normally finds something to work with, but that she thought there was literally nothing to save here, and almost gave me permission to leave the relationship. The only thing she got wrong was the suggestion that telling him how I was feeling might lead him to reveal he feels the same sense of dissatisfaction. When I told him that I'd been to counselling he was horrified that I'd spoken to someone about our relationship, which he thought had no problems! But do go, it gives your mind a release if nothing else. Mind you, here I am still in the same situation as you.... If I knew the kids would be fine, I'd tell him this afternoon that I think we should split up. But if I knew the kids would NOT be fine, I'd give up my happiness for them. I realise this is not the way to deal with it, you only get one chance at life, but it is SO HARD xx

@WakingUp55643 - how did you find a counsellor? Did you use relate? I’ve seen another counsellor but that was CBT to help with depression, so I don’t know whether to go back to that counsellor or try someone new

@Dontwanttooutmyself Yes it was with Relate. I got an initial session so she could find out what the problem was, and then she referred me to another counsellor from there, still Relate. I've found it really useful (but expensive) but DH tells me I've made the atmosphere in the house so much worse because of them putting ideas in my head.........

No, no, no.
I believe that everybody should be able to be independent. A partner should enhance your life, not give you the ick.
Please don’t stay for the kids etc.
You’ve got so many years left to enjoy without him.
Think about where you want to be in ten years - do you still want to be living this life or will you feel that it’s life wasted ?

I am in this exact situation. Been together nearly twenty years. Have 2 kids. One boy one girl. Husband idolises our daughter and she him. My son he has no connection with, nothing in common. We have a sexless marriage. Just friends living together.
I woule love to seperate right away but for many reasons I can't. Mainly financial. I also don't want to be apart from my kids and for him to have them when I'm not there whilst they are still young particularly if he got a new partner. My eldest is soon to start high schools so he is growing up but our daughter is only 6, so a good few years yet until I'm comfortable with it. I want my kids to be more independent first and not be as reliant on us.
He often talks about things for in the future, but ive mentally checked out of the marriage. I've no intention of doing any of those things with him. It's awful all round but my main focus has to be the children. We have a good life and financial stability . If we separated I would have basically nothing and wouldn't be able to provide for them well because I'm disabled and cannot work. He wouldn't be able to give me much after paying his own bills. So I'm trapped for now

That's useful re incomes @SandyY2K, though I wonder if the men who have this issue are also doing all the heavy lifting at home too
In my experience, the resentment comes more when the kids are older/in school/left school and the man is still the only one bringing in an income...where the wife/partner just doesn't want to work and isn't doing that much at home.

I mean, unless you have a mansion you're not cleaning all day long.

Speaking as someone who grew up in a household of resentment and ill-feeling because my parents refused to divorce 'because of the kids', I wish they had gotten divorced and allowed us all to move on. It is not healthy for children to grow up in a house where one partner is disrespecting the other, it is not a situation you want to model to your children. And it is not a woman's duty to stay in an unhappy marriage and be miserable to ensure that everyone except her is content.

OP you don't mention whether you have actively told him that his laziness is gross and he needs to start contributing equally (in all regards). If you haven't then perhaps there is grounds for an ultimatum/plan to be issued; if you have and he chooses not to I would absolutely get divorced.

My gut feeling is to tell you to get out there and live again, life's too short to live a half-life.
Kids are resilient.

Ijustwantsomebees no, I haven't tried this recently. I have tried several times to start a conversation over the years, usually with reference to how we parent our DS, but he ducks the conversation/ignores it (see comment about his emotional unavailability) and me being me, I let it slide. As a few PPs have said, I need to grow a pair and have an adult conversation.

I know that the relationship needs counselling - either with him if he'll agree to it (to try to repair it) or by myself to see whether it's damaged beyond repair.

DD said to me last night (as I was talking about another friend who has got divorced) that she'd hate me forever if we got divorced . I used it as an opportunity to explain that the reason why friend A and friend B were divorcing was because they would be happier apart, even though they did still really care about each other, so I wonder whether, if I do get divorced, it would be worth getting counselling for DD (and DS) to help them process their feelings.

OP I relate to you a lot. I'm disabled and felt like that limited my options a lot and in my 20's DH was the only person to really want to date me long term or marry me. I have a high paying career but DH basically failed his final year of university due to depression and drinking too much so earns less than half of salary. He's a good guy but if I am honest I don't think I would have married him if I had felt like I had options. Having a normal life, getting married and having kids has always been very important to me and I couldn't have done those things without him. However he isn't a natural father and at times I feel like it is me and the girls with him on the outside.

I always feel like i am the driving force in the marriage and that he is just along for the ride, waiting to be told what to do, he's rather be in the pub I think. He's quite grumpy as he gets older, the lack of sleep doesn't help and at times I resent the fact that he earns so much less than me and I feel like it curtails our life quite a bit regarding what sort of home we could buy, holidays and schools. I know this sounds shitty of me but we're both from well off backgrounds and he expects a certain standard of living also even though he doesn't earn enough to support it, he wants nice clothes, expensive music equipment, vinyl records, concert tickets which comes out of my money while I'd rather focus on things that benefit the whole family.

I feel like now we have quite distant lives, before we had children we were always out meeting friends for dinner, parties and so on and he was good company in those circumstances but at home he is often stressed and grumpy. After dinner we get the kids to bed and then mostly do our own thing in seperate rooms. It makes me sad as I know other couples snuggle up on the sofa to watch boxsets but he thinks tv is boring and what old people do (we're in our 40's!) and prefers to listen to music and drink in the spare bedroom and I watch netflix alone in bed.

I do care about him but don't love him, we've both used each other in a way for years now. I daydream about a new life and a new love when my girls are older but in reality I will be a 60 year old disabled woman at that age and I don't think anyone else would want me.

@Dontwanttooutmyself About the counselling for your children, my friend has done this. She too felt terrible about breaking up her family, and felt so much responsibility to make sure the kids were ok and arranged counselling for them pretty much straight away. She says it really helped and they seem to be fine now. It's something to keep in mind. But I would get some for yourself first of all, it really helps sort your mind out.
It's good that you had the opportunity to explain your friend's divorce to your DD, because I think this is the thing kids are most scared of, i know I would have been scared looking back to when I was young. So at least you've talked about it. Sometimes me and the littlest one watch Waffle on CBeebies, and I talk to him about how the families have mixed and they're married to different people but they're all still good friends and will always be a big family who love their children. It's so hard, but honestly, divorce is very common and life goes on x

Dontwant .....

Have you -talked- to him about this? nowhere in your post does it say that you have tried to talk to him about hygiene issues (ugh) selfishness, unavalability etc? (possibly you have and not got anywhere, but it doesn't actually say so)

so much has built up that it might very well not work expecially if he's emotionally unavailable so Marriage Counselling may be the best option. But talking may just make a big difference.