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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal to feel like this?

31 replies

Babymumma01 · 14/10/2020 19:31

Hi mums,
Im pretty much a do it all mum. Partner works extremely long hours 6 days per week (most weeks), leaves at crack of dawn and gets back home when baby is down for the night. I do all the night feeds and all the days. I try to remain as positive as I can be and most days im jumping for joy, but some days I’m so down and even cry where I just feel so lonely, am juggling so much and just never have not even 5 minutes to myself. Is this normal? I feel bad as my baby can obviously feel this but it is so hard not to feel this way some days. Any other mums felt like this? I have been thrown some really nasty comments at by family members which has made me cut ties, Makes me feel like such a bad mother :(

OP posts:
Ffsffsffsffsffs · 14/10/2020 19:38

You're going to get crucified putting this on the Lone Parents page OP.

Some of us feel like you are all the time, with nobody to sound off at in the evenings or the odd weekend day, nor anyone working long hours to contribute to the household pot.

That said, I completely understand how you're feeling. It's what caused the rift in my marriage which led to my divorce.

Ihatesandwiches · 14/10/2020 19:45

In the most helpful way, be ready to be told your partner is the issue :-). My ex and I split up because of this. I would rather be an actual single parent and get a break when he has our child than live the relentless life of maintaining a home for the 3 of us, working full time and having to take his needs and wishes into account while he did nothing to support us. We split up when baby was a year old. 10 years later, it is still the single best decision of my life! DD spends EOW with Dad and we are all so much happier.

Givemeabreak88 · 14/10/2020 22:20

Just cos your partner works it’s not the same as being a lone parent

TicTacTwo · 15/10/2020 00:00

Have requested admin move this to another forum for you.

unicornsarereal72 · 15/10/2020 07:58

In answer to your question. No. That's not normal. My ex was in the military. He was away for long periods of time. But was in contact as and when he could so I felt emotionally and financially supported although lonely. I made the most of it and enjoyed getting out and about with the children and friends and family. You need to build a routine and social network outside of the child's father.

Being a lone parent who has the children 24/7 is very different. Emotionally and financially. My situation is very different now. And the two can not be compared.

Original poster
Babymumma01 · 15/10/2020 08:16

It was the only topic that I thought suited my situation, I wasn’t going to put it under child birth. I’ve come on here for advice, not for mothers to be upset because I’ve missed placed my thread.

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 15/10/2020 08:45

Well it’s offensive, end of. Place it in relationships because that’s what suits your situation given that you’re in a relationship and not a lone parent Confused

FelicityPike · 15/10/2020 08:51

Yeah you’re not a “lone parent” and you need a severe word with your partner.
Why can’t you have 5 minutes to yourself when baby is sleeping during the day?
Are you breast feeding?

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 15/10/2020 08:54

There's a million (exaggeration) places more suitable than lone parents for a post about your partner.

But I'm going to assume its a genuine mistake and not meant maliciously.

How old is your baby? They are full on, and with a dp working long hours 6x per week you're not going to get much time to yourself unfortunately. Does dp take over and give you a break on his day off? He should be. You should get the same amount of free time as each other, so half a day each. It might also be worth having a chat with your gp, if you think the feeling down and crying is becoming too much. Do you have a friend or relative who can take the baby for a few hours so you can recharge your batteries?

sueperb74 · 15/10/2020 09:05

omg give the girl a break

lyingwanker · 15/10/2020 09:13

I've been in your situation and am now a true lone parent. In a lot of ways it's easier being a lone parent because I don't have that resentment or expectation towards the dad. However, in some ways being in an absent relationship is still easier because there's 2 incomes, someone to tell your little funny stories about the kids to and not the stress about if you were taken ill what would happen with the kids.

I prefer being a lone parent to be honest.

What you need to do is talk to your partner and explain exactly how you are feeling. Did you have a baby knowing that this would be the situation or has something come up where he has to work so much? Is it something he can change a bit? Have you got a friend you can spend more time with?

Original poster
Babymumma01 · 15/10/2020 09:20

I would never do things maliciously, I honestly didn’t know it was so sensitive to some that I have missed placed my thread. I thought this was a mothers forum and regardless if i put it under the wrong topic I would be given some advice from other mothers who have felt the same way or experienced what I have.
Me personally, I would not jump down someones throat for it as I see a person is in need and people make mistakes. I haven’t used this site much to explore it as much as others have.

My problem is not my partner, he is earning his way to help us. I do not have support from any family and yes on his day off he helps but he also needs rest from all the hard work he is doing.

I am fine. I will no longer as for advice.

But my advice to some, please be more decent and not so upset with peoples mistakes. Theres a lot more going on in the world. We should bring eachother up not down

OP posts:
hillfda · 15/10/2020 09:23

PP's need to get a grip. OP have you spoken to your partner about this? Is there anyway he can work less hours or is this necessary? I'm guessing you're a SAHM which can be very lonely, cut yourself some slack. Also don't feel like all the weight should be on your shoulders. If you are a SAHM then that is just as an important job as his and it doesn't mean that he shouldn't help out with the baby. It takes two people to create a baby.

Original poster
Babymumma01 · 15/10/2020 09:26

Thank you very much for being able to relate.

With covid it affected my work as was made redundant while on maternity leave, so he has picked up more hours as we need the income.
He is very good to me emotionally and on his day off entertains our young baby so I can finish all my half complete house work/shopping etc!!

This year has been very hard for everyone with this pandemic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babymumma01 · 15/10/2020 09:31

I do believe its because im a FTM i am a SAHM until my child is old enough for me to work. As a FTM, I believe I just question myself a lot! I know in due time I will feel extremely confident

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2020 09:31

"I do not have support from any family and yes on his day off he helps but he also needs rest from all the hard work he is doing"

You sound quite vulnerable here and he likely knows that as well.

Does he really need to work 6 days a week; could he for instance work one less day?. What does he do on the one day a week he gets off?.

His needs though are not more important than yours and you have a baby to care for. Another thing; do not regard what he does within the home as merely "helping" you; he is also equally responsible for what happens within it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2020 09:35

"He is very good to me emotionally and on his day off entertains our young baby so I can finish all my half complete house work/shopping etc!!"

No, no and no. He should be doing chores and shopping too as well as caring for your child.

I also wonder whether your former employers acted within the law here too; it would be worth contacting ACAS for advice on this matter.

Hesfamousforit · 15/10/2020 09:37

Hello. Is this your 1st baby? I had 2 kids with a partner and a 3rd as a single parent. The first baby was by far the hardest. I often felt like a single parent because of the way my dp lifestyle was with work and hobbies but when he was in the house he did help with childcare. I think a first baby is a real shock to the system and you do need time at the end of the day to unwind and relax. If things are getting on top of you it might be worth speaking to the doctor or health visitor. Have you got the baby in a routine? That will help as well. Does your baby cry a lot? From my experience I'd say 90% of crying is due to tiredness(assuming we'll fed) and regocnising that and getting baby settled to sleep does make life a lot easier as you have a far more content baby to deal with during the day if they are not tired and crabbit.
Soon they will be tearing about the place and giving you cheek and you'll be wishing the baby days back so try and cherish this time by taking it easy and not trying to do too much in set times etc. Flowers

FelicityPike · 15/10/2020 09:52

Are you from a culture where the men don’t do housework and it’s very much seen as “women’s work”?

Hesfamousforit · 15/10/2020 09:54

@FelicityPike

Are you from a culture where the men don’t do housework and it’s very much seen as “women’s work”?
Plenty British men don't do housework. In fact they do it badly on purpose so they don't get asked to do it again!
Aprild25 · 15/10/2020 09:55

Hi OP,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I am a ftm to a 5 month old and my husband is in the military so often away or doing long random hours. I have no family nearby so pretty much all of the childcare, chores, nightfeeds is on me. DH helps as much as he can when he is home but it is bloody exhausting most of the time! I love being a mum but it can get lonely and it is such hard work when you have no break and little help.

There are no baby groups open where I am but do you have anything you can take baby to? Just to get out a bit and chat to some other mums maybe? I wish I had that option right now!

Is there anyway of your husband dropping a day at work to have a bit more time at home to help?

Sorry I don't have great advice just wanted you to know you're not aloneFlowers

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 15/10/2020 10:19

The reason PPs have got upset by this thread is because we've had years of being told "I know how you feel because my DP works a lot so I'm practically a single parent" and after a while it wears more than a little thin. Because having another adult to talk to and help emotionally and financially is nothing like being a single parent.

But as I said before I think OP made a genuine error posting here.

@Babymumma01 it might be worth reporting your own thread and asking @MNHQ to move it to parenting/chat/wherever they think is best to get more help.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 15/10/2020 10:20

Well in the time it took me to post that it was moved Grin

Givemeabreak88 · 15/10/2020 10:23

There was a thread in AIBU on what’s the most annoying thing about being a lone parent (something like that, can’t remember the exact title) and the most common one was people who are in a relationship but say they are basically a single parent, and yes I do think it’s offensive and it undermines how hard it is to truly be a lone parent and then you get the ones who say they now know what it’s like being a lone parent because their husband went away for a week Confused

Aprild25 · 15/10/2020 10:23

It's really a shame that people are just having a go because of where you posted this. It was clearly an accident-OP never once said she was a lone parent. Would be nice if people would just respond to the actual post where someone is clearly asking for some support.