He wasn’t over his ex

[RamonaLark]

Posting here for therapy.

Started something casual with someone just before lockdown and it grew. He wasn’t over his ex but I didn’t mind at first because my marriage had recently ended and I wasn’t interested in a relationship. He was moving away, I have two children, it was just never going to happen.

We were great together, completely by accident. Excellent friends and we bubbled together, went on holiday together In August, etc. I kept trying to end it after I started having feelings because he clearly wasn’t over his ex and all of the other factors mentioned above.

Anyway. All sorts has happened over the months which mean it is just not going to happen and I have finally ended it properly. Posting here to ensure I don’t go back again.

Lesson learned. Don’t get involved with someone not over their ex. It hurts.

I'm sorry you're going through this. My friend lives in the shadow of her husband's ex wife. She has gone from being the light, airy and most beautiful soul to crying most days and tearing herself apart

You will get there. Plenty of men out there, some really lovely ones

Thank you for your reply. It was hugely helpful.

I'm serious I could write a book on her story..

My beautiful friend has tried to morph into his ex wife. His ex wife is not anyone you'd ever want to be. My friend is 30 and has lost all sense of life and I fear she'll never find herself again

Her husband is a nice man btw but he was not over his ex when they got together

It was the right thing to do. I’m actually the one that wasn’t over an ex when I started dating again and it was disastrous - for both me and my ex. I should have never started dating again it was too soon and unfortunately the man I was dating didnt pick up on my struggles either.

So good for you for recognizing it and knowing it wouldn’t be right to continue on with this man.

I've been you many many moons ago. You've done the right thing. I got so comfortable with accepting being in the shadow of the ex, I didn't see him healing through me to then move onto the next person who was also 'the one'.

Wish I'd had your strength back then.

@itsblue thank you! You have hit the nail on the head for me. Thats exactly what my ex did. He healed through me while setting himself up to be with someone else. It was awful but that perspective has really helped me to define what happened.@ramoral I guess its the old adage of they tell you who they are quite quickly through their actions. Staying emotionally healthy yourself is vital as you just dont know what the other person has got going on in their minds emotionally or what their intentions are. You will be fine but it is hurtful.

I think it’s so much easier to form a meaningful connection with somebody you like when you both know deep down that it can’t last - ie with him going away etc. It’s easier to overlook signs that it wouldn’t work long term when you know you don’t have to worry about that anyway. So it might be worth reminding yourself that even without his ex-related issues maybe things wouldn’t have been ideal anyway.