Escalating Rows

[Newwoman2017]

I really need some advice to get some clarity on a row I've had with my hubby.

I went to the outside freezer to get something out for dinner and I couldn't get into the garage so I said to him that I would need to get in the freezer soon. Bearing in mind he regularly has his work tools etc all over it and I can't get in it.

He went right off on one saying i had messed up because I knew he would be putting loads of stuff in the garage today (he was having a repair done on his truck)

Maybe it is me but although i knew he was having this done and he told me this morning he was getting it ready I didn't think it would impact me using the freezer.
He got really angry shouting at me that I knew and should have got stuff out b4.

I am trying to understand and see what i have done wrong. He seems to think I should have known but to be honest I don't take notice of everything he's doing. He doesn't like me interfering in anything he is doing anyway. I work and run the home and I was trying to plan what I had to get done today.

Anyway the row escalated out of all proportion, because I said he was out of order shouting at me. He's so rude doesn't consider anything I have to do. When we argue he won't talk to me about it , we had a row 3 weeks ago and he just tells me to shut up & go to bed. I feel he has lost all respect for me he doesn't treat me like someone he cherishes. I feel so sad, I just went upstairs & cried.

He says I'm childish and mimicks me, or says oh here we go again. He has just gone to collect his van & hasn't asked me to give him a lift even tho its a long way just to cut off his nose to spite his face.

I know this is stupid row its the way it escalates that is the problem. I do'nt feel he is happy but if i try to talk to him he goes mad & says I'm telling him how he feels.

How do I talk to someone who won't talk to me?

How do I talk to someone who won't talk to me?

Through a solicitor.

Seriously, if my DP had stuff all over the garage and I asked him for access to the freezer ahead of time, I wouldn't expect a huff or puff, much less a row. I would expect - if it was massively inconvenient for him to move his stuff - to hear the words "what do you need from the freezer?"

we had a row 3 weeks ago and he just tells me to shut up & go to bed. I feel he has lost all respect for me he doesn't treat me like someone he cherishes. I feel so sad, I just went upstairs & cried. No, he doesn't respect you, frankly, his behavious is calculated to really upset you so you don't argue with him again.

I hope you gave him an empty plate for dinner?

He sounds like he could start a fight in an empty room. Is he always like that? Let's hope the walk puts him in a better mood.

We haven't spoken since, there ls no point trying tonight so I will go to bed. I've been really poorly since last Thursday but I've still done everything I normally do. I feel too tired to argue especially when I know Its falls on deaf ears.

We are building up for some serious stuff tho because I'm not sure how much more I can take.

A few weeks back he refused to come to my brothers birthday, he was finishing a personal in our garden but he'd know about it for ages and would not stop to get ready. it was so embarrassing. I got hysterical before I left to go & ended up hurting my hand beating on the door in anger & hurt at him.

I just don't know what to do or say anymore its like walking on eggshells.

You do know what to do.

This is no life,

You cannot stay with a man like this, in a toxic relationship, and be healthy and happy. You simply can't.

You must break up, this is so unhealthy and it's escalating all the time by the sounds of it.

This isn't what loving someone looks like, it's not even what liking someone looks like.

Quite dramatic for posters saying you need to automatically end your marriage after a couple of bad rows If everyone did this, no one would ever stay together!!

To be honest when I read your OP, I could see where he was coming from. In that if he had actually told you earlier in the day that he was doing a repair...it would be normal to assume he would probably need tools, and would therefore need to use the outside garage where the freezer is...

I wonder if you have a habit of not properly listening to him and focusing on doing your own thing so this frustration has been building up and he snapped. I know from experience how disrespectful and annoying it is to be saying something and that person just blocks you out or doesn't bother properly registering what you're saying to them. Obviously doesn't justify him shouting and telling you to shut up, but if you yourself get hysterical and to a point of rage where you beat on a door so hard that you end up hurting your hand, then he's not the only one whose reactions get out of line in the heat of arguments.

Sounds like there's been a lot of resentment building on both sides that's led to you both not communicating properly and choosing instead to lead more separate lives rather than as a couple. This is exactly what counselling is for and it sounds like you both would benefit from it.

Oh for god's sake @LilyWater I've never been treated like that in 27 years of marriage or in any previous relationships so no,we aren't jumping the gun telling her to leave the marriage

What I meant to add to the above post, is that i expect he was thinking that since he made the point to tell you about the repair earlier in the day, you would have got what you needed from the freezer, or at the very least checked with him if freezer access would be impacted. It just jumped out as really strange to me that you recognise from the outset that his work tools are normally in the way blocking the freezer, yet claim that it didnt even occur to you that you could be impacted by what he was doing! Then you come along to say you need to access it when he's already put down all his tools and stuff there and I assume would be a bother to move it. I would find that really annoying if I was him, especially if you had a habit of not listening properly. It would be different if he hadnt told you anything at all.

You hurt your hand beating on the door??

Neither of you are happy, clearly and it looks like communication has dried up between you. I think you actually may need counselling to see if this is salvageable.

When we argue he won't talk to me about it, we had a row 3 weeks ago and he just tells me to shut up & go to bed. I feel he has lost all respect for me he doesn't treat me like someone he cherishes. I feel so sad, I just went upstairs & cried.

He says I'm childish and mimicks me, or says oh here we go again.

@LilyWater surely you can see this is no way for OP to live? This is an incredibly tense, aggressive and disrespectful environment in which to live. It's not loving or kind or caring or fun. The bar should be higher than this.

I think you are as bad as each other, so either get counselling or split up. What a toxic way to live annoying the hell out of each other and behaving as if it's the other person at fault.

Lily water you make some valid points sometimes I don't think . It wasn't intentional. I dont always listen properly. We talked last night and will hopefully over forward in a positive way.

I'm not a crazy rampaging nutter. I hot angry about my brothers birthday because I felt let down, I was looking forwards to doing something as a family. He was very rude and I got cross.

If you want things to change you both need to do more than just talk and hope. You need marriage counselling to learn to communicate without escalating and without toxic behaviours.

"Anyway the row escalated out of all proportion, because I said he was out of order shouting at me. He's so rude doesn't consider anything I have to do. When we argue he won't talk to me about it , we had a row 3 weeks ago and he just tells me to shut up & go to bed." This behaviour by him is really negative and toxic.

" I got hysterical before I left to go & ended up hurting my hand beating on the door in anger & hurt at him.". But so is yours. Beating on the door in anger is not OK. DH did this once, it's agressive and scary. You both need to see a counsellor and commit to making changes if you want things to get better.