Leaving abusive relationship

[FinallyHadEnough]

This is my first time posting. My husband has been emotionally and (occasionally) physically abusive over the years. He’s always made me feel this was my fault.

A few months back I saw some messages to a girl in a coffee shop on his phone. It was not clear how far things had gone but he had asked for her number and they were chatting about going out somewhere.

I gave him one last chance on the condition that he stayed away from the girl and the coffee shop. Last weekend I saw him leaving there and she was working inside. I told him it was over and asked him to leave. But he keeps coming back to the house and telling me I’m overreacting and I will ruin his life etc if I end it.

I’m trying so hard to stay strong and have told him it’s definitely over but I feel sick and panicky like I can’t breathe.

You know deep down that none of the abuse is your fault and you deserve much better than being lied to and cheated on. Even if he hasn’t done anything with this girl the intention is there and I would imagine it isn’t the first.

It is so difficult to stand up for yourself after years of abuse. I’m in a similar situation and separated in June. It’s been really tough and like you, my husband has made the whole thing about him and how awful this has made his life, yet he hasn’t actually given a crap about my happiness for a long time!!

You’ve done the very worst but which is to get him to leave. Now you have to be the strongest you’ve ever been and stick to it. It may seem like the easier option to take him back but you’ll find yourself abused or betrayed by him again and have to start again. Doesn’t sound like he has the capacity to change.

When my ex rants on about how terrible he has it now I have a little ditty I repeat in my head. “This is not my crap, this is not my shit, this is not my crap etc”. Also I have two people I call as soon as he leaves who tell me what a cunt he is. Also in the early days I made a list of everything he has done to me over the years and I read that back.

Good luck and stay strong x

Thank you. I’m glad you managed to get away. Mine has gone away with work for a week so I’m trying to convince myself to leave while he is gone but I feel sick with nerves.

@FinallyHadEnough have you spoken to a solicitor yet? It may help you to do something practical. I got a free 30 minute consultation to find out where I stood.

Use this week while he is away to get yourself mentally prepared and know your own worth! You do not deserve to live like this, you only have one life, don’t waste it being miserable xxx

He’s abusive AND you can’t trust him.
Your life will be so much better when you are free from him.
You can do this, you are stronger than you think. Just keep pushing yourself.
It’s ok to feel nervous and sicky, just breathe through it.