Have I got a problem with me or with my dh?

[GlassHalfBroken]

I ate a small bar of chocolate that was in the kitchen cupboard, in a pile of other similar ones. It's been there since the weekend (could have been longer for all I knew).

My dh came in, saw it was missing, asked if I ate it (I said yes, I've not been having a good week - I'm very overweight and been really down this week and eating everything I can get my hands on, ashamed). He started crying said I spoil everything, it was for dd at uni. Slammed cupboard door, slammed around. I am at desk wfh. He has gone off to work. He has texted saying sorry for getting upset over trivia and that he's annoyed with himself for leaving the chocolate there.

He doesn't talk to me about anything other than things to keep the family running any more, or to complain about his boss (this is a very long and wearing complaint, on and on), and is sarcastic or angry in all responses to me (I'm supposed to remember everything he's ever said in passing - I'm sure some of these things have not been said out loud, or I've drawn a different conclusion of the point of what he's saying). I guess I'm saying our communications are completely failed.

A year ago I had something of a breakdown, partly because of a work situation that thankfully resolved by me finding a new job away from a really manipulative colleague. I started taking antidepressants, which were a lifesaver to be honest, and with some CBT, I came off those after 8 months and I've been fine. When I was off work and started ADs he never spoke to me about those, and when I talked of stopping them he ignored it. Until I reduced the dose and then we rowed and then he told me I should keep taking them. And since then he has said that he didn't know I was taking them or why (but of course he did as I couldn't drive for a couple of days and was nauseous/dizzy as often happens when you start them apparently). I've been doing loads better this year, getting some of my mojo back with doing things, but it's all alone, like when I was single and everything had to be planned in my head with no one to share it with.

I've become increasingly aware over the years that he may be on the autistic spectrum (he has scored highly on an online test) and that many of his behaviours fit with that (I've often thought I may be too) - my friend with an autistic child was shocked that I didn't realise he was (in her view).

I feel that there is no warmth to his behaviour to me (and I get brushed off for being affectionate to him). Been nothing physical between us for over 8 years, because I'm fat and that's not appealing to him (his unpleasantness is not appealing to me). I miss it so much. I miss him, it feels like he's not here.

Is it him? Is it me? Is it just the combination of both of us? I'm so sad, and I would just like to stop feeling like such a failure. We have 2 teenage dc at home plus the one at uni and it's such an unwholesome atmosphere to have around them. We're only mid-40s.

Re your comment:-
"I've become increasingly aware over the years that he may be on the autistic spectrum (he has scored highly on an online test)"

One online test (itself questionable in value) is not conclusive and it may well be that your H is not on any autistic spectrum at all. Besides which even if he was, it is still NO reason for him to treat you like this. You are being abused here and you are in an abusive relationship. Your words are those an abused woman would write.

I know really.

Could you move out, rent a place on your own, this is no way to live, you can do what you want. Did he really cry over the chocolate, that's pathetic, he could buy some more

The autism traits thing is things like he is so focused on getting the recycling right that he will take things back out of the recycling to resort and clean (and I will be told the bits I've got wrong). Hard to explain this without sounding utterly crazy! But it's not that he is trying to tell me off for that it is that he is actually really stressed by it not being right.

He is also always late for things as he has to make the most efficient use of time and get everything done first. He reorganises what he (we) are doing to make it more efficient. But it is draining.

These behaviours have got worse over the years (married over 20 years) in line with how fed up and disempowered he feels at work (my work went through some doldrums but is now in an excellent place again and at last, thankfully - I could not cope with bad work and bad home, hence the breakdown, but I can cope with just one bad, just don't want to).

@Bananalanacake I know, I should. He feels like he can't buy anything food wise that I don't eat (he's right, I'm out of control with food) but if he'd said - that's for dd don't eat it, or even that's for me don't eat it, I wouldn't. I can see that it is very wearing for him too.

I should say, we never row about money, always had completely shared money, never any issue. We both spend as we like, neither would spend on anything crazy. Complete trust there.

Its him.

My ex used to re do the washing up when I did it. Because it had to be done right. Turned out that even when I tested him, by putting clean dishes on the drying rack and pouring water over them, he still re did them because I couldn't do it right.

Its a series of little things like this which undermine your confidence over a long period of time. You end up feeling like a non woman. You aren't good enough to have sex with, you aren't good enough to do basic household chores, even not being able to sort the rubbish correctly, there will be many more, the message he is sending is that you aren't good enough.

But you know what? You are. He isn't good enough for you. You deserve better.

I think its him. I'm not sure whether I'd class it as abusive though, if he is like this because it generally stresses him out though rather than because he generally wants to undermine and control you. Also he doesn't have to have sex with you if he doesn't want to. But you don't have to live with it.

Either way though, you don't have to live like this. You don't have to stay if you're not happy. It doesnt sound like this is a relationship any more other than a financial partnership, it's just housemates

It just seems to be a miserable existence for all parties. It should not be this hard.

Sounds like a complete mismatch; he likes to be in control and you have no self control.
Time to go your own way.

Its not you, its him. You were targeted by him.

What happened to you when you were growing up, what did you learn about relationships back then?. Is your own unhealthy binge relationship with food a long term thing starting in childhood?. Did your parents or mother in particular associate food with love?.

I would also think that HE is the reason you are on anti depressants and if he was to be gone from your day to day life your mental health state would remarkably lift.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you with this man?. A man at that whose reactions over a chocolate bar was disproportionate and designed to intimidate and otherwise scare you. He does this also because he can. Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. I daresay too he does not treat people in the outside world nor his work colleagues with such disdain when face to face. He is a bully and like all bullies he is a coward.

His actions are about power and control and he wants absolute here over you. Abuse like you describe does indeed creep up on people unawares over time, abuse really can be insidious in its onset.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Between you both you are showing them that a loveless and otherwise abusive marriage is their norm too; a happy marriage is certainly not their birthright.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

Do not assume ASD at all re him. It is likely that he is not on any ASD spectrum and as I mentioned before there is no reason or excuse for his actions towards you. There were likely red flags in your relationship prior to marrying him too but sadly these were not recognised or at best minimised. Given time as well, your other two children will go to university not to readily return home either. Who would want to return to such a toxic dysfunctional atmosphere?

I ate a small bar of chocolate that was in the kitchen cupboard, in a pile of other similar ones. It's been there since the weekend (could have been longer for all I knew).
That's not someone who is out of control with food. That's someone who fancied a small treat and took one from the treat cupboard. Totally reasonable. He's being a twat.

Its a series of little things like this which undermine your confidence over a long period of time. You end up feeling like a non woman. You aren't good enough to have sex with, you aren't good enough to do basic household chores, even not being able to sort the rubbish correctly, there will be many more, the message he is sending is that you aren't good enough.
This is so true. My exH was a bit like this. Every day i get a thrill about allthe stuff he said i couldn't do, but I can. It's been over 2 years but I'm only just starting to learn who I am. And guess what? I'm a fully functioning adult, not some sort of useless slattern. You will be too.

I think if you left him your eating problems might improve, because you wouldn't feel judged for what you were eating and you would become more confident.

He sounds awful. for you

A grown adult cries because you ate a bar of chocolate? That in itself is concerning without any of the other parts you've mentioned

Thanks all. Some comments are spot on, some are wide of the mark. It's not easy to describe the dynamics of a relationship, nor the reasons I behave the way I do nor him. I know it's not right, and I know that I'm not perfect but don't deserve this.

To be honest, I think the crying by him is indicative of how poorly he feels about himself, but the banging around is bullying. He wasn't like this for the first 10 years of our marriage (he was very gentle and caring and a lot of fun). And neither was I like I am. Not sure what went wrong then. I was always the confident one though, and it does feel like rather than him gaining confidence from me he's decided to undermine mine instead and here we are.

Changes are needed. Thank you.

To be honest, I think the crying by him is indicative of how poorly he feels about himself
I don't. I think he's trying to distract you from questioning his unreasonable behaviour by diverting your attention onto making him feel better. It's manipulative.

You did nothing wrong to eat the chocolate. His attitude is not going to help with your eating attitude, he's undermining you. He doesn't sound like a loving partner at all.

I am not sure the rights and wrongs here really matter. You are clearly unhappy in this relationship and have been for some time (and so is he by the sounds of it) and nothing is changing. It sounds like you are no longer compatible. It isn't failing to admit something is no longer working and you might both be happier apart.

He sounds controlling, manipulative and utterly miserable to be around. He does sound abusive - no sane person would respond like he did to you taking a small bar from a food cupboard in your own home.

You sound like you've had every last bit of self esteem ground out of you. That's from him demeaning you and making you feel small and unworthy. Please get away from him. No relationship should make you feel this bad. Life can be so much more pleasant than that.