Divorce

[Fuun123]

I posted in divorce but didn't get much response so wanted to include more details here. New poster but long time reader/watcher.

My ex-DP and I have separated and they are looking to divorce. It has come out of the blue to me. We had a difficult time over lock down - shielding child and family bereavement meant everything got on top of me over the last two years. Parent died of a long cancer illness and I found this very difficult to cope with.

Together 9 years - married 8. Two children.

The main issue we are having is I am going through a really difficult time as it appears my ex-DP decided many months ago that we would be splitting and then spent 8 months before incredibly difficult and challenging at home forcing me to walk on egg shells before finally I chose to move out (after shielding) to get some space. This in their eyes meant I was initially the end and after agreeing to try to work on things date - I am now getting that they just said that and didn't don't love me, want to see other people and aren't willing to talk - wanting limited contact.

It is still incredibly raw for me - I am under the GP for mental health and taking strong anti-depressants but I am still crying most days and have contemplated suicide although I'm not at the point right this very second and I'm just focusing upon getting one from minute to the next/hour to the next/day to the next.

They keep telling me I need to 'move on' don't want messages or contact from me - even photos of the children although we have 50:50 parenting. They would rather just limit the communications which I'm finding very difficult as I'm always someone who sends photos, messages etc.

I need to help myself to accept that they aren't coming back and to become less worried and paranoid about what they're thinking - what they're doing and where they are. Help! - Any advice gratefully received as it feels like there is a very dark cloud over me and I'm scared of the future.

I think you are probably suffering from the shock of all these things, and the knowledge that your partner knows how difficult life has been and still behaves like a shit.

You will be better off without someone like this bringing you down. You need time to grieve and you need some peace in your life.
It sounds to me like he has already moved on.
I don't have any advice other than you won't always feel so raw and unhappy. It will get better in time. Certainly the grief will dissipate into learning how to live with loss instead of not coping. I know tihs for sure - I have been there and always will be.
Take care of yourself.

Why would you want this person back in your life ? Nobody should have to put up with

@Anordinarymum

I think you are probably suffering from the shock of all these things, and the knowledge that your partner knows how difficult life has been and still behaves like a shit.

You will be better off without someone like this bringing you down. You need time to grieve and you need some peace in your life.
It sounds to me like he has already moved on.
I don't have any advice other than you won't always feel so raw and unhappy. It will get better in time. Certainly the grief will dissipate into learning how to live with loss instead of not coping. I know tihs for sure - I have been there and always will be.
Take care of yourself.

Why would you want this person back in your life ? Nobody should have to put up with

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your insight. I’m just so lost. This wasn’t ever in the plan and clearly they planned. Feel very lost and confused and alone. I can be fine one minute and think ‘I can do this’ then I’m physically shaking like I’m freezing cold and going to collapse.

They keep saying ‘it’s just going round in circle’ when we message or talk but I feel I need to process and all they’ll say is they can’t be the one to help me and don’t love. I don’t understand how you can just fall out of love from someone of 9 years in 2/3 months?

OP Ask yourself if there were any changes in his behaviour ?

Very much so all the classic signs of meeting someone or having head turned but we were shielding for 12 weeks so no idea how they had the time or opportunity.

Sadly for someone to just switch off like this, there has to be a reason. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

I know. They just say I didn’t make them feel loved but obviously I’ve been going through shock of losing a parent.

Just so confused. Can’t stop shivering and shaking for the last half an hour.

@Fuun123

I know. They just say I didn’t make them feel loved but obviously I’ve been going through shock of losing a parent.

Just so confused. Can’t stop shivering and shaking for the last half an hour.

I just think losing a loved one is so awful and you go half mad with grief, and this is really when your other half should be supportive and understanding. For you to have to cope alone and then out of the blue the one person you love to desert you is a cruel blow. Is there a support system in your family at all - someone to talk to ?

Unfortunately not really. My Ex-DP’s parents have been lovely and they tried to get us talking to help us see each others side and they were very neutral and I felt we made headway in terms of agreeing a way forward for looking after the children and communication but relationship wise we just criticised each other end kept trying to say this isn’t about the past - we need to move forward and draw a line and I was ok but now I’m home alone again until I have the children tomorrow.

I don't agree there has to be a reason for the other switching off at all.
In my last relationship, I began slowly detaching months before I finally ended it. My ex said it came out if the blue to him, he had missed the signs and did not listen to my complaints during arguments. Tge sane as you guys, we went round and round in circles with arguments for years. He saw this as fighting for the relationship, I had never had so much conflict in my life, became exhausted, lost hope and gave up. Other things annoyed me about him and in some ways we were largely incompatible, but the circular, unresolved issues and arguments just zapped me . He had pie self control during arguments too, raising his voice, door slamming etc and I lost all respect for him in the end.
There was nobody else in the picture.
Falling out of love can look a lot like the symptoms of someone having an affair imo.
We had to live in the same house for a while during which time I was emotionally cold, showed no enthusiasm towards him, started dressing up more, stopped talking of the future but secretly looked forward to mine as a single person. Whenever I talked to him it was lacking my usual passion, usually just contained the bare minimum of information regarding finances or the kids. He seemed genuinely shocked and hurt that it was finally over, but if he'd listened, there were warning signs for a long time. He either chose to ignore them, didn't believe me or got so used to me complaining did not take me seriously.
I am an all or nothing type person and it takes me a loooong time to lose feelings for someone I once loved so much, the difference in my attitude told him it was over because it was just so extreme.

poor self control*

Thank you for that reply. I think you’re right that is where they are or how they’ve articulated it to me. I just find it hard as they say they tried and we discussed it but all I was coping with at that point was just surviving the days to cope with the loss of my family member.

Your Ex is almost a year further along the splitting up process than you. They've spent that time playing you and getting their "ducks in a row".

They quite deliberately engineered it so that you walked on egg shells and they organised it so you left and they could blame you.

It just takes a little bit of self control not to send photos etc. Make all communication by email, restrict it to essential messages re the children only. Grey rock this person, they are no longer your friend nor do they have your best interests at heart.

Consider doing the Freedom Program and above get your self a shit hot lawyer, you are going to need one.