He broke my heart after 10 years.

[LLois]

My partner tried to kiss my best friend and she rang me the day after saying she pushed him away and he begged her not to tell me. He said she was lying and they both kissed each other then realised what they had done. I ended my 10 year relationship and 8 year friendship because I didnt trust what either one of them was saying. Fast forward 3 months and my life is a mess. I'm on a high prescription of antidepressants trying to block out how rubbish my life is. My sleeping is getting to a point where I'm having 2 hours sleep a night if I'm lucky. Sleeping pills don't work. Mother in law gave me some codeine and I'm pretty sure I'm now addicted to them now to. I cant adjust to having none of the people I love and it l hurts so bad. 12 months ago I had everything and now it's just gone. I let him back to our home last week and I did message my friend but she has made it clear she has moved on and I have to respect that. She was just such a big part of my life and I have lost her she was more like family than anyone to both me and my children. I miss her 💔 I know he's lying I can see the guilt across his face every day. He sees me broken and he knows the friendship he ruined but he still will not change his story. I allowed him home because I love him. I didnt do anything wrong and I certainly never acted like I wanted another man. He has ruined me and as much as I do love him, I don't think he quite feels the same anymore. We went through so much for our boys and i really don't know life without him. What do I do? I've never had a job he's always been the earner. I met him at 16, college drop out and he was 21. Been together ever since he was my first love and now its turning into dust. I feel sad and so down for my babies. I love my family and I have always cheshired every moment. Is it now time to cherish my own happiness because one thing is absolutely certain is im not happy and hes not helping.

Llois, I feel for you right now. Try and seek advice as to what your rights are regarding housing etc, do you intend to stay in the same house?
" He was a good liar that day and I was the world's biggest fool"
No your'e not !! You trusted him, that's all.
I had to give my horse up, as my former partner's name was on the horse's passport, so he decided to sell to spite me. He became ice cold and refused to discuss options. If the horse's passport is in your own name, think of all the options re loaning, cheaper DIY livery, etc as I'd guess the horse is a welcome distraction right now, for your mental wellbeing.
Best wishes to you & yours

OP - I am not saying your life is a joke or criticising you.
But you do sound quite unwell and I think the best thing you can do is ask your GP to refer you to some counselling service.

What you went through - while isn’t great - still should not have lead to this massive reaction. If you didn’t mention your age - I’d have assumed you were a teenager, not someone in late 20s with children. So - maybe you have some other underlying issues that got triggered.
So - please believe me that I am not criticising you - just saying - please get help for your and your children sake.

On the other point - of course being drunk doesn’t give him a free pass. But people do make mistakes and this one is not an impossible one to get through.

OP, I say this in the nicest possible way, you need to grow up.
Don't you think that you are making yourself quite ill over what is essentially a drunken snog.
This is the sort of thing that goes on up and down the land at countless office Christmas parties. Most people regret what they did, think of themselves as absolute idiots and are extremely embarrassed.
Okay this doesn't make it right, but it shouldn't be causing such an extreme reaction.
From what you say your friend has "history" what makes her version of what happened more truthful than your partner?
For your own sanity and health, and to be the best parent you can be you need to put this to bed. You blame your DP and leave him or you forgive him and insist on couples counselling.
Also do you think that because you have only had your "little family" in your life for the last 10 years you are catastrophising this somewhat. Do look to your future and gaining some independence, as it will give you some power and raise your self esteem.
Do see your GP you don't need to be taking codeine and sleeping pills, you need some therapy and to gain some perspective.
You are so very young, please don't make this one kiss stop you from thinking realistically and clearly.
Good Luck

OP, you think with hindsight you made bad decisions at the time, actually it wasn't entirely unreasonable, though if your relationship was that perfect, maybe a bit drastic over a drunken kiss. You are still young and idealist perfection is what we expect, as you get older, you weigh things up more before acting, an attempted failed kiss that's never going to be repeated is not a huge deal in the grand scheme.
My advice would be that you are making a bad decision currently, you have doubt about your current situation, which is why you are asking on here.
Firstly, your ex DP is not a good man, no worthwhile man would emotionally blackmail a woman to take them back by threatening suicide - that is so off the scale wrong on so many levels that it shows he has deep issues, the kiss is nothing compared to this behaviour. If he's so desperate to be in your DC's lives, he could co-parent more hours.

Your friend seemingly had nothing to gain by telling you, but risked your friendship in the name of the truth. You say they didn't get on initially, do you know why that was? This could be why she told you, so she is not Snow White in her motives. Any friend would know the shitstorm telling you would potentially cause, and with kids involved, they would not want to drop the bomb over a drunken kiss attempt. So, can you see how you were not far wrong at the start? Both their actions were wrong, a friend who cared about you and your kids welfare would at least have agonised over telling you, and probably not said anything in the end, but monitor your DP's future behaviour. They certainly would not run to you the next day with it. Expect that if you stay with DP, your friendship will remain over.
2 options, crying after the school run and drug addiction/ anti-D's. You've taken a path of high drama, this will fog your brain.
Option 1, kick him out again and work on yourself,get counselling.Option 2, work on both yourselves together. Couples and separate counselling. You both have your individual issues if you turn to opiates, and he turns to suicide threats, so there's a lot to address here. If you have a spare room, might be better he at least stays in it if you can't face life on your own. There's a lot of work to do here, it sounds like you both tend to be emotionally dramatic. It might be fixable, whichever option you chose, you can leave the door open to each other and see how the land lies after you've done the work.

Btw, I did kiss an exDP's friend once when so drunk I couldn't remember it, but had this guilt feeling in the pit of my stomach the next day, so felt something had occurred but didn't know what ( also worst hangover ever, never drunk so much before or since). Anyway, down the line, months later, bit tipsy, he reminded me what happened and memories did start flooding back. Being tipsy, daft idea, but thought at time I might as well kiss him again as I had done the crime, and wanted to remember it this time. Oddly, it worked out well, totally felt like kissing a platonic friend in a weird way, had no romantic feeling attached and put me off ever considering him in that way again. So, in a way, glad it meant nothing, yes you can kiss people you would not touch sober, it happens, life is not perfect, neither was relationship with exP, it ended over different issues, and no, his mate did not run and tell him, without me asking. He had the sense to not get involved, and there were no DC's at the time.