Things can only get better...

[MyTelescopeBroke]

Ok.

I've posted on here a number of times over the years.

I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood and the abuse continued in one form or another until one parent died and I went NC with the other within 6 months.

That was 8 years ago.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 17 trying to address low self esteem, low confidence, my issues with relationships and poor self image. I understand that my parents' relationship with me was reflective of their inadequacies rather than mine.

But i can't escape my past.

I've never had a proper relationship. I've never been loved. Neither of those are in question but I no longer know whether I'd recognise it or whether I'd be capable of a proper functional, adult relationship even if I fell into someone who was capable of one. Or whether I've ruined ones in the past that could have been (I don't think so - I've posted about a couple previously and the general consensus has been that they were wrong for me).

My latest relationship ended recently. Again after a few months and so it's with a very heavy heart that I have decided to close the door on all things romantic or sexual. It has only ever brought me sadness and heartache; months filled with anxiety and regret. My friends joke about me being terminally single to the point where, when I told them I'd met someone last year, they joked about him being a figment of my imagination.

It's a decision I'm both comfortable with and heartbroken by in equal measure.

I need to know how I can move forward now and make the best of my life. I've actually been single for the majority of my life so I'm well used to going away on my own on holiday; going to festivals, out for dinner and to art galleries etc on my own.

I have hobbies - or I did until covid put a stop to them! I play in a couple of bands; I do yoga; I swim. I have friends I can go out with for a few beers and a dance; friends I can meet with for coffee or lunch and a chat; a couple of friends I can turn to when life is on its knees.

I look after myself - I could lose a stone but I'm in the healthy weight range. I dress well for my figure/shape. I'm not interested in spa days or beautifying myself, but I scrub up ok! My hair is well maintained and suits me; I don't really wear make up save for tinted moisturiser, mascara and lip gloss. I look after my skin and myself and am often assumed to be a few years younger than I am. I have a few body hang ups as a result of the abusive relationship with my mother but I've never let them show or be known in a relationship.

I'm not crippled with self doubt. I don't need reassurance or validation from anyone else. I can do simple diy around the house and am generally pretty self sufficient.

I have a full time professional career which requires a lot of me in the evenings and weekends so I don't really have a lot of free time.

I've been told that some female friends admire my independence; my slightly 'maverick' approach to life (in that I don't measure myself by the same standards of success many people do - apparently) and my 'quirks'. I dont spend a whole lot of time worrying what other people think of me or living up to some ideal. Men have never seemed to he all that impressed with that, however, but I am who I am and I can't change that.

I'm kind, loyal and loving. I love being in nature and spending time with my pets. I get as excited by the smaller things - eg the smell of the change in season as inever did and havent lost my joie de vivre. But I carry a heavy heart with me everywhere I go.

But i still have a gaping hole inside of me that I haven't ever been loved and now, as I'm approaching my late 40s, doubt that it will ever happen for me.

I know that there are tales of people meeting someone in their later years but they have generally had successful relationships previously and at least have a mental blueprint for what a relationship should look like and how they should work. I don't have that.

So I don't need reassurance that it might still happen for me; false hope is something I'm trying to manage out of myself.

What I need is ideas for the future andoving on that don't involve more therapy.

Nb: the only reason I gave such detail about myself is that suggestions often involve joining groups, starting hobbies, making friends and self care - all of which i already do. I guess I'm looking for something i haven't tried.

I have a friend who says I'm just a free spirit who was always intended to travel my journey alone but that is of small comfort tbh

I really don’t have any advice unfortunately. But I’m in a similar situation as you except I HAVE had love once before, 25 years ago and haven’t really had it since. I’m trying to accept that it will never happen for me again AND be at peace with it.

Oh and this:

“My friends joke about me being terminally single to the point where, when I told them I'd met someone last year, they joked about him being a figment of my imagination.”

You need new friends because this was mean and insensitive. None of my friends would even joke that way about me knowing I’ve been single for years.

Well my only suggestion not on your list is to volunteer for a community cause. That often feels bigger than ourselves and can fill our spiritual needs.

Fwiw I think love changes as you get older, it becomes more about having a companion, best friend maybe.

I can understand taking a break but honestly never say never. Its like saying I will never eat a certain food again, arbitrary. You can't predict you might want to eat that food again in future. Not for the foreseeable future maybe.

You need new friends because this was mean and insensitive. None of my friends would even joke that way about me knowing I’ve been single for years.

It was good natured and it is just the way that particular group are with each other. It didn't upset me but it did make me see myself through the eyes of others for a moment.

I know that others think similarly - they just don't say it.

I suppose its joked about because there aren't any 'obvious' reasons why it's never happened for me and I'm not outwardly bothered by it so it's not seen as a touchy subject. There are only a couple of people who know how deeply I feel it. The rest kind of regard me as someone who doesn't need it.

I'm 'together'; I'm attractive enough to draw attention but not so attractive as to be intimidating; I'm warm, friendly and approachable (according to others).

Well my only suggestion not on your list is to volunteer for a community cause. That often feels bigger than ourselves and can fill our spiritual needs.

Ha, oh dear, I forgot to put that on the list!

I've done all sorts - mentoring; i helped run community arts organisation for a few years; supported people with additional needs in the community; done one off volunteering at music festivals etc... my job is very full on though and, I now work full time, which just doesn't allow me any capacity to do anything else on a frequent, ongoing basis. I'm really only able to do the one off events now and they're all off the table for the foreseeable. But I still felt the lack even when I was surrounded by people and working for a worthy cause.

Fwiw I think love changes as you get older, it becomes more about having a companion, best friend maybe

See that's the thing. I don't want a 'companion'. I want to be loved. I had a true companion for a while - we looked like a couple and behaved like a couple. We went on dates, spent time together, cared about each other and were each other's 'plus one'. We were invited to things as a couple. But, eventually, it was soul destroying knowing that there was no real attraction, no love and that it was never going to be anything more. I ended it.

I'd want someone with whom I can have the things I've never had. Someone who feels lucky to have met me and who I can have a loving relationship with.

I guess you are looking for that spark then. DF who is not at all good looking met his partner online. He had no picture! They conversed for months then when he sent a picture his now DP felt nothing, but agreed to meet as thought he would be a great friend. They met and she knew when she saw him in the queue for their chosen cafe that she would be with him. 10 years ago and they now have a wonderful life together, but she had to move the other end of the country to be with him (they since moved closer to the other end). They have worked through a few things and he knows what she won't put up with.

I guess you are looking for that spark then

Isn't everyone?

I'm not overly fussed about looks. I've only ever dated two men who others would have considered good looking and one of them had other physical attributes that many women would have rejected him for - and did. I'd much rather get to know someone and become friends first but that doesnt seem to be the way things are done nowadays and I rarely meet men who are single anyway.

I've tried online dating. One giant 'pick me' dance isn't something I'm interested in and I had no luck at all in the past. Despite what people have suggested to me previously, playing in a band doesn't attract men - or at least not the sort I'd be interested in. I'm not young, slim or pretty enough for it to be a pull I've never been approached at the bar after a gig, or anything like that, by anyone other than the sleazy drunk who I've watched the evening trying it on with everyone else in the room!

Its a difficult one with hobbies. Yoga and swimming are fairly solitary hobbies (I do them). DM recently suggested going on a Walking Holiday. I had someone else suggest taking up golf. Sailing is also of interest. These all keep the door open to meeting someone.

Sorry if this sounds rubbish but have you considered spending time with animals who offer straightforward uncomplicated love? It’s not the same thing as people love but it does get you used to that feeling.

I have friends I can go out with for a few beers and a dance; friends I can meet with for coffee or lunch and a chat; a couple of friends I can turn to when life is on its knees.

Do you not feel that any of these friends love you?

I know it's an intimate partner's love you're talking about, but do you not feel loved in any of your friendships?

I know it's an intimate partner's love you're talking about, but do you not feel loved in any of your friendships?

No, I don't suppose I do. I know we get on and we like each other but I suppose that's what I mean about not being able to recognise it either. I have two friends i would say I love. Then again, it's usually me who initiates meet ups.

I know I haven't had it in relationships though. They've either told me outright that they didn't or said that they did whilst their actions suggested otherwise.

I have rabbits
L. They might not seem.like the most affectionate of creatures but mine are very much so. I love spending time with them and interacting with their different temperaments etc. I do love them...

SpideryPlants

I'd be up for a hill walking activity. I know swimming and yoga are solitary but I need them to quiet my mind after work!

Mist of.my interests are music related so I go to gigs on my own and festivals. I'm not sporty at all.

I'm not really sure where to start with a more sociable activity. I used to have dance lessons but they've all stopped too and ther were logistical.issues with getting to the one I used to attend.

What I need is ideas for the future and moving on that don't involve more therapy.

I would try EMDR therapy if you haven't already. It's evidence based for the effects of trauma. It's not really like other therapies.

Outside of therapy, maybe medication? If you haven't got on with some, go back and try others. There are loads of things they can try.

If any of the men have been abusive in any way- emotionally, verbally, financially etc, you could try something like the Freedom Programme- it's more about information to recognize abuse rather than therapy. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I know you said not to tell you there's someone for everyone, but there honestly is. You sound nice enough.

Ramblers? Online language exchange cafe? Www.meetup.com? Setting up one for music goers? Toast Masters? I know its all time and also hard due to covid but activities could be planned for Spring?

Why don't you try running/running clubs? Lots of nice people there

Just be you op.

You sound amazing and like there is nothing missing from you in any way.

I have a friend like you, she is my favorite person in many ways. She spends a lot of time alone, and also does so many wonderful things including being a hospice visitor, just sitting with the dying. Her life is 1000x more meaningful than mine, really.

She is lonely, however, everyone is lonely just in slightly different ways. Its the stigma of singleness that really gets to her, not her singleness in herself. Folk always have a million suggestions for how she should change herself or her hobbies or whatever... when really... they could just let her be and stop projecting their terror of being alone onto her.

I hope you can find peace in your aloneness. Might you find a partner one day, sure, it is always possible. But it's also OK to stop pursuing it.

What is your question exactly? How to meet a partner? Or how to enrich your life without a romantic relationship? Sorry I don't mean to be obtuse - just in your posts you say that you have closed the door to romance and sex.

What is your question exactly?

Tbh, I don't really know! Both maybe..?

I'd love to let someone and have a relationship but I fail at it every single time so I feel for own well being i need to put that to bed now. I usually have a couple of years or so of being single before i try again but i always feel dreadful whenever i try.

So i suppose i want the answer but there isn't one 🙄

So, in light of that, I just need to know how to get rid of that longing I suppose and feel I need to find contentment elsewhere.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Thanks.

Why don't you try running/running clubs? Lots of nice people there

I did the couch to 5k afew years ago on my own. But I hate running really!

Hi OP please look up Adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families - they identify 14 characteristics of children growing up in these families and how it affects you.,
You may find it helpful.

You are not alone. Do you live in a big city? I can count at least seven friends off the top of my head in the same situation - successful, single, 40s and 50s, and kind of hoping to meet someone but never manage to get into a long relationship.

Thing is, these days relationships are not a given, and a lot of people who are in a relationship are there because of DC. I don't mean most people have a bad relationship, but DC are sometimes a glue that keep a couple together. Many many people are single and child free in their middle ages and feel kind of lost since they are not living according to the template given by the society. What I mean is, there is nothing wrong with your situation as such, it could happen to anyone from any background. Sometimes you just don't meet the right people. I don't think therapry would help much.

My 2p is in the current times of pandemic, forget about meeting people and relationships. Put that to rest completely given that there is a huge risk going to events and there are few running clubs etc anyway. Focus on building a life that when one day you meet someone you can be excited to share it with them. It's easy to do solo workouts and live in your bubble, but maybe try to think of exciting activities for future.

For future, a PP mentioned sailing. It;s a great idea. The sailing community has a lot of single men. If you have the means buy a boat, or at least get your day skipper license. A boat si a great hobby and quite liberating. You can go on a round teh world trip one day maybe?

Other ideas I have (seems you don't have DC) is fostering. Children can be irritating, but they can also give you unconditional love and a pure way to look at the world.

I would try EMDR therapy if you haven't already. It's evidence based for the effects of trauma. It's not really like other therapies.

It's been recommended before but the issue I have at the moment is both time and cost for more therapy.

If I find a way of doing it in the future, then I will look into it.

SpideryPlants

I looked into setting up aeet up group a couple of years ago. Perhaps it's timeto look into it again for the spring! It's a good idea.

Whydidimarryhim

Wow. I've just looked it up. So much of it reads like me! The only thing is, the programme seems to have quite a heavy God focus and that's not something I'm interested in.

Focus on building a life that when one day you meet someone you can be excited to share it with them. It's easy to do solo workouts and live in your bubble, but maybe try to think of exciting activities for future.

That's exactly what I want to do. But I already do a things and have hobbies that I'm happy with. I like the sailing idea but certainly don't have the means to buy a boat!

I've done many things over the years - had swing dance lessons; I was in a choir, orchestra, a couple of different bands; I've done British Military Fitness... so I'm not averse to trying new things. I guess I've just found things now that allow me to be Me - rather than just trying loads of different things to see what I liked.

I do have children but one is an adult and one is an older teen with their own lives. I didn't mention them because I need something and to do this for me. Amd also because, in the past, people have suggested I should be happy with them in my lives and not want for anything else. But they are forging their own lives now which is as it should be and I can't rely on them for company.