Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Newly dating again and already feel crap

16 replies

nutella202 · 13/10/2020 13:50

Hello,

I'm 29 and broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years who i was living with a year ago. I've moved to a totally new city for a new job and thought I'm ready to start dating again. Got some OLD profiles, went on a couple of nothingy coffee dates which were fine but nothing special. Then I unexpectedly met someone IRL at a party, who I met a few times through a mutual friend (not a set up).

This guy asked me out, we went on a date and had a lovely time, he seemed keen to book next date, saw him again, again good time and sparks flying, he messaged the next day and then heard nothing. We had a date booked for last friday but I hadn't heard anything so messaged him and he came up with excuse that he was actually finishing work later than he thought and will be tired sorry should have said etc and then I've heard nothing since. What gives?! If this was guy was from tinder or something I would probably think nothing of it, but we know each other IRL and I am bound to see him again at some point because of mutual friend. Its knocked my confidence right back down and I feel crap now

OP posts:

Anotheruser02 · 13/10/2020 14:00

Don't let it knock you down, people are rude, people over stretch themselves with options regardless of where you met them, you didn't meet him OLD that doesn't mean he isn't doing that.
Exactly the same happened to me at exactly the same age, broke up with partner, moved out of our home then had a connection with a friend of a friend who I had 'known of' before but never really noticed him, a few nice dates, lots of plans coming from his side of things we might do together one day and then poof he vanished, came back a few weeks later with a 'how are you' that was my first experience of ghosting.

I try to take nothing too seriously early on now, it's sad that it has to be that way.

earthtopluto · 13/10/2020 14:05

It's called ghosting and it's shit. Best way to get over it is to move on. I felt awful the first time I was ghosted, then went on another date with someone else and it didn't work out. Third guy also ghosted me. Fourth guy we've been seeing each other for 3 months and it's really, really lovely. Call it a good filter for people who clearly aren't worth your time!

Anotheruser02 · 13/10/2020 14:15

Yes what earth say's a filter. When he crawls back bored and wanting your attention don't believe that he's just been busy/ has a sick granny/ has heavy shit going on at work.....

itsafig · 13/10/2020 15:10

Can I add an alternative perspective - my husband did this to me when we first met! We hung out a few times then he went super quiet. Of course I totally didn't 'take the hint' and continued messaging him and asking him to things, and things went on from there. Looking back, I'm pretty sure he went quiet because his work went through a busy period and he's no good at multitasking. Plus not the most organised person, and generally a HORRIFIC replier to friends' messages.

I'm not saying this man is worth pursuing at all cost necessarily, but is it possible he's genuinely busy and then got distracted by other things going on in life? If you're not bothered, move on and don't let it feel like a reflection on you personally. If you're keen on him, try giving him a week or so and text one last time?

marmite92 · 13/10/2020 16:55

Thanks all, hmm I don't know it's left me so deflated and literally wracking my brain about what I could have done/said. I saw mutual friend the night before and we did speak a bit about him, just like saying how it's funny how we've started dating and how I found him really funny and liked him but was wanting to take things slowly. I doubt he would have mentioned it to him that night about all those things as they don't speak that often, and surely he wouldn't have been put off by that would he?

Ugh I don't know, I think I will probably leave it because I actually feel embarrassed about it to be honest, feel embarrassed for getting a bit emotionally invested. I think it's cause as I said I know him in real life. He is busy with work at the moment but surely if he was into me he'd be really apologetic that he cancelled without much warning and want to try and see me again? He is also on tinder etc so it could be that. He seemed so different though!

BewilderedDoughnut · 13/10/2020 17:14

What gives?!

The “sparks” were one sided. Move on.

seensome · 13/10/2020 17:25

There's nothing you've done or said, sometimes it takes a few dates to know if you like someone enough to take it further and perhaps he'd changed his mind or found another person to date. If they are truly interested they keep the contact going and don't forget dates! I wouldn't give him another chance tbh after the last date was cancelled last minute when you chased him.
Keep looking there will be someone else better for you.

marmite92 · 13/10/2020 17:32

Well they didn't seem one sided when it was him initiating everything and saying how much fun he had, that's why I'm wondering what changed. I obviously am moving on but still wanted to vent about it

marmite92 · 13/10/2020 17:33

Thanks @seensome I wouldn't give it another chance and yes there's every likelihood he's seeing someone else, it's just awkward as I am bound to end up seeing him again soon. Never mind

RantyAnty · 13/10/2020 17:44

Men lie to get sex.

marmite92 · 13/10/2020 18:12

I know, I didn't give him sex though. Maybe that's why!

seensome · 13/10/2020 18:47

I know, I didn't give him sex though. Maybe that's why!

could be, if your not that easy they target the next one. Good thing you didn't it would only made you feel worse.

anotherdisaster · 13/10/2020 21:03

Try to remember its not you, its him. You didn't do anything wrong so don't waste any more of your time trying to understand where you went wrong. Men are very good at telling you what you want to hear and then suddenly appearing to change their mind. Perhaps he didn't really feel the spark after all but was too cowardly to just come out and say it.
Men are notoriously bad at not just telling the truth cos they can't face any backlash. Instead they either lie or ghost.

Marmalade414 · 14/10/2020 01:11

Men are a frigging headache to read. I am currently getting over a flirty crush that's not developed. I spent a fortnight happy and 2 weeks since with my head a mess and no answers.

If it's no longer making you happy take a break from him. See if he comes to you. I know that's hard if you have feelings now. But it's probably the only way. You will get over him hopefully in a few weeks.

I give up with men and their signals lol.

Sunflower1970 · 14/10/2020 08:04

I would definitely let this one go. If he was super keen he would not be ghosting you. It’s a shame but you’re worth more so don’t invest anymore of your precious time on him!!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 14/10/2020 08:10

Op theres nothing you can do to stop this happening, but you can change how you deal with it. Maybe you are not ready for the harsh world of dating just yet?! Maybe you need a bit more time to grow a thicker skin after your last relationship. Work on yourself and grow as a person, at the moment total strangers are changing the way you see yourself and stripping you of your confidence - happiness wont come that way . Basically right now your happiness and self worth is hanging off how a new man treats you .
Give yourself time theres no rush x

Flip