Fog Returning (Long)

[myown2feetaregreat]

Not sure if my M is a narc, or just uncaring, a few of the hurtful things she has done over the years, in no order......
Abandons
I fell on to MN a few years ago when (x)H of 30 plus years left me for ow
Close to breakdown and clearly in need of support, she announced if I didnt stop cying she would go home, I couldnt , so she did and only called a few weeks later to say "thank god, I thought you might do something silly)!
DF,DSiS, anyone really, if they are seriously ill, will just cut them off without a backward glance. Bizarrely, feigns illness herself, often presenting at hospital (usually when I am about to go on holiday)

Holidays
Never had one where she hasn't called with some problem or other.

Cruel
Due to divorce trauma, my weight fell to 6.5 stone, M asked me to hers for a meal, her table was set, plates warm, no food as she claimed I was bringing takeout (the invite was for roast dinner) I went home hungry.

Gaslights-Lies
Compulsive - will often revisit a situation, even years later with her version of the truth.

Stonewalls
Complete silence for weeks after disagreements , the flipside is ...

Stalking
Or thats how it feels, multiple calls a day, wanting to know every aspect of my day.

Jealous
Must have same, will take from me, usually photographs of my dc/gdc, or has been known to ruin mine if refused. No photos of me in her house though.Has bought exact copy of dc wedding band and went to considerable effort as the band was made and purchased abroad.
Dc live other end of the country, and are wise to her manipulation now they are adults.

Covid
Prior to covid I was very low contact, meeting infrequently and only in public places, due to her age, I am now stuck in the role of carer as she refuses outside assistance. Every day I ask Atilla's qustion and the answer is nothing!
Thank you if you have read all, back in the fog and desperate to get out.

She sounds awful OP. Can you change your visits to doorstep drop and dash.
"Have to go- DC's have something on!"

Low contact is definitely the way to go.

Troll - thank you
Most days I try this, but there is forever a problem, a lightbulb to change, errand to run, keeps me in the endless loop.
I was fine until Boris announced a further 6 months of Covid measures , I can feel myself going down , most days I wake up crying, sounds ridiculous that I cant cope with one little old woman, its the constant drip, drip of it all.

You do know you don’t have to see her?
She didn’t care for you why do you need to care for her?
I know that sounds harsh but has she been a good mother to you? If not why do you need to be an ideal daughter?
Alternatively have very tight boundaries. I will ring you on Wednesday evening and pop in on Sunday morning and stick to them.

Thank you Fairyliz,

She has no-one else.Prior to covid , M had very few friends, reluctant to join activities for her age group. I know that isn,t my problem deep down.
I cant keep on like this, so will endeavour to re-establish my boundries

This is shocking abuse.

You need to get YOURSELF therapeutic support ASAP - otherwise she will take you under.

You owe her nothing - but you owe yourself so much more - to detach.

Hand her over to SS / local charities etc.

She made many many choices in how she abused you. You need to make just one to disconnect.

Who are you scared is judging you?

Sssloou
thank you, I had some counselling towards the end of my divorce, but mainly read the Stately Homes Thread, also Toxic Parents, Susan Forward. I had two good friends I used to vent/confide in , sadly one has recently received a terminal prognosis and the other has moved due to work commmitments and both are overwhelmed currently and are more in need of my support than I them, so have bottled this up till now.
I,m unsure who I think is judging me, medical staff perhaps, occasionally
one of her friends will call to say they think she needs more help
M has fallen out with any close relatives we share.
I just need to find a way back to the very low contact I once had

If you happen to end up in a very high risk covid area, you will not legally be able to go into her home or garden, every cloud. But remember, meantime, if you didn't do it, she would find another way, I'd bet on it, so you really don't have to.

What Sssloou wrote here.

The only people who bother with narcissists at all are the now adult children of same who have received special training from the parent since childhood. Its hard being the last or almost the last one left who bothers with such a person but honestly she is not worth bothering about. If she refuses outside help so be it; that is her choice. Its not your problem she does not have anyone else around her; there is bloody good reason why that is the case to begin with. Ignore too any well meaning friends of hers who ring you; you do not have to take their calls. These people are the flying monkeys; well meaning but so easily manipulated by your mother into doing her bidding for her. These flying monkeys are not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored. You do not owe her anything let alone a relationship here. Drop the rope she keeps holding out to you.

You keep asking yourself the question I often put to others i.e "what do you get out of this relationship now?" and you answer nothing.

You're perhaps even now looking for approval from her; approval she will never give you. Deal with your FOG and get therapy from a BACP registered therapist who has knowledge of narcissistic family structures and abuse. Let go of any and all residual hope that she will change because she has not and will not either. This is who she is and its not your fault she is this way.

opentooffers
thank you
It had crossed my mind to say T & T had contacted me, but I SO hate to lie, I worry if I start , I will end up like M .

Attilla
thank you.
I had thought to start with some therapy , life sometimes gets in the way, clearly I need to put my needs first and take your wise comments on board, before I sink further down.

OMG, we must be sisters...I never thought I would read about a parent with exactly the same issues as mine. I haven't got any wonderful solutions for you. I can tell you that you need to get some boundaries or else she will suck you dry. I collapsed this week in front of my nemesis...having some very serious health issues at present that an emergency doctor has said he has no idea how I survived. As I howled on the ground outside her home, she stood there calmly relaying a time when she was in 'worse' pain and 'much more severe' dizziness and how awful it was...it hadn't come to her attention I might need an ambulance. When I got up, she just looked at me and said 'Never mind, these silly doctors probably got it wrong and there is nothing much wrong with you...unlike me...'. It is a personality disorder, it is untreatable and you do need to learn to say 'no' or you will self destruct. A therapist taught me that, and my kids support me in stopping this woman draining every last drop from me. She has the same issues as yours. Don't expect rational or normal behaviour, empathy or understanding...it is not part of their cognitive and emotional functioning. They just zone in on nice, lovely people as they have a sense of entitlement to time and energy, as well as a deep seated fear of being alone with no-one to tell how 'fabulous' they are. It is twice as unfortunate when you are related to them.

@scoobydoo1971 I am sorry for what you have endured. How do you manage this now - are you NC? LC? Or v high boundaried? It’s v hard when you realise that you are the last man standing - that everyone else in their life has withdrawn and you are their only connection. Seems harder because you feel guilt for leaving them alone when it is them that has pushed everyone away.

I am last woman standing...the lion tamer in the gladiator pit...siblings ran away, or disengaged. No relatives left to alienate as they are all dead or not-speaking. My kids don't like her now they are old enough to understand the pattern of behaviour. As she is elderly and lives locally, I just got to keep boundaries high and repeatedly challenge her behaviour...she doesn't like that, and we are not close emotionally...she is abusive, passive-aggressive, pandering, very needy and indulgent all rolled into one. Her favourite strategy is hijack. She knows I have plans, and will ring up with a fantasy dramatic situation that she needs me to fix there and then on the spot. Holidays mean those calls escalate. She will tell me I am wonderful one minute and then email my brother ten minutes later with a 3 page character assault on every 'slight' or everything I haven't done and how I am grumpy, angry or negative...I choose to ignore the insults these days.

She just cannot see beyond her own personal issues or health matters, and relate to other people. She is now in full scale panic mode over my health crisis. This is not out of concern for me...she is having a moment of 'if Scooby dies, who gets to run my errands then'. I think the moment of clarity for me was realising she would never be the sort of parent anyone normal could want or need. Sometimes she looks at me like she feels ashamed of how she behaves. In one of her famous rages, she said she was glad my marriage failed, and that once my kids found out who I really was then they would leave me too...as I deserved to die alone and disabled and unloved.

When my father died, I felt I was left with the job of 'managing' her tantrums, fantasy paranoia and generally unreasonable demands. It is all about boundaries and not expecting any emotional reward or positive feedback from the parent...once you get to that point, self-acceptance kicks in...along with self-preservation...and then you can re-engage with the enemy on your terms, and not theirs. It did take a brilliant therapist to point all this out, and having tried out some of his strategies, they do work. Maybe that is a route you could look into to get some peace over this? The most powerful word you can use is 'no' and reclaim control.

Scoobydoo1971
Thank you
I do hope you are on the road to full recovery x
Reading your last post, we could indeed be twins, right down to your father and M wanting an immediate replacement (whipping boy)
In fact all of your post above describes M to a Tee.

Had a bad few days and somehow I self sabotage when things get too bad, reading all the lovely MNetters posts has strengthened my resolve to reclaim the control I once had thank you